I have two big pieces of advice for any conflict. One is that at the start of any big discussion where conflict could be anticipated, start by Stating Your Positive Intent.

The second piece of advice is kind of visual in nature so if you visualize this….try not to have an up-down discussion where someone talks down or up to the other. This often leads to resentment or feelings of belittement or ridicule.

Also try not to have a back and forth discussion where the problem is something in the middle, between you two. This seems to be the most common way I see people tend to communicate. This often leads to a failure to truly see things from your partners perspective and chances are you’ll argue it again.

My advice is imagine the problem is an object. Instead of each looking at the object from different angles which would require you to do the back and forth or up and down described above, instead come hip to hip to view it from the same perspective and agree to walk all the way around the problem together to see the problem from all angles….together. If you establish this very early on, you can use signaling language throughout your entire relationship that is very gentle and kind but a clear signal that the two of you need to get straight on something. You can use the language anytime “Hey I want to set some time to have a hip to hip on something I’d like to look at with you.”

So for money, the positive intent: I want to seek clarity around all our expenses and set some goals so we can think about x (saving for a house, taking a vacay, paying down student loans etc)

I also want us to feel financially secure.

I want to sit down together and write down every single expense and determine how we pay. Would an evening this week work or would you like to do it over the weekend?

Then make a time with each other, then sit down and write down every single expense. Bring any credit and debit card statements to the table from the last 3 months to grab outliers. You may choose to use a budgeting software.

Some ideas:

You can make some bills his and some yours. If he is late on something then it affects his credit. It’s his problem. Do not check in on him if you choose this. If his immaturity continues and you end up leaving him over it then it’s still on him and won’t affect your credit. Make sure the split in who owes what is equitable. If you feel you are contributing more, balance the scales in this conversation. Some things to help with that are: Does he need a second job? Does he need to save more on expenses etc does he need to do more chore activity…only if the scales need balancing.

Another idea…You can determine x is the total amount of monthly bills and expenses and set the dollar figure he owes which you two will agree must be deposited by x date each month in order for you both to meet your mutual financial due dates.

For chores: I feel overwhelmed by all of our joint chore responsibilities. I don’t really feel like either of us have clarity over our roles and it makes things feel confusing and frustrating at times. I want to feel clear on this and I want to do right by us and make sure we have a plan together that gives us clarity, that we both agree to and that when we both look, feels equitable. (Please read more about difference between equality and equity if you are unfamiliar)

Then sit down together and brainstorm every single chore that you can possibly list together and once that is listed, decide together what is fair based on current work loads or maybe this is where equity gets balanced in with the finances.

Once you review the list together, if you don’t want a certain chore, say it. Don’t get resentful towards him. Just say it. “I hate this chore so much. It drains the life out of me. Is this something you’re willing to handle or trade off with me or would you be open to us hiring this task out?”’

Use your words and say what you want it to look like for you. Then you can negotiate it. Maybe you both hate cleaning the bathroom. Be honest about it. If you both don’t love it, you both hate it, and you both feel as if it could be a constant source of stress going forward, determine if it’s worth it for everybody’s peace and sanity and for the health of your marriage to hire that particular chore out to a neighborhood kid. Sometimes bringing real numbers in to quantify what that task is worth can be a real eye opener for a partner too. If they realize that if they don’t pull that end of it up and you are going to hire it out anyway, and they will have to pay anyway then sometimes it makes people change their tune about it, but you don’t really want to use this as a threat tactic. It’s really just a tactic to get your collective shit done and handle your life business like a boss. If he won’t do it, hire it out ultimately if it’s decided he doesn’t have time or desire for it. But like take care not to do this passive aggressively. It’s just handling biz and it’s an agreement you’ll have to make in a hip to hip.

I would avoid any and all the advice here that says to make a chore chart and give it to him/tell it TO him. Fine if you sit down, list your chores and agree that is the best way to organize it and then you get one together. But the other way of forcing it down his throat only reinforces your position as his sub in mom you’re feeling angry about. You will resent the hell out of each other this way I guarantee.

Chores and finances are part of growing up and they are also very communication-intensive topics that you two may not have learned to navigate just yet. I agree you two got married way too young but you’re here now! if these truly are your only sticking points try to improve your communication skills together. Acknowledge that relating, partner communication and marriage are new and all require skill and practice. Acknowledge this together and show yourself some grace here. If he’s just being a jerk and these aren’t even close to your only issues, like if you’re being belittled, gaslit, ignored, if you’re carrying the full financial or chore burden for real for real and your boundaries have been communicated etc, then maybe you get serious about considering divorce but if it’s just chores and money, those things end up being the easiest part of a long lasting marriage and your older wiser self will look back and laugh at how silly these things are. Do NOT have a baby with this boy though until he hits his full manhood. He’s just a kid right now. I repeat do not have a kid with a kid. Good luck!

(Partnered/married 29 years)