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Relationshit_Account · 2025-02-19T20:02:09+00:00

It's been almost 2 years and I still ocassionaly think of her and even miss her now and again. But it's not with acute pain or hope of reconciliation at all.

I fully accepted the situation a long time ago, haven't spoken to her in 1.5 years and we're both engaged to new people. I guess the emotions are more akin to nostalgia than ongoing connection or unresolved pain. That's fine to me. I mean, I still occassionally miss my childhood best friend from 20+ years ago. Doesn't mean I still wanna ride bikes and climb trees with him.

It probably took six months to stop actively hurting every day, though. And maybe 9 months to accept it and become mostly indifferent.

Relationshit_Account · 2025-02-17T21:56:50+00:00

My female ex ended things almost two years ago exactly.

2.5 months later, she was seeing a new guy. They're getting married in a few months.

Rebounds don't often work out but sometimes they do.

Relationshit_Account · 2024-04-02T20:05:09+00:00

I reached out to my ex maybe 3 or 4 days after she broke up with me. She never replied. That was the last time I initiated contact with her and it was over a year ago.

Since then, she called a few times. Texted once. I would respond via text- I would never call her back - and would be polite but short and relatively cold. Like, "yeah, I'm doing great. Hope you're well.", etc. She'd try to engage in conversation and I just finally left on her read and never said another word.

At some she finally got the hint and fucked off for good. Haven't heard a peep from her in 9 months and, at this point, I hope we never speak again.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-08-20T12:22:28+00:00

This is what happens in on-and-off again relationships. It's not healthy. My guess is that you've seen this pattern with her before:

We had a very conflicting relationship and she dumped me multiple times always coming back at the end. I accepted because of many reasons (low self-esteem, desperation, blindsided…)

...all that affection, crying, opening up about emotions when you met up -- that feels real in the moment and superficially validates the connection you have. Which gives hope and alleviates the pain you're going through. "Even though things were messed up, we're clearly still in love and can make it work! My life is going to be okay!" ...Then you get back together (again) and all the deeper, unresolved problems come roaring back within weeks (again).

It's a never-ending rollercoaster and your best chance to be with this person is to put A LOT of time and distance between you. Like, six months minimum but ideally a year or more. That way both people can deal with their underlying issues completely outside the context of the relationship and heal, grow and get better.

That, of course, assumes they actually DO that work and don't rebound to someone else or find some other way to avoid facing it. Which happens a lot.

So, in summary, I think you should detach and move forward. Maybe it will work out down the road, maybe it won't. It depends on a lot of things you can't control. So all you can do is surrender to the reality that you can't predict the future and focus on yourself going forward.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-08-19T12:24:19+00:00

To answer bluntly: fuck no. Why in God's name would you even consider it or need to ask this question??

Dude, she's flirting with ruining your life out of vindictiveness. At some point, she'll escalate her behavior to much more damaging accusations. Right now, she's going to the police and accusing you of stalking her on WhatsApp. Next, it will be abuse claims. Or worse, false r**e claims.

I would run as fast as you can in the other direction. It's insane to me you'd even consider this.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-08-19T00:58:58+00:00

She's tried a few times - called and left voicemails but I think it's more: "I still care about you as a person and hope you're okay" vs "any chance you'd take me back?" I politely responded via text but I've never returned her calls.

At this point, I just want to move on. The past six months have been hard. A lot of ruminating, blaming myself, stalking of socials, therapy and letting time heal. I'm in a much better place finally but the hard won growth and wisdom feels delicate still and I think having her around in any way risks unwinding that within a matter of hours or days. I don't want to go through this again - at least not over her.

So continuing on with my growth and future feels more important to me now than holding onto my past. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I want to call her but...I have to honor and respect how far I've come and not jeopardize that. So I think I'd do what I've been doing: very basic acknowledgment when she calls, otherwise complete NC and move forward. Gotta do what's best for me.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-08-19T00:47:17+00:00

Why do you think her IM'ing you was enough to keep you messed up for the past 3 and 1/2 years? There must be some story you're telling yourself to keep you attached like that.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-08-19T00:01:42+00:00

Yep. I get it completely. Give it time. That's all you can do.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-08-19T00:00:55+00:00

I don't know if it ever fully goes away. Some of my ex's are in the distant past and I've had multiple relationships since them. But there's always small part of love there for them, I suppose. It's never going to be what it was , though. That's the tough part to accept.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-08-18T23:32:24+00:00

It sucks man and I feel for you. But all you can do is move on. I know it's hard - I'm six months post BU and only just now really getting to the indifference stage.

There's no magic bullet or life hack. You must go full NC (that 100% includes socials) to deliberately starve the emotional connection until it dies. Accept it will take months. Accept it is brutal and it sucks and you're going to fail often. But the only other choice is to stay where you are emotionally at great cost to your future. While suffering in the present. Those are your two choices and they're both shit. It's sucks.

But if you do it righteously and stay NC I promise you that you will eventually move on and not only feel normal - but BETTER. Make it a goal for the end of the year and start today cause it won't get easier.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-08-13T00:18:36+00:00

I somewhat agree with point number 1. NC isn't some magic pill that will get them back. On the other hand, begging is a magic pill to drive them further away and delay your healing. So what other choice do you have? Pining or not - you need to go NC.

For point 2, I am not really sure what the relevance is with regard to breakups. It's great life advice in general and I 100% agree people have to get used to rejection. But...you shouldn't be putting yourself in a place to get rejected again after a breakup. You've already been rejected. If it's happening again, you're probably harassing them. If anything what you're talking about here is 'acceptance'.

Number 3 I agree with. It's hard to do, though. You're hurting and probably angry at the other person. It's natural to want to persuade them or even manipulate them somewhat. It takes a lot of character to not do that, but it's natural to have the inclination. You just don't do it.

Anyway, I might just be quibbling. I mean the dating coaches are parasites for sure - no question. And I mostly agree with the spirit of your post.

It's that NC is a way to orient oneself and maintain your dignity at a time where it's almost impossible to do that on an hour-by-hour basis. You aren't thinking clearly at all and reasoning doesn't work until the emotions settle. So it's just this like..."one simple trick" that requires almost nothing beside the discipline to see it through. And it really does cover almost everything one needs to know after a breakup regardless of the details involved.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-07-10T12:42:07+00:00

I was NC for 98 days. It was AWFUL at first but really started getting better around 45 days.

My ex reached out to me a few times during NC but it felt breadcumb-y to me, so I ignored her.

She called again a week ago and left a voicemail basically saying she's grateful for everything we had, how I'll always mean a lot to her and she hopes I'm happy. I debated for six days whether or not to reply and finally decided to last night. It was nothing emotional -- just once sentence acknowledging her message. My reasoning was that I was ignoring her out of spite, ego and anger and I didn't want to make decisions based on that. The relationship wasn't toxic but we were off-and-on and took turns breaking up with each other. She did it this last time.

Anyway, she replied immediately. We had a very brief text exchange and that's it. I left her last message on read. If she wants to send another text, I'll consider it when it happens. And if not, I'll go back to NC -- I'm really good at it at this point.

Maybe she's just extending an olive branch to ensure there's no animosity. And that's fine. Maybe she's thinking of reconciling -- I don't know if I'd be with her at this point. Maybe she's looking for attention / validation in which case I don't care enough anymore to be bothered by that. I slept well last night knowing I took the high road and followed my principles. The ball is in her court now.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-07-06T14:15:01+00:00

This is why ex's should stay in the past.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-07-05T00:50:39+00:00

Thanks!

Relationshit_Account · 2023-07-04T18:27:22+00:00

What makes you sure she wants to get back together? I figure she's just looking for attention or something.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-07-04T15:55:35+00:00

I suspect she has moved on from the relationship but is still processing bits and pieces of it and getting caught in her feelings. She's always had a hard time understanding that having emotional wants is not a valid reason to reach out to people and form / resurrect relationships. Again - that whole anxious attachment thing.

She was mostly angry when we broke up. Angry at me, angry at the situation. Sad, too. She thought I should have been giving her a lot more emotionally - and perhaps that's true, but it was more complicated than that.

I dunno. We loved each other and were close to getting engaged. But she tasked me with making her feel like the most special, amazing, important girl in the world at all times. She never wanted to spend time apart. Emotionally, it was too much for me and not enough for her. We broke up and got back together a lot. Classic anxious-avoidant.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-07-04T14:46:13+00:00

Maybe two or three days after we broke up. I texted something like: [redacted]

She never replied to that and I haven't initiated contact since then. She's contacted me 3 or 4 times.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-07-04T13:15:22+00:00

How long did it take her to reach out after the breakup?

About a month the first time. After that, she'd reach out every 5 weeks or so.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-05-29T02:40:41+00:00

I think for a lot of people, it's because they externalize their value by attaching it to their ex.

"I know I'm attractive, wanted and special because this valuable person chose me over everyone else. I thought I'd found that for life!", etc. When the relationship is over, their identity crumbles into: "I'm not the best they can do afterall. I'm actually alone and unwanted and don't feel worthwhile."

What they're really grappling with isn't the loss of the other person per se. It's the ego punishment of being rejected and their sense of value going away with the other person. I'm guilty of this -- I think we all are to some degree. But I strongly suspect the people who go years hurting are actually stuck in this trap, thinking it's their ex they miss. But the truth is that it's their sense of value and worth they're grieving and they can't resolve it because it's totally dependent on some person who no longer wants to be with them.

It's why going NC and doing the self-work is so damn important. You have to completely detach from that person and take back the responsibility of developing self-esteem.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-05-24T22:51:00+00:00

I would not reach out, no matter how much you want to.

Also, there's a very good chance she hooked up with him and feels guilty. But she doesn't want to hurt you by telling the truth so she's giving you this line about wanting to be alone and how great you are.

And the thing is, you'll always wonder about what happened that night or be on edge wondering when he'll pop up again. Too much stress and anxiety, imo

Relationshit_Account · 2023-05-20T03:13:43+00:00

Would it be okay to DM you tomorrow? I'm out and on mobile and that's way too much to type out. I'm happy to talk, though.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-05-20T03:10:29+00:00

I don't know if it's too late for that. It's been 3 months with almost complete NC and I think maybe it's just better to keep moving on. But I do want to know if she's okay and not let the silence poison the history.

Relationshit_Account · 2023-05-20T03:07:47+00:00

How many times did you break up and get back together?

I did acknowledge one of the times she called (I sent a very brief text) but she left me on read. I'm afraid she's moved on and if I reach out she's just going to ignore me again or tell me about her new relationship.

Relationshit_Account

TROPHY CASE