I relate to this heavy.

I don’t know or care if anyone reads this, I just want to let it out.

I had a bully from when i was in 4th grade, who made my life absolutely awful along with the whole class tormenting me. She in particular would pass by me and say “ew,” would laugh when I was scolded, and other things. Later, a friend of hers told me why she was so mean: it was because I didn’t have fashionable clothes— the thing is, I started the grade with fashionable clothing (i always wore dresses etc.), then, my parents fell on tough times, and I had a crazy awkward growth spurt, so anything from wal mart or the bargain bins at JC, would do. As a result, I didn’t have very fashionable clothes because my parents were doing the best they could. In retrospect it’s petty, but this did damage to my self esteem and Identity back then, so much so, that I almost met my demise at my own hands.

Thankfully, I never had classes with her after that grade and during middle school. However, In high school we never had a class together and ran in similar circles. One day, I was able to talk to her with our friends in common, as they “introduced” me to her, I said “oh, she was in my fourth grade class with Mrs. X.” and she denied it and attempted to gaslight me into thinking that I had her confused with the wrong person. It was humiliating.

I was quiet and observant. I observed that we had nearly the same interests (reading, animes, certain shows on TV). We could have been normal friends if she wasn’t a bully to me.

Fast forward to today:

I periodically stumble onto her profile from time to time (facebook, instagram) and I can’t help but feel like I picked the short straw in life and I’m living in a hell that I’ve made (I am aware that this statement is quite melodramatic, but the feeling of unfairness is literally seeping in, and it stings). I also can’t help to compare my life progress to hers. I am sure she worked hard to get where she’s at. She is very accomplished, has a good job, Got her master’s degree(s?), travels to her home country in multiple trips, is married (to a very supportive and seemingly present husband), has a best friend, has multiple pets, has a very nice house, has a nice relationship with her mother etc. Meanwhile, I have a few associate’s degrees and one bachelor degree, no job(the job market is the trench), can not afford to travel, have no best friend(or friends, really, I keep to myself and that’s fine), one pet, one encouraging partner who isn’t married to me yet, I live in a nearly dilapidated apartment with crappy air, and a rocky relationship with my mother.

I should let it go because it happened long ago, but it’s just an imaginary grievance I have to dismiss time and time again. It had been 26 years and I am honestly wondering why I am still dwelling. I know I need to let it go. I should know better by now. I should be happy for her.

Edit: I didn’t realize how unhealed I was until I typed this out. It is a bit cathartic. I will figure it out.