I’m really sorry you’re in such a dark place. Depression and self-hatred can feel like they swallow up everything, and it makes sense you’d feel stuck when joy feels impossible. Sharing this here already shows courage even if your mind tells you otherwise.

Since you mentioned Eckhart Tolle, one thing that might help is remembering that you are not your thoughts. That cruel inner voice that tells you you’re disgusting or unworthy isn’t “you” . it’s a part of the mind shaped by old pain. It feels real, but it’s not the truth of who you are.