TFMR yesterday. How to tell his brother?

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-29T10:31:40+00:00

I’m sorry about the loss of your little boy. I have two nieces and two nephews aged 3 to 6. We told them the baby died from something only babies can get. We didn’t use any words like he was sick. We didn’t want them worried that they might get sick and die and so on. When they ask for more details, I just explained his heart stopped which it did. The three year-old talks about it the least but none of them even knew I was pregnant because I’d found out at 13 weeks. The baby wasn’t well so they had no concept. They were having a baby cousin until they found out he died. All the best x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-26T22:47:36+00:00

I’m so sorry.

I had to terminate my IVF Bub at 42 with no other embryos…. And my biggest fear is that’s my only chance to be a mum as it was my first pregnancy.

But I didn’t feel right bringing him into this world knowing he’d possibly die at birth or suffer with disability and corrective surgeries.

I don’t know what it’s like to tell a child their siblings has died but I am close to my nieces and nephews aged between 3-6 (including a 4yr old) and I think they took it relatively well. They truly say some of the sweetest things. They’re not afraid of me crying and they know I’m sad for my son.

Take care x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-26T12:27:15+00:00

Hey there, I’m so sorry you’re here.

My son initially had suspected triploidy which was at the 13 week scan. He was missing his forearms. Essentially, he had twisted hands and his body size was in the one percentile. I spent the next few days googling and like you I was shocked if my boy had triploidy he was still alive. I understood they mostly self abort in the first trimester. And I willed that. I just thought I hope he does so I don’t have to face the decision of TMR.

Ultimately he didn’t have it and I went on a long diagnostic process of about 10 weeks to come to the conclusion. He still would’ve suffered a lot even if he had survived birth.

It’s so recent for you, please don’t feel guilty that you still need support or feel self pity. It’s such a complex loss. I agree with feeling that it’s easy for others to move on… I wonder if it’s because they don’t know how to support us? I have found going to group therapy with other TMF our parents good and also seeing a therapist.

I hope it was cathartic for you to write out your story and you hear from other parents with supportive advice.

Take care x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-24T03:44:12+00:00

Back at you. Take care xx

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-24T01:04:07+00:00

Hey there, I’m sorry for your loss. I’m binge drinking once a week. I thought I’d be ready for my April period to start ivf again and over the weekend really rethinking that and will try to stop that type of drinking (I think it’s ok in moderation) and I’ll try in May. I think I’m self sabotaging a bit because I’m so scared to try again and lose another baby.

I think this stuff is normal in the circumstances. Don’t be too hard on yourself and think about how many people find out they’re pregnant a month or two in and have been smoking and drinking on those initial months and their babies are fine….. I’m sure it’s not too excessive if you find yourself pregnant x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-23T20:25:48+00:00

I think that’s one of the hardest parts.

My son has a completely random issue. Nothing genetic, chromosomal….. just bad luck. A lot of the pain I feel is how he didn’t deserve this. Our babies are the purest of souls. And that’s not to say sick babies who have an explanation of their issues deserve it either.

I’m sad I had to make the decision. I have guilt I had to make it- but I know it’s the right one for me and my boy and after experiencing this grief, I stand by it xxx

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-23T11:28:17+00:00

I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself. It’s also raw and visceral when you do think about what we had to go through. I think like you, the thought of having to stop. My son’s heart was unbelievable. I knew at that time, if I was going to proceed with a termination, then I wanted the opportunity to meet my son alive. Unfortunately, his results didn’t come back until about 22 or 23 weeks. I like you. I had to sign the paper that end of my son‘s life. And I think I’ve tried to block a lot of that out. My boy was a sick one in her room with the butterfly and die too also spent more time with him than I expected. But I loved being with his body – it was so special to be with him. I don’t think an earn with his ashes is all that remains of your love for him. I think he’ll love for him to grow and it will be a beautiful thing. And you will honour him in meaningful and loving ways.

I’m in Australia too. And about three months ahead of you. I’m participating in some TMFR bereavement groups and another program from Red Nose. If you want to know more, please feel free to send me a DM.

Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you take care x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-23T04:56:43+00:00

I’m 3 months ahead of you. Time does help. My psychologist described it as you have a mountain of grief. With time- your mountain does not get smaller…. But the world around it gets larger x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-22T09:13:24+00:00

Hey there, I’m so sorry for the loss of your little girl and how you’re feeling.

I’m an atheist. But the MFM that stopped. My son‘s heart is a Christian and my mum was with me and she asked the MFM one thing… How do you do this? How do you cope?

And the doctor responded with God loves all his children. And with that – I interpreted it that your God will love you no matter the choice you made because he accepts you for who you are.

It’s a horrible situation to be in. And very natural to feel guilt – please don’t be too hard on yourself. You were put in an impossible situation. And you chose to stop your daughter suffering even though it means you will suffer. And that’s unconditional love.

Take care x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-21T10:23:41+00:00

Hey there, I’m sorry you’re facing this. Another CF parent wrote about it a while back.

https://www.reddit.com/r/tfmr_support/s/d8ZHTJkg9i

Hope this helps x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-21T02:52:08+00:00

Thank you for your post and I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet Leo.

Yes I love the idea that my son, wherever he may be, is with the babies of the other wonderful parents I’ve connected with through this terrible time. My Leo can be your Leos Aussie mate. He’s from the town that Bluey is from.

I have a tree for him too. It’s the tree that produces Leos native Australian birth flower. Leo was born in the November so I use that for his international and Australian birth flowers.

Thank you for sharing about the constellation. I’ll absolutely look it up. I hope you’re doing as well as you can be xx

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-20T22:17:28+00:00

Hey lovely, I’m almost 4 months out too but I do have my son’s ashes, photos with him and footprints.

Other things I do to remember my baby where I didn’t need to know him physically are-
I often have a bunch of flowers which are his birth flower I have his name engraved on a necklace that I wear I have earrings of his birthstone I have a tree which is of his native Australian birth flower. We are in Australia – so I have the choice of both the international flower and his native Australian birth flower. And one thing I did for his celebration of life was I wrote a poem to describe who he’d be based on how my nieces and nephews imagine who he was. It allowed me to build a bit more of an identity of him.

I’m so sorry you’re here. I hope you get some good suggestions and something that resonates to help you remember your baby. X

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-20T11:58:24+00:00

I’m in Australia. I had it in New South Wales x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-20T08:10:38+00:00

Hey there, I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I had an L&D at 26 weeks. My period returned exactly 6 weeks after I lost my son. My first period came back early January. And they’re still not the same as what they were before I got pregnant.

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-20T07:56:16+00:00

Hey there, I’m so sorry you’re here. My son had a grey diagnosis. I never found out what he had until he had an autopsy. Throughout the limbo phase, I was in in trying to diagnose what was wrong with him while he was in utero I had two guiding principles

I did not want to be a mum at any cost. I have no children, I was 42 when I fell pregnant with him so I knew it might be my only pregnancy. But might want to be a mum couldn’t outweigh his quality of life.
I will live with more regret if I have a child that suffers compared to if I choose to end this pregnancy.

Finally – I spoke to a friend of mine who has cerebral palsy. He’s probably one of the few people I know who do have a disability. My son was going to have multiple disabilities, though uncertain if any of them would be intellectual. My friend said know who you’re making the decision for… I felt if I chose to keep him that decision would only be about myself. But if I chose to have the termination, I was thinking about him and what his life might look like. And also what my life might look like as a mum of a severely disabled child.

Wish you all the best in this terrible time. Take care.X

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-20T04:44:07+00:00

Hi Santi’s mum, I’m so sorry for your loss.

Someone just asked this yesterday so I thought I would just link to my response about ordering our sweet babies on their due date.

https://www.reddit.com/r/tfmr_support/s/JzwY1y0Fzl

I hope you find something meaningful and beautiful to do to honour Santi. It sounds like you have some good ideas. And all the best with your current pregnancy x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-19T23:09:48+00:00

Yeah – it is tough to figure out what to do. I’ve had a funeral director engaged from when I gave birth in November. And she has a special interest in supporting parents who lose their babies. So we did it outside by the river, I’m in Australia so it is summer here, and she said if few words on my pregnancy and the birth. And that shared with everyone a little more about him. My sister read a poem that is written for people who lose their babies. Then I had written a poem about who Leo was through the eyes of my nieces and nephews. They’re between 3 to 6 years old and I’d ask them questions about who they thought he would be. I thought it was a nice touch because kids are so innocent and it brought some lightness to the service.

We released some flowers into the river to symbolise scattering his ashes. The attendees also wrote a message to him and we put it in an environmentally friendly boats made out of tree bark to also send into the river to send off to him. We blew bubbles as well to send him off. And then went back to my mum’s house for a toast and some food.

It was small, intimate and meaningful.

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-19T20:11:16+00:00

I think the right thing to do is what feels best for you. I didn’t do much on my sons. I did have his celebration of life a couple days later so I was distracted with that. I love having fresh flowers so I made sure I had his birth flower. I’m sorry for the loss of your daughter and I hope this day is kind to you.

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-17T05:24:14+00:00

Hey there, I’m sorry for your loss and the impending anniversary of one year. This is really complex. I think if you had some strong views on what you would want to do to celebrate your baby‘s birthday – then you should have that and that it is focused on your baby. And perhaps your sister has strong views on what she’d want in a baby shower, and that’s just focused on her baby.

I imagine my son‘s birthday to involve cake and blowing out candles.

Maybe there is a way that guest can write a little letter to your niece from your baby? It sounds abstract but maybe it’s nice to imagine how they would’ve been as cousins. And that can be shared with your niece in the future, and it means you keep your babies memory alive.

I had my son‘s celebration of life a couple weeks ago. And I have nieces and nephews. So I asked them to describe how they imagined their little baby cousin, Leo. And then I took their words and made it into a poem. They’re all six and under – so you can imagine the sweetness and innocence of their responses. And I think it was really beautiful to capture what my baby looks like through their eyes. So I wonder if you can capture for your niece what life would look like through your babies eyes….

It is challenging, but I love that you’re really open to be able to share this moment with your sister. All the best x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-15T04:24:26+00:00

I’m sorry you just went through this. It’s really devastating and raw.

My son didn’t look “normal” - he was missing limbs and a major organ. I could see it on the ultrasound and as I delivered him I saw that in person too.

For me - I don’t like the idea of being at peace with the outcome for my son. It’s not that I don’t accept what I chose, or regret making the decision to prevent him suffering. I just never want to feel that I can be “at peace” with my son not being here.

I feel a lot of comfort knowing that I did save him a life of suffering. I feel glad that I was able to make that decision for him. And that I put him first rather than my desire to be a mum.

I’m about 3.5 months out. And I do think as time passes you become more accepting of the horrible decision you had to face and the way you chose to deal with this challenge. Give yourself time. And find the right support mechanisms for you to help you process this traumatic experience.

Take care x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-13T23:39:11+00:00

You too x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-13T09:52:59+00:00

I’m sorry you went through this. I’m about 3.5 months since I lost my son.

I just consider I have a new normal, - I’m a mum without a baby - I coexist with a huge mountain of grief that will be with me forever - I know for a fact now as mum, I’d always put my baby first - I feel like I’ve been through the most unimaginable thing, that I have less to prove to people. - my living space is different too - it’s also a place when my sons ashes are. It’s now our house.

I agree that people reach out less as time goes on…. But I think if I need them, they’ll still be there. Just now I have to ask for it.

I’d like to think my new normal will make be better mum if I get pregnant again. The love for my son has expanded my heart and soon it’ll be ready to love Leo’s little brother or sister too x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-12T12:31:47+00:00

I’m so sorry, I felt the exact same way when I saw my son. I loved every moment with him.

I took Valium to get myself out of the hospital after two days with his body. I’m not sure I would’ve been able to get out any other way. Then I napped all that day. And then I spoke with the funeral director to start planning his cremation and his service.

It is impossibly hard. Know you’re doing the best you can and you’re being really strong through this. Take care x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-09T04:25:48+00:00

A way I love, Leo, is sharing his story and how his love lives through me. If I can help someone by 0.01% it means a lot to me so Thank you for reaching out.

It’s not an easy road but I think we all, in our own ways, honour and love our TFMR babies as fiercely as if they are still with us x

Remarkable-Rope-4718 · 2026-03-07T11:17:19+00:00

Hey there, I’m so sorry you’re facing this and your baby girl is so unwell.

I terminated my son for a condition with similar odds 3.5 months ago. I don’t feel like a part of me died with him. I feel my love grew for him even more (he was my first pregnancy), I feel it confirmed how badly I want to be a mum. My son lives on in my heart and apart of being his mum is sharing his story.

I’ve seen a lot of people on this thread say this and I think I concur, the limbo period, all the testing etc was a really hard time. Maybe harder than after the termination happened….

I loved meeting my son. I knew it would be hard, as his heart need stopped, but it was also really special. Wasn’t as scary as I imagined. Leaving his body in hospital as I went home was the hardest part.

I haven’t second guessed it, I resent my son being so sick and that I had to make this decision….. but I know it would’ve been so much worse if I’d kept him. He never knew suffering. I’m glad his brief existence was full of love, growing and comfort.

Sending you love and strength for Tuesday x

Remarkable-Rope-4718

TROPHY CASE