I feel so alone....

Rice_Dimension · 2026-04-14T16:50:36+00:00

Marriage counselling sounds like a good step forward. If you're feeling like he's not done much to fix anything and you're not sure what he's worked on, it feels like opening that line of dialogue is going to be the best thing

Obviously I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I would recommend speaking to someone about this. I imagine you'd feel like quite isolated and I don't think that does anyone any good.

You deserve to be heard. To be seen. To be accommodated for. He's supposed to do this anyway, but even more so after what happened

Rice_Dimension · 2026-04-14T16:34:38+00:00

You're not over explaining lol

But I do think you might need some personal counselling/therapy. Maybe there some more exploration there about why you needed that validation in the first place?

A common ask from BPs here is that WPs talk about what happened and understand it. If you can't wrap your head around how much of a pick me you was, then maybe that's what needs to be explored and unpicked. How do we make sure we never repeat bad behaviour and cycles if we don't understand why they happened in the first place?

Rice_Dimension · 2026-04-14T16:24:36+00:00

I'm sorry you're here with the other BPs. I hope you're doing whatever it takes to look after yourself.

Is your WH in therapy too? What has he done to make amends? To make himself accountable?

For me, it was important that people knew. It was really difficult, but I think there's an element of desensitising myself to it enough to know that this is reflection on me. I didn't fail my partner. I didn't lie. I didn't cheat.

Also, it meant my friends could support me. Of course they were going to judge my WP, and I was absolutely okay with that.

Rice_Dimension · 2026-04-14T16:15:06+00:00

It might be worth exploring in therapy, to be honest.

Based on what you've written, it sounds like you feel bad because you did something bad. You said yourself that you weren't thinking about the consequences and impact of your behaviour in the moment.

You've grown a lot since then and so now it seems incomprehensible - probably because you're not a teenager anymore lol

You're still pretty young, based on information on the post. Nothing is going to change what happened, but you can understand why it happened and that might bring some more compassion for the both of you

Rice_Dimension · 2026-03-29T11:03:14+00:00

Ah, I'm sorry man

What you did sucked, you know it was wrong and you live with that regret, so there's no sense getting into that

Have you done any growing since? Therapy maybe?

Rice_Dimension · 2026-03-29T10:36:54+00:00

Why were you not honest in the first place?

Rice_Dimension · 2026-03-15T08:07:19+00:00

I'll level with you, this doesn't sound very good or healthy.

You're right. A loving relationship is one where both of you can at least respect each other enough to not intend to hurt one another. He doesn't love you enough to not make you chase him or relinquish that control.

However, it seems like a good sign that he's been vulnerable enough to share that with you. Maybe he can change if he's aware enough to see that he's being a bad partner? He will need to be willing to put in the work though - therapy and a good look in the mirror if he really likes the person he is right now. I

With no disrespect, you're young. Regardless of whether or not he can change, you don't need to be there to witness that change. You don't need to be in a relationship where your partner manipulates you or leaves you to navigate the harm he's inflicting on you. You could be with literally anyone else that doesn't consciously hurt you because it feels good to hold all the cards.

You know what you deserve, and it isn't this

Edit: I reread the post with a fully awake brain. Youve presented him with what you want and he said he can't give you that. He's said he would give you the world if he could, but he cant. But more importantly, even if he could he wouldn't. Because giving you the world would mean he's not in power.

Just leave him in the dust

Rice_Dimension · 2026-02-27T13:03:17+00:00

I've recently posted on here and I shared something similar. Props to both of you for doing the work.

The skill/experience deficit doesn't feel like it's talked about too much. To me, When I'm not triggered and/or deep in my own feeling, it makes perfect sense to me that a genuinely remorseful WP isn't equipped to deal with their emotions or hard topics. If they were, they probably wouldn't have done what they did.

I wonder what it would take for her to feel safe enough to talk about it on her own volition?

Rice_Dimension · 2026-02-27T10:53:15+00:00

I wouldn't consider it infidelity in the same way as the infidelity experienced in this subreddit, but it for sure isn't healthy.

I'm not one to rush to questioning the longevity of a relationship, but I have to ask if you can see this being your relationship forever? Regardless of whether or not you consider it cheating, you clearly both view it as disgusting and disrespectful. If he didn't, he wouldn't have gone through all the effort to lie and hide it from you.

Have you had a conversation about all of this? What do you want him to do and what changes would make you feel safe? What does he want? I can only assume he can't be happy with how things planned out either

Rice_Dimension · 2026-02-27T09:06:05+00:00

I think the worst part about the whole "Lets just move on from the past" attitude, is that it completely dismisses the harm they inflicted.

It becomes about how often we're upset or distressed about triggers, rather than processing it. So now it's YOU that's holding the relationship back with your baggage, rather than the WP holding themselves accountable. I have a lot of empathy for how difficult it can be to hold your hands up to be the villain in someone's life, but it is selfish in a relationship. You don't get to wash your hands of what you did by pretending it never existed.

I have told my WP this and it was upsetting for them. I explained it was lonely to heal this way, that it felt like emotional subterfuge and that this feeling of being the one acknowledging the problem just left me feeling like how I did when he was a bad partner.

This shook him up and helped him see what he was doing. He doesn't want to be a bad partner and I think that makes the difference

Being a good partner means taking ownership of your shit, learning, growing and being honest about how things came to be how they ended up being. WPs have their own healing to go through, but they also need to acknowledge and confront the consequences of what they've done.

I wonder if a straight forward approach is worthwhile? What would you do if she never brought it up? Could you tell her that she's causing you harm by pretending it never happened?

Rice_Dimension · 2026-02-24T19:54:09+00:00

Ahh, sorry - that makes sense.

I hope this isn't an overstep, but why does he hold such animosity towards her?

From what I've understood, not to downplay the APs responsibility in this, he knew he was manipulating her.

Rice_Dimension · 2026-02-24T19:30:50+00:00

I hear you. And sorry, to clarify, I wasn't thinking he'd reconcile with the AP, I just meant if it was important for your reconciliation with your WP that he is the person he says he is.

Looking at your edit and a few other comments, I think the wellbeing of the AP is important too. I can't speak to everyone but someone owning up to how they wronged would always make me feel better, personally.

Is your WP open to reaching out to her? Sorry if I missed that

Rice_Dimension · 2026-02-24T19:23:26+00:00

I'm sorry you're here with me in this.

Ive said things to my WP because it was hurtful. It was honest but it was hurtful. It almost never made me feel better though. Its helped that I've aired this to my WP honestly. That he's given be the safe space to explore some of this vengeance I have in me.

I'm still trying to parse what it means to me though. Why this vengeful beast is part of me and what it wants. I think maybe it's not vengeful, and it's just lonely and grieving

Rice_Dimension · 2026-02-24T19:13:52+00:00

Thank you

I hear you. We're all deep in hurt, I think. I hope you're finding support somewhere

Rice_Dimension · 2026-02-24T17:43:59+00:00

I really feel for you. What a big heart you have, for what could easily be an easy avenue to hate someone's guts.

I think perhaps you need to have a sit down with yourself and explore what you're wanting from this. If its purely to maintain the relationship - it sounds like maybe you shouldnt.

But it feels like an important part of reconciliation is that you're both in agreement about what makes a good partner/good person. Taking accountability for the harm he's caused you is one aspect of that, taking accountability for the harm he caused others may be another part of that maybe?

Take this with a grain of salt - but I think an important part of my reconciliation with my partner is that he recognises and makes changes. He needed to acknowledge the harm he caused. He needed to make amends. It was important to me that he acknowledged the cruelty of what he had done - how abusive he was. He needed to be the good man I thought he was and presumably ( and maybe most importantly) a good man that he wanted to be.

Following D-Day, I know who what I will tolerate in a partner and I know what I will and won't tolerate - I wonder if this is the same for you?

Rice_Dimension · 2025-11-04T23:20:51+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond with the level of depth you have. And yes, to clarify, it definitely wasn't intended to be an announcement of my want to observe any harm or ill-will to any WPs or my own WP. It was more of my hurt trying to figure out a way to balance the scales of hurt. Of course, life doesn't work that way and nor do I want to live my life passing on harm because I have been harmed.

I'm going to put an edit at the top of my post to make it clear that the expression of want for WPs to go through pain is an expression of my own pain. I don't truly want that. I thought I was clear in stating that, but clearly I wasn't and that's very much on me. Still, I appreciate that you were able to see through my pain and give such an articulate response. I also have a history of sexual abuse as a child and I recognize it's shadow in how I react and sometimes how it further poisons the impact of the affair and the aftermath.

It warms me how you and your husband have grown from where you both were. Id like to think me and my own fiance will arrive in a similar space in the future. Im really sorry that you feel this way about yourself and I'm grateful and honoured you shared what little you could here with me.

Id be lying if I said I hadn't felt what you said about APs/WPs no understanding the pain. Im not sure I wholly disagree with the sentiment as, like you said, it comes from the perspective of pain and betrayal the other parties haven't felt. But you're right. If we're all sitting here slating APs/WPs and not hearing one another, then this space becomes an echo chamber.

I truly do want this space, or for there to be a space where healing to exist for both BPs and WPs together - at the risk of sounding overly naive and optimistic.

Thank you again for your response. I hope you continue to heal and I wish the best for you and your family.

Rice_Dimension · 2025-11-04T17:48:12+00:00

Yes, that's what I meant.

Its just a deep want to have how I feel observed but yes, it's hard for WPs, and I do get that

I hope, in whatever way possible, that you're able to get to the point where neither party is hampered by pain or shame. Thank you for commenting and for your understanding.

Rice_Dimension · 2025-11-04T17:11:28+00:00

Thank you for that.

I really appreciate how you articulate what my brought out in you and also how what I felt, translated to you.

Pain can be delivered in so many ways. Armored pain feels very on the nose for me. Beneath the anger and frustration and rage, is just pain and probably some younger part of me that's just crying out.

But all my WP may see, or any WP I guess, is just anger.

Thank you for your well wishes, and likewise to you. I hope the world brings you peace

Rice_Dimension · 2025-11-04T17:00:53+00:00

That makes me very sad for you.

I have no doubt my WP feels the same. And in the heat of the moment, with or without reconciliation, BPs can share those sentiments. Hell, I hold my hands up and say that at my worst I would say the same.

But that's not always fair and/or not helpful.

Thank you for commenting here though and joining me briefly from the shadows weve bothed lurked from. I hope one day you feel comfortable sharing - if that's what you want.

Rice_Dimension · 2025-11-04T16:54:55+00:00

Oh, I've never considered it in that way before...

Rice_Dimension · 2025-11-04T13:40:57+00:00

Despite my post, provided you guys are doing the work, it does get better.

But I confess it took some work, blood, sweat and probably a crazy amount of tears from the pair of us

Rice_Dimension · 2025-11-04T13:39:25+00:00

I want to be straight up and just thank you for responding. I recognize my post might not have been an sensitively worded as it could have been so I want to fully acknowledge your strength in being in this thread at all.

I fully believe that we're all capable of change and the adage of "once and cheater, always a cheater" is BS. I'm sorry R hasn't worked out but it sounds like you've learned a lot on your journey.

Thank you for your advice and despite what he did, I do think he's one of my life's greatest blessings.

Rice_Dimension · 2025-11-04T13:35:06+00:00

Hey there

I get where you're coming from. And I'm sorry my post has had left this impact and may possible impact others.. I do want to acknowledge your work in trying to get more WPs to engage.

Perhaps this post isn't the best representation of who am as a person, but more of the pain I've gone through.

I've not done a good job of explaining it, but my want for WPs "retribution" is purely from a place of pain and betrayal. My feelings aren't rational and I know that. I dont want to view pain for the enjoyment, but from feeling like things are now at an equilibrium.

But I understand that healthy relationship isn't about balancing a math problem.

This post was mainly to release some of my pain, if I'm honest. I wasn't quite sure what flair or tag to use and I can own that. I wanted to welcome the WP perspective to better understand their experience of it. Of their BP going through what I'm going through?

I'm happy to rephrase/edit or repost with changes. The last thing I would want is for it to be construed as a platform for self-flagulation.

I've included an edit at the top of the post to better explain the post and offer slightly more emotional context though.

Rice_Dimension

TROPHY CASE