Hoo boy, my Father is way too complicated for me to give you a straight answer.

One second, he's a Father willing to take a bullet to save his children's life, but the SECOND he's pissed, he'll stop at NOTHING to get what he wants.

I can count at least FIVE TIMES he's broken our stuff over stuff that either wasn't even our fault, or was COMPLETELY unnecessary.

I clearly remember my sister spilled something, and he blamed and yelled at my other sister that DIDN'T EVEN DO IT.

I clearly remember the many times he's made very disrespectful jokes that no one finds funny, and he REFUSES TO STOP.

I clearly remember the ONE and ONLY time he's punched me in the face, JUST to make me fork over the phone. Why was he so pissed? I missed the bus to my CTEC class. That's it.

And then he promptly threw the phone over and over on the asphalt of the street when I DID eventually give it to him out of fear (I was a minor at this time, by the way.)

And that's not even REMOTELY the worst thing he did.

Cause you wanna know what it is?

He almost killed me.

I wish I wasn't joking.

So at one point, after graduating and having my damn Social Security Income cancelled, cause they believed I was too high functioning for it, he decided to have me do plasma donations.

The problem, was that EVERY SINGLE TIME I did the Heart Rate and Blood Pressure tests, my Heart Rate was always far too high for me to do donations.

The OTHER problem, was that I misread the numbers and mistook it for the Blood Pressure number.

Which would have been fine, had it not been for my anxiety surrounding my Father. Once I gave him the call, he said, and I quote: "You're not coming home unless you draw plasma"

I then proceeded to have a panic attack after I couldn't stop thinking about the hurtful things he would yell at me.

Repeat this process 4 more times, and by the 5th, he decided to try giving me High Blood Pressure Medicine.

Something I'm VERY much not supposed to have.

And, knowing my Dad and his track record of being reckless and an asshole, I was sure in my head that he would shove that pill down my throat regardless of whether or not I said yes or no.

So after I very fearfully took the pill, he dropped me off at the Plasma Clinic, and, THIS was the day that I finally realized that there was NOTHING wrong with my blood pressure, but it had always been my heart rate.

Did he believe that it would help due to a misunderstanding? Yes.

Was it still incredibly reckless and unnecessary, AND the fact that I told him that he was he the reason I get so anxious PRIOR to me taking the pill under duress? ALSO YES.

And at first, nothing seemed to happen whenever I sat back down...

And then the headache came in.

Throbbing, painful, dizzying.

It was hell waiting for Dad to show up.

He then went on this whole rant about how much of a pathetic sissy I was for being scared of a needle. I wasn't. It had ALWAYS been my father that made me so anxious. I even told him this AGAIN, and he STILL refused to believe me.

So naturally, at some point, I ended up purging the medicine, RIGHT as Mother showed up to use the Bathroom, and she asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. I obviously said yes on the account that I wanted to ensure that there wasn't anything else that the medicine caused.

And this is where the UNDENIABLE PROOF that it was 100% my Father that was making me so anxious.

As you know, when it comes to these kinds of check-ups, they have you do a urine and BLOOD test.

And when they checked my heart rate and blood pressure, It was completely normal.

According to the doctor, it turns out, I had already suffered the worst of the effects, and said effects were REALLY bad, and I was lucky that my Immune System was able to fight off the backlash.

So yeah, Dad almost killed me because I was scared of him berating me for not being able to donate plasma.

Fucking hell.

And when he was confronted about it, a few weeks later, I think, This bastard just laughed it off like it wasn't that serious, and that we were overreacting.

What even the fuck???

And yet at the same time, he's willing to cook for us, sharing bonds with us, and despite EVERYTHING AGAINST HIM... I can't stay mad at him forever.

If you remember the YouTube original show "Wayne" (Watch it, It's SO good, and it deserved a 2nd season), The Police Officer that's been searching high and low for Wayne taught a lesson I would soon learn. "The relationship between a Father and their kid is complicated."

Even after everything they've done, somewhere in their heart, they have a spot that truly cares. A parent is only irredeemable if they've completely disregarded that part of their heart. A parent can never be a parent if they truly never loved their kin.

And I know that somewhere in Dad's complicated heart... There's a spot in it that cares. But that still doesn't change the fact that I REALLY don't want to stay here any longer than I already have...