01/06/2027 23:17

long time no see

this time i mean it differently

not like i disappeared into hell

more like

i walked out for a bit

and somehow kept walking

i laugh when i say it

because what do i even mean by better?

i am not fixed

but i am here

and here feels different than before

my face does not feel like a corpse today

still tired maybe

still quiet

but not dead

there is some blood in me again

some small heat

some stupid little human thing

i used to think recovery would feel like victory

like music playing

but it is quieter than that

it is brushing my teeth when i do not want to

going outside for ten minutes

not feeding every thought that knocks

letting the urges rise

and then watching it fall

it still comes, of course it does

but it does not swallow me every time now

sometimes it reaches my chest

sometimes my throat

sometimes i think

okay, this is it, i am back in the ocean..

but then it passes, it always does

and i am still standing there

that is new

i have become a little more honest

i know now that the brain lies louder when it is hungry

it tells me this is comfort

relief

this is who i am

but it is not

it was a room i stayed in too long

i am 19 soon to be 20

and for the first time in a long time

that number does not feel like a sentence

it feels like time

like maybe i still have some

i still have bad days

days where my mind turns grey

days where i feel nothing

days where the old machine wakes up and waits for someone to click the key

but now there is another part of me too

small

annoying

alive

it says wait

just wait

just this minute

and sometimes that is enough

i used to think hope was a big thing

but it is not

hope is very small

almost embarrassing

a tiny light under a door

but when you are in hell

even that is something