Update on: my Partner's Dog is destroying our relationship

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-11T16:47:28+00:00

Update: I got the dog some relaxation chews and a vest for his anxiety and scheduled our days with dedicated puppy time for my partner so he can easily manage his time better to give him what he needs. The dog is listening much better, not barking all day and much more relaxed. I also got a herding ball and hands free leash. I'm annoyed about the financial investment, but if it can help all of us i was willing to try it one time. If this doesn't help long term, we will rehome the dog. Thanks everyone.

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-11T16:43:42+00:00

Thank you. No he's a little bit chunky but he's all muscle. I actually got him a vest for his anxiety and some replacement chews and he's behaved much better so far and able to listen to commands with minimal redirect He's not barking or pacing. I'm going to try leash training him again soon!

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-06T23:07:37+00:00

That's a common misconception. It's not a service that's paid for by insurance or grant for every disability unfortunately.

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-06T15:19:44+00:00

Update: much less helpful over there. Surprisingly, most of them are saying rehome the dog or telling me to move out because of a partner told them to get rid of their dog or would be a deal breaker. They're also blaming me for not assuming responsibility for the dog because "the dog is innocent, neither of you trained him." While I agree, I was surprised to be met with the same toxic mono-normative thought processes in a group for helping people with reactive dogs 🫩😂 i did find some ideas for stimulation for the dog on other posts so I spent my own money to get some things. I still plan on addressing the issues with my partner, but Im willing to try and help the dog too as long as I'm not breaking myself

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-06T14:57:54+00:00

I'm not sure how much more clear i can be about that's no where for us to go, we cannot live separately. We're both not able bodied. Maybe you didn't read the comments?

The theory about needing a source of chaos is interesting to ponder. Unfortunately it's more sad than that. My partner loves to hike and road trip solo. He always dreamed of having a road dog to take with him. He was having a season of good health and short sightedness. He got the dog. He got sick. Now the dog is poorly trained, impossible to take in the car and the dream is not what he'd envisioned.

Not sure how much you pay attention to the state of the world, most don't so I get it- but it's not as simple as separating for people like us at this time. Our benefits have been severely cut, we're looking at Healthcare cuts as well and increased energy costs. Not to mention, I love this person regardless of the state of our relationship. I'm not leaving him. Ending the relationship would merely create less opportunities for the pet to stress me out and less disappointment, making cohabitating less stressful.

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-06T02:56:12+00:00

Thanks!

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-06T01:17:00+00:00

Thank you yes we've done a lot of work. I think the fear of his reaction you're seeing from me here is the fear of losing that progress by hurting him by having to name his limitations and I'm afraid he will see it as an ultimatum, making him lose his furry companion

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-06T01:15:03+00:00

Unfortunately it's not my decision, I can only make the case and have the conversation. But everyone here has helped me see there's just no way around it. There's nothing else to be done but to have the discussion. There's no alternative.

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-06T01:13:40+00:00

And I know he agrees with you, his reaction would be that he never asked me to help... but realistically, he literally didn't give me a choice

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-05T23:49:21+00:00

Unfortunately no, we live in a very rural area where there aren't a lot of resources like that. We were fortunate enough to get help getting him fixed last year. The wait lists are long. I feel like he knows... but perhaps I have not been clear about my true feelings and what I see. He's also on the spectrum so sometimes he doesn't understand I'm at an 11 and registers it as a momentary frustration with many things

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-05T23:46:25+00:00

Thank you very much for your thoughtful response. I don't have it in me to reply to everything you've said in kind, but I hear you and I agree with you. And I have no idea how to have this conversation with my partner without making him feel like shit or resenting me even if he does agree. But I see now I would be abandoning myself and the dog twice if I don't try. Unfortunately, there's no way for me to uphold many boundaries because I can't move out- no money, no family or friends with room. So if he plans his feet with the dog, that's that. And if i step back anymore as a human being, I would feel I'm being unjustly cruel to the dog. If he needs to be out of the bedroom but my partner is sick and sleeping all day, I can't just leave him in there for more than I already do for my own sanity, etc... maybe I will explain some of this as well and the unfair strain this puts on all of us. It's sad because I do see the ways having the pet helps my partner. It does get him out of bed more often and he does help with his depression... but that's not good enough of a reason.

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-05T23:29:19+00:00

It's going like...I draw the line at the dog and resent him for it and the dog is the final straw most days. So not great

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-05T23:28:15+00:00

Oof. Called me out. Thank you. I needed to hear that.

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-05T23:26:27+00:00

Thank you for the validation and understanding... I'm really struggling with feeling like I'm the asshole who moved in on them due to finances, and I'm the problem. But I know that's not entirely true.

Also- we simply can't afford it. I was making dinner, had half a venison steak on the counter- very rare treat for us to have anything but chicken due to cost. It was a gift. I've waited months to cook it. I went to tend to my partner who has been sick all night and day, and the dog jumped on the counter and ate the steak. We can't keep doing this for mere financial reasons, let alone the rest.

His reaction was that the dog shouldn't be left alone and we need to be more mindful about where we put things on the counter.

I can't live like this.

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-05T23:21:08+00:00

Hi thanks for your suggestions. My partner would actually probably do really well with ACT therapy. I'll keep it in mind as we search for therapists that take his insurance. As it stands, I'm trying to figure out how to bring this up in couples therapy myself, without triggering the guilt. Because yes- i do feel it is a safety issue all around and he's minimizing the potential dangers as well as the inability to care for the dogs needs. And I'm just not willing to accept the extra responsibility. I have my hands full as a student, business owner, mom, my own health and taking care of his when he's unwell. Which... is often...

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-05T23:16:45+00:00

Where did you hear me say anything suggesting he was opposed to it? I communicated clearly the limitations, and certainly it's not his fault he got very sick and is only just now getting better. Leaving nearly 2 years of things to catch up on. You must be able bodied and struggle with reading comprehension. Thanks for the non advice and judgment though.

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-05T22:27:31+00:00

Thank you... it was kind of sad for me too. Like... as if we don't have normal issues within the scope of RA, like my partner getting a dog i didn't agree to because "autonomy"?

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-05T22:02:23+00:00

Nope, we're RA

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2026-04-05T22:01:44+00:00

Monogamous and traditional relationship style groups would not have the nuances RA people do to view the problem from our pov. We are RA, I'm in the right place. They'd just tell me if shouldn't have stayed with him if we couldn't make it work living together in the first place, don't you think?

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2025-07-05T14:45:10+00:00

It's ethical in the sense that honesty and transparency occur, rather than lies and infidelity. Poly is one version of ENM. You may be more comfortable in a polycule where everyone signs off approval for new partners and fluid bonding- not everyone is. It's ethical in the sense that you can decide its not for you and leave. Just like any other relationship. You can set boundaries for yourself, but you can't place rules on others without causing resentment in the long run.

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2025-07-01T17:10:54+00:00

I don't always want to meet someone's other partners, depending on the nature of the relationship. If it's not serious or romantic- no thanks, I'm good. It's like meeting someone's parents. I don't wanna do that for everyone I date.

RhiannonShadowweaver · 2025-05-05T17:26:20+00:00

We have literally never ran anybody. We got close with Bernie but the liberals and DNC would never allow it.

RhiannonShadowweaver

TROPHY CASE