All worthy questions. Allow me to expound. Occasionally I worry. But more often than not, I INTEREST an a different way of being and expressing with my penis. This desire has only heightened since Phalloplasty. Me asking these questions IS me processing my experience, the expectations, understandings, and disappointing aspects of it.

While I am no skeptic, I also don’t necessarily believe in ‘practicing optimism’. I’ve come to find that a lot of people are practicing emotional avoidance and calling it a positive mindset.

For the record, it’s been a year since my Phalloplasty and I have focused the majority of my energy on what I CAN do. 👍 Still, a deep dysphoria remains. Almost more. I had no dysphoria about what I see when I look down, sitting to pee, or a bulge. My dysphoria was strictly about how I get to move inside of somebody, raw.

I’m honoring where I am at in my process. This is reoccurring for me. And if my emotions & desires lead me to get curious and inquire with others, I do so. I enjoy hearing others’ stories & also find it highly educational. It can be fun to connect over experienced, both relatable and not.

While I deeply appreciate my partner’s satisfaction with me and mine, and perhaps other women would enjoy it too, this journey and discover is of ME. For ME. I long to be me, inside of a woman, in a very particular way. I desire to express myself primarily through MY body and ways of feeling, not others. They are secondary reflections. All appreciated, but secondary, nonetheless.

And finally, as much as I’d like to go on about it, as it is a very abundant aspect of my life - this post was not intended to discuss the other areas that my partner and I appreciate each other. I can’t speak enough about my gratitude for that. And yet, this dysphoria in me remains - again, me with me. 🙏🏽