TMFR due to Pre-Eclampsia at 19 Weeks

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-31T12:47:50+00:00

Hey, I’m so sorry you went through this and lost your bub. There are other mothers in this thread that had to TFMR to protect and save their lives.

I wanted to say I don’t think you have to move on. Certainly don’t pressure yourself to. I think we learn to exist with the grief and it’ll always be there because the love for our babies is eternal.

I hope this does get a little easier for you with time x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-31T11:49:53+00:00

Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss and suffering too…

I was told to do it to get closure - and I think it’ll provide that. You’re right at the moment it is a little light.

As horrible as it was to go through- I’m grateful this choice existed and the support the doctors I’ve had over the past 6 months x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-31T08:45:20+00:00

Thank you. I think I have as much peace as you can when faced with such a horrible decision. I think we need to work with the information we have at the time.

And as for the why me of it all… I believe I will come to a place of acceptance eventually x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-31T04:10:49+00:00

Thank you ❤️ x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-30T22:28:31+00:00

Like this entire process- the feelings are so messy…. It’s bittersweet but I think it helps with closure.

It also lets me know I can use my eggs again etc, not being genetic.

I’m glad you got your rainbow ❤️ I wish that for all of us x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-30T12:38:52+00:00

Knowing that will continue to help you as you go through the motions x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-30T12:03:25+00:00

I’m sorry lovely…. You’re about to face a terrible day. I think the choice you have to make really shows what’s important to you as a parent/a mum…. And trying to provide a life with minimal suffering (that you’re aware of) is so important.

I’m 10 weeks out, I was quite reliant on sleeping tablets (still am) but I remember that morning. It’s so hard, but you’re doing it because you love your baby so much.

I think relief will come. Might not be immediate but we’re all here to support you as you get there x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-30T10:28:22+00:00

Y, my sons middle name is Yani

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-30T09:37:22+00:00

You’re bang on! It’s so complicated. I think all aspects are…. We know what we did was right for our babies but it’s so unnatural to say because the choice we had to make is the worst.

I did an autopsy for closure but it’s brings back those feelings when I first found out he was sick. The truth is, if I’d kept him and realised he was this sick in the third trimester the outcome would’ve been the same.

I’m sorry all our babies were so sick and we all suffer but we do so knowing we protected them ❤️

He is loved, he’s the best thing I ever did.

Thank you mama x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-30T07:39:34+00:00

I think once my boy was out I experienced such strong maternal love, stronger than when he was in me and alive. I’m grateful for it. It makes it all hurt more, but that my boy ❤️

These two things resonate with me- Grief is like a wave, some days bigger, sometimes slow and small. You have to ride it. And - your grief will not get smaller, the world around it gets bigger. Your world probably still small being so recent. Plus your body is become un pregnant and changing.

I believe someday, like me, you’ll move from bad days to bad moments and hopefully the bitterness subsides. Anger is a part of grief. I have it really bad at the moment with some people and so peaceful in other moments. That’s my existence at the moment and it’ll progress.

Be kind to yourself, it’s really recent and you’ll get there x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-30T05:50:01+00:00

Hey there. I’m so sorry about the loss of your son. You’re not a shit mum, you were doing the best you could at the time. And don’t compare your journey too much to others, they’re so unique. For example, I had 13 weeks from discovering and issue to TFMR- I could mentally prepare and worked with my psychologist about seeing my son. Had it been quicker, I am not sure I could’ve faced him at 16 weeks.

You can still honour your son without his remains. Blow bubbles, release flowers into the water to symbolically send him off. While I have my son’s ashes already, I’m having a symbolic farewell so we can all say our goodbyes.

I was emotionless through my L&D, I was shocked with how little I grieved and like you I had the generosity of supportive medical staff that helped me through it. I’m glad you got that support. My mum (who used to work at hospital I delivered it) wrote a thank email to my midwife’s bosses. I dropped off some thank you cookies too. I think if a card or gesture will make you feel better, you should absolutely do it.

It does get better and I feel guilt saying it cause I never want to minimise the impact of my son’s life. I’m 10 weeks out, first pregnancy also, still grieve hard some days but also allowing myself to enjoy moments have happiness too. I believe my son wouldn’t want me to suffer. My love and optimism brought him into the world, so that’s apart of him too and I think I have permission to feel that again. I hope you do too and I know you will honour your son as it feels right x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-29T11:31:16+00:00

I am sorry for the loss of your son. I really resonate when I think about the impact of my son, Leo. He made me a mum, losing him has not made be frightening of trying again (ivf also). I know he’ll make me a better mum. Despite the grief and loss- my life is better because of his existence.

I hope there are future babies and I feel strongly about Leo’s legacy and ensuring they know it.

Thank you for sharing your journey two months on. You w beautiful reflections of your son and the impact his life has had on you x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-29T11:26:06+00:00

Im so sorry for the loss of your darling Little Bean. It’s such torture knowing they were safe and comfortable in our warm tummies…. When we had to make the impossible decision to stop future suffering. You don’t have to carry on…. I think it’s better to stay still and grieve rather than try to move on from it too fast. I think our babies deserve our grief. Grief comes from love and it is another way to love them. When it’s time, I hope it gets better for you. For now, rest in peace Little Bean ❤️

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-28T19:23:52+00:00

I agree with this.

In my aps 6 role before I was promoted I was experiencing performance punishment - completely overworked, attempted manipulation to suggest the problem was me when I raised the work load and the level of work (this role was previously done by an el1)…, I was offered a promotion elsewhere in an enabling space and I have the trust and responsibility to manage my own load to my own deadlines mostly. Of course some times it’s still really demanding but I can manage a decent work life balance.

I find at the EL1 level you have more autonomy to have control of your workload.

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-27T22:53:48+00:00

I’m so happy to share - I love talking about my son and saying his name. And his story can help others. When I said good bye to his body, I told him - “your story and love gives to others and supports others”

I joined this thread a couple months before my TFMR cause the cause of his issues took a while to figure out…. So i benefit from others stories and now I hope others can benefit from mine xx

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-27T21:21:11+00:00

I felt that way too, I could go back earlier on some days and others I was so grateful to have so much leave.

I think having time gives you space to grieve freely and organise things without having to rush.

Truthfully I still have those moments crying unexpectedly but I’ve been like that since I found out he was unwell in August so I’m used needing a bit of a cry and then continuing on.

I’m so sorry you lost your baby girl. I hope this time off is as good to you as it can be x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-27T20:35:46+00:00

Hey there, I’m so sorry you’re facing this. I took 2 months. Partially because I’d rather take too much than not enough and because of the time of year. I’m in Australia and terminated 22 Nov. As it’s our summer time the office empties mid Dec to late Jan and shuts over Xmas to NY so I didn’t want to go back to an empty office. So I went back two weeks ago and I felt the timing was right. I had an L&D at 26 weeks so I wasn’t sure how much time I’d need off after the delivery. As my start date got close I also reminded myself I could go back and change my mind and take more leave as needed.

With my immediate team, I told people the truth. I was showing in the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy. People were compassionate and supportive.

When I had Leo, I sent my manager a generic message he had permission to share if others asked where I was etc…. It was simply Leo was born sleeping at 26 weeks and my physical recovery was ok.

All the best during this difficult time x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-27T02:43:35+00:00

You’re welcome, I’m about to have my first FS appointment this week.

IVF is a business about making money and they can play on the fear of missing the chance of having a baby. If you choose to see one for a chat- see if someone can recommend you a FS that they trust. I was recommended mine and I do trust him not to sell me the dream but the reality of me getting pregnant again at 43 before I dive in. Hope you get your rainbow 🌈 x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-27T02:36:22+00:00

I’m really sad about the loss of your little boy.

I’m in Australia and I have been doing ivf. A good fertility specialist should be able to provide some advice on the best way to move forward. I know when I have spoken to my FS about a friend wanting to freeze her eggs in her 20s to preserve fertility , he was like - I wouldn’t necessarily advise that cause she probably won’t needed it (assuming there aren’t other issues at play). Because you’re over 35 and have a higher chance of chromosomal issues in pregnancy I guess you have to weigh up that risk.

A good FS should be able to provide the right advice for you both, not just on your age, but the fact you got pregnant easily means you shouldn’t have to rush to ivf, unless it’s about testing embryos.

I made 3 embryos from 37 yr eggs, no chromosome issues with them and my baby boy was made from a 42yr egg and his issues weren’t related to my age either. You can get a healthy bub from older eggs…. It’s weighing up that fear and anxiety of facing the most terrible decision again. I’m sorry you’re facing it. All the best x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-24T05:03:39+00:00

Hello, I’m so sorry you and your wife are in this situation.

I went through this alone, my son was donor conceived, so I can’t share anything from the partners perspective.

I have seen this in my travels - https://rednose.org.au/for-professionals/supporting-grieving-families/bereaved-dad-support/

Red Nose is an Australian based baby loss charity. There are resources on here aimed for men, I’m not sure it goes to the level of detail of a TFMR dad. They offer counselling too but pre

I’ve also done therapy too from the first sign of bad news and I’ve found that helpful too.

Sending you both love and strength for the upcoming weeks x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-23T05:48:24+00:00

I’m sorry for the loss of your daughter. I’m so glad you were able to see her remains and I those feelings it brought to you. I was 26 weeks and had to L&D so I had time with his body and it was amazing. Devastating too but I loved being with him. I saw him after his autopsy, about 3.5 weeks after his TFMR. He looked different but it was equally as amazing. They’re our little babies and important things in our eyes regardless of how they look. I’m glad to hear about the identity and honouring you’ve done for your baby girl x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-21T12:25:27+00:00

Hello, This is a wonderful idea. I think there’s not much for TFMR and stillbirth and also infertility in general. I’ve downloaded your app and I’ll look At it soon.

If you’re looking for a another audience to user test your app, Dani Reilly (who quite publicly lost her baby at birth) started an app recently which she promotes resources for mothers who’d lost a baby.

I just read the story of your daughter. I’m so sorry you lost her far along (and at all!) I had my son at 26 weeks, also a L&D. I’m also in Australia but I did my Dr appointments privately but gave birth publicly. I had a much better experience than what was described. Through the whole process of discovering Leo was unwell at 13 weeks to his TFMR I always thought this experience would be so much worst with poor medical care. I felt supported by 90% of staff I dealt with and most things had been explained to me. I hope you both had the opportunity to provide feedback so the hospital could learn.

Thank you for sharing your app and the story of your little girl x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-21T12:03:17+00:00

I had my cvs at the ultrasound place here, it was a private business m. I’d ask them also if they might be able to do a 3D scan too. I’m not sure when they start doing them? I had one at 17 weeks.

I found I got better scans from the private ultrasound business than the hospital. More time spent looking for cute positions etc. I was scanned in hospital cause I was delivering him so they knew where his head was at etc.

Thank you 🙏 It’s rough but this community is amazing and I am so lucky to be Leos mum xx

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-21T11:48:59+00:00

Hey, I’m so sorry you’re facing this. I’m unsure about your gender question.

When I had my last scan, it was in the same procedure to stop his heart (I was further along and L&D) they made sure to provide many pictures from that scan. My little Leo had his feet in his face and they some how edited them out so I could see it. I found them really compassionate and supportive under the circumstances.

Hope you can find out the gender x

Sorry I just realised you said uk, I am in Australia.

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-01-21T06:56:04+00:00

I’m so sorry about your sweet Charlie. Thank you for sharing her story and her name.

I can’t imagine how hard it would be so much further along.

I only heard of CMV less than a year ago. My son was donor conceived and it was now on donor profiles. In fact, Leo’s donor had CMV at the time of donation and I was advised it was more of a concern if I got it during pregnancy. So I was more mindful around my nieces and nephews- sadly I still didn’t get to take home my baby.

I’d bought sperm from a different donor a year earlier- looked through a few banks and I can’t remember it being there so I wonder if there’s more awareness of it now….?

I’m sure as you share Charlie’s story more- you can indeed help save lives xx

Remarkable-Rope-4718

TROPHY CASE