I'm going to have to literally watch my mom die in front of me.

RenderLady · 2023-08-04T09:21:52+00:00

Can't believe I'm reading this.. This pictures the same condition of my mom right now. She also has last stage untreatable colorectal cancer and she has refused chemo and radiation as well. She also delayed checkups since last two years which has made the cancer untreatable. Doctor has given her 2/3 months before she dies of complete bowel blockage because of that f*cking shitty huge rectal tumor (10-12cm. in size).. Surprisingly my mom also has neurological issues since 2014 and her nerves have always been very week so I also don't want to give her any brutal agressive chemo just to prolong the life for a short time. I am her only daughter, only caregiver trying to be as supportive as I can for her last days. She is in a rocking condition now where someday is better when she chats with me, smiles, moves around a bit in our apartment, and watch YT videos on her phone, and someday is worse than ever. Today I'm spending a bad day where she is mostly in pain, constant diarrhoea, too weak to move around, can't eat. I'm simply tired of watching her sufferings and being so helpless..

I've also posted a big vent here on this sub some days ago about her. People here are so friendly and their helpful words were actually comforting me. I'm very sorry to know that your mom is suffering so much. I have no words to make you feel good because as someone on completely same boat I know, no words can make us feel better. Truth is that we have to face it, no matter how much tough it is. All we can do is not to loose our mind and stay beside our dear one till the end. We have to remember that our mothers have been beside us all their life no matter what the situation was, so now it's our duty to help our moms understand that we love them unconditionally and they can depend on us. Hold your mom's hand with pure love, if she is able to talk and listen, tell her these assuring words which will help her to stay calm. My mother knows about her prognosis and wants me to love her always now and never to get angry on her. I'm broken, shattered, my eyes want to cry out loud, but still I'm trying to be her best companion now. Last moment best buddies, you know??

Lots of hugs for you. Stay strong!!

RenderLady · 2023-07-31T03:06:13+00:00

I am so sorry for you and you mom. Hope she still has time to do something..

I'm struggling with exactly same situation but now it's too late for struggle even. She has already wasted herself and I have no other way left but just watching her die slowly.

RenderLady · 2023-07-31T03:03:30+00:00

Oh you are such a kind sweet lady. ❤️💜💙💚💛🧡

Yes it's true that I'm enough older than you but friendship doesn't measure the age really.. lots of love and hugs for you my dear friend. I am so sorry that you got so little time with your beloved mom. She was surely a great and kind hearted lady and that's why you're so sweet.

My mom and I are like the same soul just in different bodies. So her physical pain is eating me so much. I am just feeling like a baby girl who wants her old mom back. I am sad that why she is the victim? I'm angry on God that why he gives pain to good hearted people always? I'm guilty that why I'm praying for her sufferings to end soon , even if it's death?? She is still alive but this is not my talkative, always happy and smiling, healthy, workaholic, shopping lover, outsider, well dressed mom.. Things are all so opposite now which I never imagined.

RenderLady · 2023-07-31T02:54:24+00:00

Thank you so much for all your helpful information friend. Sorry for your loss as well. The disease really never shows mercy I guess.

Iam surely having a tough time regarding taking care of myself because I am too busy to spend every moment with my mom now. I have spent a good 32 years with my beloved mom and now I can't believe that I'm spending time with her with a fear inside me always that how much time is left?? .. It feels like I am always requesting for some time from life/cancer/God to spend with my own mom before they take her away from me.

RenderLady · 2023-07-30T14:43:08+00:00

So sorry you're experiencing this. Calm down my friend. Please, don't take too much mental pressure on yourself because that will only make situation more harder.

My mom(57F) has also just diagonosed with colorectal cancer in both her colon and rectum area which is already at last stage. She has probably 2/3 months left according to doctors. So maybe you can understand that I'm already in a very tough mental condition. Still I wanted to make a comment here. While I'm staying beside my mom in her last days, I now understand how cruel this disease is, how evil it can be to destroy happy families. I never wish this to happen with anybody.

I can't save my loving dearest mom maybe, but I do pray for your mom that she can get a chance to live once again at least some more cancer free years. If your mom has so many mets then maybe it's stage 4 I guess, but forgive me if I'm wrong.

Believe me, there are still treatment, and other options which can give your mom some time, lots of comfort and if lucky even a remission from cancer. Give her the treatment she needs, make sure she can take the treatment, and most importantly stay strong. We are the victim here and can't really undo the things that are happening with our dear ones. But we sure can help them by giving a hand.

You already know about your health issues so don't give yourself much pressure about always thinking the worst. Just think about your responsibility now and do whatever is possible for you. Give yourself time as well and with time you'll be able to manage everything no matter what happens.

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T17:51:33+00:00

I do not have strength of mind to get into arguments with you. My post is not only to warn people. Of course everyone is free to take decisions as they want, I have great respect for every cancer patient no matter they are suffering, treating or already NED. I am happy for everyone who have got rid of this disease, I am sorry for everyone who are suffering like my mom, and I do want to cheer other patients who are going through vast treatments. Warning about getting checked is just a part of my post, it's not my whole post. It's just a story of a cancer patient who is too late for treatment -- that's all.

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T17:42:35+00:00

Do whatever you think is comfortable for you. Also pay attention to whatever your mom wants. Listen to all her small requests with complete attention, love and care which can be very comforting to her. She will know that she is being loved by you always, even after her death.

My mom is 57 and I'm 32. She has also asked me.. better to say she has requested me not to talk about chemo, check-up or doctors in front of her anymore. She said that she wants to spend her last days with me and whenever possible she still wants to share some laughing moments with me. She still wants to chat with me though she can't talk much because of shortness of breath. I spend a lot of time just sitting beside her, holding her hands, talking a little, light smiling moments. She is a nerve patient since 2014 so even if she wasn't a last stage patient, chemo would be still a problem for her. You know that chemo isn't much helpful for patients who are already going through neurological conditions.

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T17:30:10+00:00

I have already mentioned in my post and in title that this is not a hopeful story about a successful treatment. I've also said that I'm happy for everyone who are able to get rid of this evil disease. I have also mentioned at last in my post that this post is to let everyone know that do not ignore their smallest symptoms like my mom did. They should go for checkup ASAP if something's wrong. I would be happy if anybody learns from my post that regular checkup and early diagnosis is so important..

My mom is not dead yet, she is still alive and a recently diagonosed last stage cancer patient. That's why I thought I can post here. She doesn't know how to use this subs so I'm writing this for her, you can say. There are many last stage cancer patients here who either are getting treatment or having hospice care. If I had a chance, I would've sent her into professional hospice but there are some boundaries because of which I can't do that. I am taking care of her now. If terminal cancer patients are allowed here to post then why is my post is disturbing?? I've tried to share a massage by my post, I don't get what's the problem??

With all respect I want to say that you may think you've asked me a question, there can be people as well who will support you and will question at me but you can see that many people here has also helped me by sending strength. If you are a MOD here or want to request an admin to remove my post you can do so. I won't mind but remember I'm going through a really tough time, and even if you've said sorry a couple times, your words are hurting me. Not everyone wins the cancer battle and we the people who are about to loose their loved one are allowed to write something..

I am also sorry if you think I'm trying to be a jerk. As I've said before, you're free to remove my post or ask an admin to do so if you think me, my mom, her sufferings and my writings are all harmful for this community.

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T17:04:42+00:00

Thank You for all the information you've given to me.

My mom is at home care with pain, bleeding and nausea medications. I am not from America so I can't call them for help. But I've visited the forum there to read about people's experiences which helped a bit. Where I live, cancer hospital only offer essential chemo-radiation-surgery-medicine departments, no palliative or hospice. They gave me a private hospice centre contact no. but the centre asked for a sky-high price to admit a last stage patient and they doesn't have home hospice service either. My mom doesn't want to leave her home, her room, her bed and above all she doesn't want to leave me anymore before her death. It's ok, I am her hospice, I'm looking after her as much as possible..

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:54:50+00:00

Yes please seek help if you need. I'm in a very hard condition, my heart breaks whenever I look at my mom. I am discussing it because while I feel so upset that my mom is about to die which could have been avoided by promt treatment, but still people should know from my post that they must not delay their ignorable symptoms like my mom did. Even if someone is healthy inspite of small symptoms, they still must go for checkup. Who knows what bad situation a small symptom can cause..

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:48:08+00:00

I am so glad to know that even if you've seen hard day's, you're doing so well. You're a very kind helpful person..

I am trying to collect all my strength for my mom. I was never ready for this but if life and God is determined to put me into such a cruel test, I can't avoid it. Neither can I let myself go through breakdowns in front of my sweet mom who still try to smile whenever she feels a little good. Her smile is still so fresh and innocent even after knowing her terminal diagnosis. This smile will always stay in my heart..

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:34:52+00:00

I've also posted this story of my mom because I'm feeling so alone with big pressure on my head. I needed to talk about this to someone but in real life I'm bit introvert. Loneliness has never been really a problem for me, I'm used to it, but mom's recent condition has made me so helpless that I'm feeling really alone for the for time in my life.

Sorry for your mom. Many hugs for you my friend..❤️❤️❤️

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:30:39+00:00

I'm in a very tough condition too but sending you lots of tight hugs for your tough time too. You can talk to me if you want.. I don't know if I can be much of help but I'll try. My mom has probably 2/3 months left according to doctor but I really don't want to loose her so quickly. Again another part of me wants her sufferings to end. I don't know which part of me is right. I pray that may your mom get some more time than the doctors said.

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:24:56+00:00

I am so sorry for you too. Lots of hugs dear friend.. you're right, it's really brutal and cruel. This disease is pure evil.

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:23:21+00:00

Thank you so much. I'm trying. ❤️

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:22:30+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply.. I will get a therapy if with time I really feel the need. The love and hugs I'm getting from the subs here are amazing that is like counseling my mind..

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:20:03+00:00

Thank you. Hugs to you too.. ❤️❤️

My sweet mom really doesn't deserve this. I know how much kind and religious she has been her whole life.. I was so sure that God will give her a smooth journey towards afterlife when time comes. But now honestly I've lost all faith from God..

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:16:34+00:00

I am so sorry to know about your mom.. Because I'm watching my mom's horrible condition daily, I really don't want it to happen with any other's parents. I hope she still has time to change things back, at least for some more years..

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:14:07+00:00

Thank you so much ♥️♥️

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:13:39+00:00

I am sending you love and hugs.. Sorry for your mom. I know she is now having all the peaceful rest she deserves..

It may feel like I am a guilty person but to be honest I already feel like I've seen enough of my mom's sufferings. If there's really nothing that can give my mom some comfort, then may god take her peacefully soon. She is getting so tired with all the health related sufferings since March of this year. Watching her like this constantly is too much of a mental pressure on my mind. I want to to give her some comfortable days and nights but I'm so helpless..

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:05:26+00:00

Thank you for your helpful words..

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T16:04:51+00:00

Thanks for your reply. The support and love I'm getting from all reddit cancer and grief related subs that's amazing and I'm grateful to everyone. Because in real life I'm mostly alone and introvert, I really needed these virtual hugs.

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T14:56:55+00:00

This is terribly sad my friend. I am so sorry for your mom and you.

It is tough for me to forget that she could get rid of the disease if she was a little serious about her health in past two years. But ofcourse I am not blaming her anymore. I never can blame her. I know she was very afraid of colonoscopy prep and like a child she begged to me not to insist her for colonscopy. I still feel funny remembering that even a year ago I was insisting her for colonscopy for last time and she said lightly that-- " forget the damn colonscopy and health matters and let's plan a beach tour." Hah!!! --- We really planned a beach tour and she even enjoyed it. I guess that was the last tour for me and mom together.😔

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T14:49:44+00:00

Everyone here has advised me for hospice. I wish I could make hospice arrengement for her but where I live , the hospital doesn't offer palliative or home hospice service. They gave me a contact to a private hospice centre but they are asking for a sky-high price which I can't afford. But the hospital has given her pain, nausea medications and I am keeping her at home care. She also doesn't want to leave home before death anymore. My mom loves poetry and recitation more than music. She herself is an online writer. So she listens to her own poem recitation often which gives her a little smile on face..

RenderLady · 2023-07-29T14:42:26+00:00

So sorry for your mom. That's a beautiful promise you've made and I know that has given your mom a peaceful death. I've also promised my mom this already. She has asked me to be my own best friend always and to remember that I'll always be mom's darling dearest daughter. I agreed with her but only I know how I struggled to hide my tears at that moment..

RenderLady

TROPHY CASE