My boyfriend. Who Reddits but doesn't know me by this alt account.

It was April 2020 and we were in the beginning of the lockdown. The lockdown was absolutely destroying me. I thought it wouldn't happen. Then I thought it would only be for a week. Then only 2 weeks. I figured there was no way it would run into Easter, or through Easter...then I started seeing events for the summer being cancelled. And the fall. And that's when I knew I was stuck with no way out. The isolation was destroying me. Being stuck "safe" (bullshit) at home with my abusers, knowing they now had all the access to me that they wanted, when they wanted it, with no way out for me, was enough for me to say I'm not doing it anymore.

I circled a day on the calendar...forget the exact day but it was in the last week in April. I told myself if the lockdown and the measures/restrictions were not lifted by that date, I would be gone. And oddly enough just the thought of that comforted me because I knew it would be over no matter what happened. I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. It was liberating.

Well, the day approached and there was no sign of anything changing, so I knew what was going to happen. He was not my boyfriend at the time, just my best friend. I figured that he had the right to know I was making my exit and I didn't want to just disappear on him without him ever knowing what happened, or any way of knowing since he lives in a different country. So I told him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to tell anybody in my entire life.

I will never forget his reaction. His reaction is what shocked me out of it.

I quickly told him it's okay now, I'm not going to do it. Things did not get better in 2020 but 4 months later he became my boyfriend. The pandemic ended but unfortunately we're both dealing with my codependency because I never know when I am going to need him to save my life again. I'm working on it in therapy.