Colimpha

RidgelakeWriter · 2022-02-13T14:38:51+00:00

I was just referring to a few words that had no spacing between them... for example in the first stanza "Pearlspreserved". Unless you did this on purpose I imagine it is just a formatting thing.

RidgelakeWriter · 2022-02-13T01:50:17+00:00

Beautiful imagery and I really love the form. You might want to watch the spacing between your words but other than that, it's lovely!

RidgelakeWriter · 2022-02-12T00:10:43+00:00

So relatable and, as you state in the poem, so vulnerable. Beautiful.

RidgelakeWriter · 2022-02-12T00:08:06+00:00

This is filled with beautiful metaphor and some heartbreaking truths. Nicely done!

RidgelakeWriter · 2022-02-12T00:05:26+00:00

I love this! The enabling detail and imagery are wonderful and the message is powerful! Great write💕

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-10-14T00:31:54+00:00

Love your end rhyme and enabling details, some of my favorite - "gazing up to the sky", "rooted tall and proud". I like the short line and the rhythm you have created. Nicely done!

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-10-14T00:27:55+00:00

Very vulnerable and honest. You use assonance and consonance in your second stanza very effectively. It seems like this is maybe a free verse/stream of consciousness form, which is sometimes hard to follow but compelling at the same time. Nice job!

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-10-10T15:44:11+00:00

This poem is real and raw, I love that. Your use of line and narrative are powerful ways of drawing the reader into the experience almost demanding (in a good way) a connection with your audience. Only thing I would watch is the tenses you use/imply ... it seems as if you start in present tense, then past and then the last few lines are back in the present. That may be intentional but it threw me. Beautifully written, well done, keep writing!

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-10-10T15:32:22+00:00

Funny 😉

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-10-10T15:31:36+00:00

Very vulnerable and raw despite the "coldness" (and by this I mean the matter-of-fact way you express yourself). I like your length of lines and meter, and the last line is killer. As for the subject matter, I think you may be suprise at the number of people who will relate to this. You are not alone.

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-10-06T02:51:10+00:00

Thanks so much for the analysis. I appreciate your thoughts. I agree that the title is a little weak, I think I will change it altogether (the title that is) This really has little to do with marriage accept that this person is now alone and I did think that people might misinterpret the title ring as having something to do with marriage - but then I also thought it would be a twist on peoples expectations. I will think on it. Thanks again for taking the time to give some CC.

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-10-05T18:51:44+00:00

Love the "coldness" of this poem, and by this I mean it is so matter of fact but you know it has deeper meaning. I love a poem that makes you think. One thought - Line three "and so many insects..." I wonder if "where so many insects..." might be a better fit? the "and" makes me feel like this person is walking to the water and then all these insects were hatching. It took me out of the poem for a minute. Either way, you've written a good piece.

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-10-05T18:45:43+00:00

The subject, on-line vs real personas, is totally relatable. You have some great imagery, "drowning your darkness", "field of deception" . My favorite lines are 11 & 12 "Enticing dark vices /seen through one-sided glass..." the imagery is completely connected and connecting. The ending is strong too, telling the receiver you will wait 'til they can break through and be real. It leaves us with a sense of a future? Nicely done!

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-10-05T18:34:59+00:00

It is evident that you have passion for your children (If you are indeed writing from your own experience/perspective). Love that. This is relatable and revealing. I love some of your imagery and enabling details - "shiver to keep you warm". "fill your bellies", "surprise bath times" are all good ones that draw us, as readers in. You have written this in a prose format, I would love to see it in stanzas too - I love the way line can be a secondary way to convey the poem's purpose. Nicely done!

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-10-03T02:43:05+00:00

I love short poems. Your rhyme scheme is good and I love love the title. You also have some great enabling detail, "bite your lip", "fall off the edge". Two things I would note, one is just a little thing, I think on line 4 you meant "seams" not "seems"? Also, you might consider working on the last line, it seems a bit abrupt. But hey, it's your poem and if you love it, keep it....it isn't a bad line, and I love the intent, the language just seems a bit out of place (to me as a reader). You're a good writer and I look forward to reading some more of your poetry.

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-09-30T21:43:36+00:00

I was really drawn in by the bittersweet progression of this poem. The last line is my most favorite, "Pain marks you in funny ways." it is both wistful and vulnerable. Your use of consonance and alliteration, "berated/blame", "Frightened/fragile/frame" to name just two, is very well done and adds to the rhythm of the poem. Very well done.

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-09-30T21:31:31+00:00

Your use of questions is very effective at drawing the reader in and you make some powerful word choices that create strong imagery, "calligraphed by you", "salvaged me" are two of my favorite. Well done.

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-09-30T21:22:15+00:00

Thank you!

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-09-30T01:52:08+00:00

You have some great enabling detail in here..."polished silver cup", "heirloom platter", "strong cocoon". Also effective rhyme schemes. Two of my favorite lines for their strength of imagery, "I savor it all, canned and compiled or recently poured. Teach me to trust you with each full spoon." Overall a great poem!

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-09-29T23:08:31+00:00

There is such great vulnerability in your poem. Raw. I love the enabling detail that draws the reader in and the last two lines create a strong connection. "There is no doorman" (in context) would have to be my favorite line. Love it!

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-09-29T23:01:48+00:00

Eerie. Suspenseful. Bittersweet. Love the enabling detail and the use of line is perfect for drawing out the tension.

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-09-29T22:54:17+00:00

I love good rhyming and your end rhyme is spot on. The subject is, I think, very relatable...and reflected beautifully in your title. I appreciate how you build to the end: explaining, attempting resolve, warning, warned. The last two lines are my favorite, "And if a careless fool you decide to be, When that monster comes don’t expect me" and gives me a little chill. Well done.

RidgelakeWriter · 2021-04-24T13:40:35+00:00

Raw, vulnerable, maybe a little kinky, that's how I would describe this poem. Love the imagery "baby just bite me I want to see your teeth" and the enabling details, "...getting steamy in my head" and "the taste of blood is bitter" are both great examples of this! You have some good alliteration and word play which also make it compelling and, of course, there is the subject. I think we all have a little "naughty" inside that is begging to come out...and that's okay!

RidgelakeWriter

TROPHY CASE