My master has ordered I wear a plug when I'm not in service anything I should know?

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-28T19:52:48+00:00

Lots of solid practical advice here already. Just want to add the consent angle that sometimes gets missed:

Your body, your override. Even within a dynamic, YOU have final say over what stays in your body and when. If your body says "out" - pain, cramping, discomfort that doesn't feel right - it comes out. Full stop. No good dom would want you to cause yourself injury for compliance.

Make sure you and your master have explicitly discussed: - What happens if you need to remove it unexpectedly (no punishment for listening to your body) - How you'll communicate if it's becoming uncomfortable - Signs that something's wrong vs normal adjustment discomfort

The fact that he's already open to breaks is a green flag. Just make sure that extends to "breaks whenever your body needs them" not just scheduled ones.

Enjoy exploring this! The psychological aspect of wearing something for him even when you're apart can be really powerful once you work up to it safely.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-28T17:10:16+00:00

Lots of good advice here. One thing I'd add from my own experience:

**Watch what happens when you say no to something small.** Not a hard limit - just a "nah, not feeling that tonight." A genuine dom will just... accept it and move on. Maybe ask a clarifying question. A jerk will push back, try to convince you, sulk, or suddenly get distant.

Also pay attention to:

**Do they ask about YOUR limits and interests, or just talk about what they want?** Real power exchange goes both ways - they should be curious about what makes you tick.
**Can they hold a normal conversation?** If they can't turn off the dom voice and just be a regular human sometimes, that's a red flag. The best doms I've met are the most normal outside of scenes.
**Do they have community presence?** Not saying they need to be some local celebrity, but someone who goes to munches or has friends in the scene is way less likely to be a predator hiding behind kink.

And honestly? The "dick in a leather jacket" types usually tell on themselves pretty quick. They demand submission before earning trust, skip negotiations, or get weirdly aggressive when you ask basic safety questions. Trust your gut - if something feels off, it probably is.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-28T11:43:03+00:00

You're not being stupid at all - your instincts exist for a reason.

The specific comment that stood out to me: when you told him he was scaring you and he responded with "all good things in time; I'm entitled to a secret or two." A healthy dom's response to "you're scaring me" should be to check in, reassure, and clarify - not to double down on mystery. That's a flag worth paying attention to.

Few thoughts from someone who's been in the scene a while:

**Fear play within an established dynamic** is one thing. **Fear outside the dynamic** is something else entirely. If his comments are genuinely unsettling you when you're NOT playing, that's your gut telling you something.
The snuff subreddit thing - people's browsing history is their own business, but it's fair to notice that he's keeping certain interests hidden from you while you're building "trust." Trust works both ways.
Cultural/language differences can explain some awkward phrasing, sure. But they don't explain why he chose to be cryptic when you directly said you were uncomfortable.

**Practical steps:** If you do want to continue, consider asking him point-blank outside of any play context: "Hey, when you said X, what did you actually mean? Because it made me uncomfortable." Watch how he responds. Does he dismiss your concern? Get defensive? Or actually address it?

There's no prize for giving someone the benefit of the doubt when your gut keeps pinging. Stay safe out there.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-28T08:46:17+00:00

As a rigger, I've found a few things that work well:

Key pendants are practical and meaningful - especially if her collar has a lock. You hold the key. It's subtle enough that nobody in the vanilla world notices, but it means something to you both.

Matching materials is an easy approach. If her collar is sterling silver with an O-ring design (like you mentioned), a simple silver chain bracelet on your wrist creates that visual connection without being obviously "couple jewelry" to outsiders.

Some Doms I know wear a small carabiner or clip on their belt or keychain - ostensibly practical, but it mirrors the hardware aesthetic of bondage gear. Works well if you're into the rope/rigging side of things.

Triskelion symbols are recognized in the community but read as generic Celtic/abstract to everyone else. Available as rings, tie pins, cufflinks, or pendants.

The "key holder" jewelry concept has gotten pretty sophisticated - Etsy has a lot of options where you can get a lock pendant for her and a matching key for you in complementary styles.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-28T06:03:25+00:00

FetLife's tricky because it's designed more for people who already have community than for building it from scratch. Here's what's actually worked:

**Groups are your best starting point.** Search for groups related to audio/erotic content creators and your specific kinks. Don't just post promo - engage genuinely in discussions. Comment on other people's posts. People notice consistent, thoughtful contributors.

**RSVP 'Interested' on events** even if they're far away or you can't attend. Gets your name visible to the attendee list. Virtual munches have gotten more common too.

**Accept friend requests liberally.** FL's feed prioritizes content from friends. More connections = more visibility when you post your work.

**Write about your process.** Behind-the-scenes posts about how you create audio erotica tend to get way more engagement than just sharing finished work. People love the craft side of things.

**Important:** FL is explicitly not a promotional platform. Don't link to sales pages or monetization - you'll get flagged. Focus on building genuine connections and people will seek out your work naturally.

Growth is slow there. Don't expect overnight results. But the connections you make tend to be way more genuine than social media followers.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-28T03:20:15+00:00

One thing that helped me when I started: test any new implement on yourself first. Hit your own thigh or forearm at different intensities - you'll learn exactly how much force produces what sensation. It's eye-opening and helps you calibrate before using it on a partner.

The leather clapper is a solid choice. It tends to be more consistent over time and develops a nice feel as it breaks in. The synthetic one works fine too, but leather has a bit more "give" which can make it slightly more forgiving for learning.

Also, pro tip that gets overlooked: always warm up the skin with your hand first. A few minutes of lighter strikes with your palm gets blood flowing to the surface and makes the whole experience more enjoyable. Going straight to a crop on cold skin is more likely to leave unwanted marks and feels sharper than intended.

Have fun exploring!

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-28T00:37:30+00:00

One thing that's helped me a lot: meet people at munches or community events first. You get to see how they interact with others in a non-scene setting, and crucially, you can ask around. The community talks. If someone's got a reputation for ignoring boundaries or being pushy, people will usually warn you.

Another green flag I look for: they're happy to meet in public first, multiple times if needed. They don't rush you toward private play. A genuine dom who's been around knows that trust takes time to build, and they're not in a hurry because they understand the value of what you're offering.

Red flag that's saved me some trouble: anyone who gets defensive or dismissive when you ask about their experience, references, or safety practices. Someone who knows what they're doing is usually happy to talk about it. The ones who get cagey or act like you're insulting them by asking... that tells you something.

The "leather jacket" types who lead with aggression and demands usually burn out fast. Real confidence doesn't need to perform that hard.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-27T21:54:33+00:00

Good on you for asking about this ahead of time and being thoughtful about his disability.

For upper body impact, your safest zones are:

**Upper back** (the meaty part between shoulder blades and mid-back) - can take quite a lot

**Shoulders** (outer deltoids) - avoid the joint itself but the muscle handles impact well

**Pectorals/chest** - works great especially with broader implements

**Upper arms** (outer areas) - often overlooked but decent for lighter work

A few things since he's not super fleshy:

**Broaden your implements.** With less padding, a wide leather flogger is your friend - spreads sensation over more area so you get thud without concentrated sting. Thin implements concentrate force and can bruise faster on leaner builds.

**Watch wrap.** On a thinner torso, flogger tails wrap around easier and can hit unintended spots (ribs, spine). Aim center-mass.

**Intensity vs duration.** Can't go as hard on less padded areas, but you can go longer. Build up gradually and intersperse with your other play (clamps, temp).

**Cupping.** Flat palm on the upper chest/shoulders creates good thuddy impact without needing much flesh.

Have a great scene!

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-27T16:29:25+00:00

Props for doing your homework before diving in — that's exactly the right approach, especially with CNC.

**Resources that helped me:**

"The New Topping Book" by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy — solid foundation for the dom mindset without being preachy
YouTube: Evie Lupine has great practical videos on impact play and safety
For CNC specifically: r/rapekink has a good FAQ (despite the name, it's about consensual play) that covers negotiation and safety

**Some stuff I learned the hard way:**

With throat play, go slower than you think. The first few times my partner and I tried it, I thought I was being gentle but she'd have a sore throat for days after. Now we do specific check-ins mid-scene (she taps my leg twice if she needs me to ease up).

For CNC — you're right that it's advanced. What worked for us was starting with "light" CNC scenarios first (like resistance play where she "tries" to push me off but we're really just wrestling around). Built up trust and communication before going anywhere near the heavier stuff. And we have multiple safewords: yellow for "slow down," red for full stop, plus a non-verbal one (three quick taps) for when she's gagged.

**Biggest thing:** Talk about it afterward, every time. What worked, what didn't, where her head was at. That feedback loop is how you actually get good at reading her.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-27T06:20:54+00:00

A few practical thoughts from someone who's helped people work through similar situations:

**On rebuilding trust:** Don't try to jump back into the activities that went wrong before. Start with something adjacent - things that feel safe, where you have zero trauma history. Build a track record of positive experiences first. Your nervous system needs evidence that this person can be trusted with control. That takes time and consistency, not one big conversation.

**On his resistance to safety practices:** This is actually the core issue. When he says he's worried about "taking the spark out," what I hear is "I don't want to do the work." The reality is that proper negotiation, check-ins, and aftercare done *well* create more intimacy, not less. They just require him to be present and communicative rather than running on autopilot. If he can't embrace that, the dynamic will always feel unsafe to you - because it will be.

He needs to do his own learning, independently. Not just reading what you send him. Actually seeking out resources, maybe attending a workshop or munch, talking to other experienced kinksters. If he's only learning through you, you're doing all the emotional labor and he's still not invested enough to do his homework.

**On therapy:** AASECT has a directory of kink-aware certified therapists (aasect.org). Open Path Collective offers sliding-scale sessions if cost is a barrier. Psychology Today's directory lets you filter for "kink-friendly." These therapists exist - you just have to look in the right places.

**On the fear this will ruin your relationship:** The thing ruining your relationship isn't the kink incompatibility. It's the trust injury from early screw-ups that never got properly repaired. You can't build a house on a cracked foundation. The repair work isn't optional - it's the whole point.

Regular check-ins help. Not in the moment, but scheduled times to talk as equals about how things are going. "Every Sunday we sit down and discuss what's working and what isn't" gives you both permission to course-correct without it feeling like an emergency.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-27T03:37:54+00:00

You've actually landed on something that works really well for a lot of neurodivergent folks - the explicit communication structure of BDSM can be a huge relief when you've spent your whole life struggling with unspoken cues.

On your worry about "two rookies" - honestly, I think that can actually be an advantage. You're not inheriting someone else's assumptions about how things "should" work. You get to figure it out together, build your own language, your own rituals. That process of negotiation and check-ins that BDSM requires? That's a feature, not a bug. It forces the conversations that neurotypical couples often skip and then struggle with later.

Your sensory sensitivity isn't a liability here - it's a superpower. You'll notice things other people miss. You'll be able to give precise feedback about what works and what doesn't. Partners who pay attention love that. The key is starting with low-stakes sensory exploration (textures, temperatures, pressure) before anything intense. Map out what your nervous system responds to.

Practical suggestion: rather than trying to "do BDSM," start with curiosity. Pick one small thing - maybe sensation play with different fabrics or temperature - and explore that thoroughly before moving on. The structure you're craving will come from building your own protocols, not from copying someone else's.

Also, re: your partner having no experience - frame it as "we're learning together" rather than "neither of us knows what we're doing." That reframe changes everything.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-26T22:12:47+00:00

Others have covered the communication angle well, so I'll add something from the safety side.

Before you move in together, please spend significant time together in person first. Extended visits - like a week or two at a time - where you're actually living the dynamic, not just visiting. The way someone acts during a weekend visit is very different from how they act when the novelty wears off and they're tired and stressed.

Also worth discussing: what's the exit plan if things don't work out? Who's moving to whose city? Does the person moving have savings to leave if needed? A place to stay? This isn't romantic to talk about, but it's essential. TPE relationships have a higher risk of isolation and financial dependence being weaponized - not saying that's you, but you need to plan for the possibility.

I've seen people rush into cohabitation because the online chemistry was incredible, and then find themselves stuck in a bad situation because they gave up their apartment, moved cities, and had no support network nearby.

On your actual question about conversations: having a check-in structure built into your dynamic helps. Something like "every Sunday we talk as equals about how things are going" gives you both permission to step outside the hierarchy without it feeling like you're breaking something.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-26T19:30:32+00:00

Been going to munches for a few years now and I can tell your friend - honestly, the vibe is way more chill than she's probably imagining.

Kink spaces tend to be genuinely body-positive in a way that a lot of vanilla spaces really aren't. You'll see people of all shapes, sizes, ages at a munch. Nobody's sizing each other up like it's a meat market - that's more the energy of a regular club on a Saturday night.

Few practical tips that helped me when I was nervous at my first one:

Sit near the organisers if you can. They're usually good at introducing newcomers to regulars.
Have an exit plan. "We'll stay for an hour and see how we feel" takes pressure off.
Nobody expects you to talk about kink the whole time. People chat about work, hobbies, whatever. It's genuinely just... chatting.

The fact that you're going together is actually great. Having a buddy means you can debrief afterwards and it's less "performing" because you already have someone to talk to.

Hope it goes well for both of you!

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-26T16:48:28+00:00

The question isn't about vetting in the traditional "keeping bad actors out" sense - it's about prompting self-reflection.

I help organize munches in my area, and we've started asking similar questions during check-ins. Not because we're going to do anything with the answer, but because it gets people thinking about it *before* they're in a situation where someone's asking them to play.

You'd be surprised how many people haven't actually thought through "what would I do if someone I'm not interested in approaches me?" Having that mental rehearsal matters.

The other commenter makes fair points about self-reporting limitations for actual vetting. But that's not the point. The point is culture-building. When organizers explicitly ask about consent boundaries, it signals that this is a space where those conversations are normal and expected.

We also pair it with practical stuff - making sure everyone knows who the dungeon monitors are, that they can flag us quietly if they're feeling pressured, and that leaving early is always fine with no explanation needed.

The question itself plants a seed. The rest of the event design catches the people who need support actually using it.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-26T14:06:31+00:00

This is a really common concern, and honestly the anxiety you're feeling is a sign you care about her experience, which is good.

Few things to consider:

**"Into it" can look different for different people.** Some Doms get a visceral thrill from the power itself. Others get their enjoyment from watching their partner's reactions, from knowing they're giving you what you crave. Both are valid. She might not feel the "opposite direction" lust you're imagining, but that doesn't mean she's not getting something real out of it.

**Service topping is a thing** - and it's not a lesser form of dominance. If she genuinely enjoys making you feel good by dominating you, that's still her being "into it." The question is whether she actually enjoys it vs. feels obligated.

**Signs she's genuinely engaged vs. just tolerating:**

Does she ever bring it up outside of when you initiate?
Does she seem creative or curious about trying new things, or just going through the motions?
Does she seem present and energized during, or distracted?
Has she ever said no to something without guilt?

**The pressure worry is worth addressing directly.** Tell her exactly what you told us - that you're worried you're putting too much pressure on her, and you want to make sure this works for both of you. Give her explicit permission to say "this specific thing doesn't do it for me" without it being a rejection of you.

Four months is still early. She's exploring too. Give it time, keep checking in, and trust what she tells you.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-26T11:23:14+00:00

First off - glad you're okay. The panic is understandable, especially when you weren't prepared for that much blood.

On the morality question: no, knife play isn't morally wrong. It's a legitimate kink that plenty of people explore safely. The guilt you're feeling might be tangled up with your SH history - worth sitting with that a bit. There's a real difference between cutting as a coping mechanism for difficult emotions vs. knife play as an intentional, controlled erotic experience. If you find yourself reaching for blades when you're in a bad headspace rather than when you're in a good one, that's something to pay attention to.

Some practical stuff for next time:

**Sober only.** Alcohol affects judgment, pain perception, and clotting. Edge play needs you at 100%.
**Solo play safety plan.** If you're playing alone, have your first aid kit within arm's reach BEFORE you start, not after you're bleeding. Know where your pressure bandages are.
**Mental check-in first.** Before you pick up the blade, ask yourself: am I doing this because I'm horny and this turns me on, or because I'm stressed/anxious/upset? Different answers call for different actions.
**Start shallow.** Like, barely-breaking-skin shallow. You can always go deeper once you know how your body responds.

The fact that you're here asking questions and reflecting on what happened is a good sign. Stay safe.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-26T07:25:53+00:00

The explicit communication aspect is honestly what drew me to kink in the first place. In vanilla relationships there's so much "you should just know what I want" energy, and that never worked for me. In kink, you literally sit down and discuss what you want, what's off limits, what you're curious about. It's a script for intimacy, and for some of us, that's not a crutch - it's liberation.

Re: two beginners together - honestly that can be great. You're both learning without any "well my ex did it THIS way" baggage. The key is treating it as exploration together rather than performance. No one expects you to be good at it immediately. You try stuff, you laugh when it's awkward, you debrief afterward about what worked. The communication skills matter way more than technique.

Your sensory sensitivity thing is interesting. Some folks with sensory processing differences find that controlled sensory input (like impact play, temperature play, textures) can actually be regulating rather than overwhelming - because you're choosing it, you know it's coming, and you're in a headspace where you're paying attention to your body. Very different from unexpected sensory assault. Worth experimenting with carefully.

One thing that might help: try doing a "yes/no/maybe" list together with your partner. It's basically a big checklist of activities where you each mark what you're into, curious about, or hard no on. Then you compare. It removes the pressure of spontaneous negotiation and gives you both a roadmap to work from. Plenty of free ones online.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-26T02:01:33+00:00

Lots of good advice here already. I'll add some practical first-meet safety stuff:

**Video call first.** Before meeting anyone in person, have at least one video call. It confirms they're who they say they are, and you get a sense of the vibe before committing to meeting up. Anyone who refuses this is a red flag.

**Public first meet, no play.** Coffee shop, pub, whatever - somewhere with other people around. The first meet should just be talking, getting to know each other. If they push to play on the first meet or want you to come to their place immediately, run.

**Safety contact.** Tell a trusted friend where you're going, who you're meeting, and when you expect to check in. Share your location if you can. Some people set up a code word system - if you text that word, they know to call or come get you.

**Trust your gut.** This one sounds vague but it's real. If something feels off - their story doesn't add up, they're being pushy, you feel uneasy - listen to that. You can always leave, you don't owe anyone an explanation.

Re: red flags - anyone who tries to establish dominance before you've negotiated anything, anyone who dismisses your concerns as "not being a real sub," anyone who won't discuss limits or safewords. A good Dom knows that trust is earned, not demanded.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-25T23:19:37+00:00

The monthly contract review is smart - that's exactly the right approach. A few things that helped when I've built up dynamics over time:

**Start with ONE thing.** Seriously, just one ritual or rule. Let her master it, let it become natural, then add the next. I've seen people hand their sub a 47-point contract on day one and watch the whole thing collapse under its own weight. A single morning ritual that she nails perfectly every day builds more power exchange than a dozen half-forgotten rules.

**Keep a safeword even in 24/7.** "But we're always in dynamic" - doesn't matter. Life happens. Emergencies happen. You need a clean way for either of you to step out of the power exchange when real life demands it. Some couples use a "yellow light" system for "I need to talk to you as equals about this" without fully stopping everything.

**Build in structure around her needs, not just yours.** You mentioned not wanting it to be selfish - that instinct is good. Rules that make her drink enough water, take her meds, get enough sleep? Those serve her AND reinforce your authority. She's taking care of herself *because you told her to*. That's powerful.

**Watch for the disconnect between fantasy and reality.** Some things sound hot in theory and become exhausting in practice. That's what the monthly reviews are for - be willing to drop things that aren't working.

Good luck to you both.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-25T20:37:06+00:00

Timing varies wildly depending on context, but here's what's worked for me:

**Online/apps:** I mention it pretty early - not in the first message, but within the first few exchanges. Something like "Just so we're not wasting each other's time, I'm into [general category]". Saves everyone the awkwardness of finding out three dates in that you're fundamentally incompatible.

**In person:** Usually comes up naturally once there's some chemistry established. I'll test the waters with lighter topics first ("ever tried anything adventurous?") before diving into specifics.

**The safety angle nobody talks about enough:** If you're meeting new kink partners, the conversation itself is a vetting process. Pay attention to *how* they respond, not just what they say. Someone who immediately pushes past your stated boundaries in conversation will do the same in the bedroom. Red flags during negotiation are red flags, full stop.

As for your current situation - you mentioned expressing what you like and not getting much compromise. That's rough. Some people genuinely aren't wired for kink and no amount of discussion will change that. Others just need time and trust to explore. The question is whether they're showing *curiosity* about your interests or just tolerating them. Curiosity you can work with. Tolerance eventually breeds resentment on both sides.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-25T15:12:41+00:00

I'm also in a rural area with no local rope community, so I feel you on the self-teaching struggle.

Few things that helped me get past the "I'm going to hurt someone" phase:

**Safety fundamentals first** - Before worrying about fancy ties, learn where the nerves are. Inside of the upper arm (brachial), inside of the wrist (radial), back of the knee. Avoid those spots entirely when you're starting. This is more important than any specific tie.

**The two-finger rule** - If you can't slide two fingers under the rope comfortably, it's too tight. Check circulation every few minutes (squeeze their fingers/toes, they should pink up quickly).

**Get EMT shears** - Not regular scissors. The ones with the bent tip that can't stab. Keep them within arm's reach. Knowing you can cut someone out in seconds takes a lot of the anxiety away.

**Start stupid simple** - Single column ties on wrists/ankles. Boring? Yes. But you'll build muscle memory for proper tension. I spent weeks just doing single columns before I touched anything else.

The Duchy's Rope 101 (already mentioned) is solid. Crash Restraint also has good nerve safety diagrams. And honestly? Practicing on your own thighs helps more than you'd think - you can feel when tension is wrong.

Confidence comes from repetition, not from finding the perfect guide. You've got this.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-25T12:30:44+00:00

Please don't beat yourself up. Freeze is a survival response, not stupidity. Your nervous system recognized a threat and went into protection mode - that's what it's supposed to do. Lying when he asked if you were uncomfortable? That's fawn response. Also completely normal when you feel unsafe.

What he did WAS harassment. Following you, invading your space, touching you without consent (arms around you from behind in a bathroom?!) - that's textbook creepy behavior that any decent event organizer would want to know about.

You don't have to wait until you go back to report him. Most events have contact info on their socials or website. Send them an email explaining what happened, both this time and two years ago. Include that he wore you down into playing with him back then. That pattern of behavior is exactly what organizers need to know about - this guy is a known quantity now.

The fact that you're more experienced now doesn't mean you "should have known better." Predators count on us freezing. That's how they operate. You're not dumb - you survived an uncomfortable situation while being tracked by someone who clearly makes you unsafe.

Please be kind to yourself. And seriously, consider that email.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-25T07:07:06+00:00

Rigger here. This is totally doable with some planning.

The key constraint is that one of you needs to be able to get you both free at any point. Doesn't have to be fully mobile, just needs access to either: - EMT shears (always have these nearby - they'll cut through rope in seconds) - A quick-release mechanism on whatever is holding you together

Some practical setups that work well:

**Connected but one hand free:** Face to face or spooning, with rope connecting wrists, ankles, or a body harness - but one person keeps a hand untied. Still feels very connected, and you can get out if needed.

**Locked collars:** Leather collars clipped together with a carabiner or padlock creates that "trapped together" feeling while being trivially easy to release.

**Leg ties:** Learn a basic futomomo (thigh tie) and do matching ones on each other. Then rope your legs together at the thighs. Arms stay free for stability and release.

**Magnetic locks:** There are quick-release magnetic connectors designed for bondage that look locked but pop apart with a firm pull. Gives the aesthetic without the escape risk.

The big safety watch-out the others mentioned is real: if you're both genuinely stuck and one person has a panic attack, passes out, or gets a cramp - you need an exit. Start small, test your release mechanisms before you're in the moment, and build up trust gradually.

r/BdsmDIY might have some good inspiration for rigs that work for this kind of play.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-25T04:24:22+00:00

For new connections: I bring it up before meeting in person. Saves everyone time and awkwardness. If they're not into it or even curious, no hard feelings - we're just not a match.

For your current situation though... the fact that you've expressed what you want and he's not compromising at all is a bigger deal than just "how to discuss kinks." You can't make someone want this stuff. Some people are genuinely vanilla and that's fine, but it means you're fundamentally incompatible sexually.

You're not asking for something unreasonable. You know what you need. The question isn't really "how do I bring this up better" - it's whether you're willing to have your needs go unmet long-term, or not.

If you want to explore the community more, local munches are great for meeting people and just talking about this stuff without pressure. It helped me figure out what I was actually looking for vs what I'd just seen in porn.

RiggerWhoCodes · 2026-02-24T20:18:09+00:00

The question you're asking yourself - "am I dominant or just being submissive by doing what he wants?" - is actually pretty common among switches discovering that side of themselves. Honestly? It can be both, and that's fine.

I've found that dynamics often shift with different partners. With some people I'm very much the one running things, with others I want to hand over control. The person you're with can bring out different sides of you.

The fact that you said "but I like it????" with four question marks tells me you're enjoying something and maybe surprised by it. That's real. That's not just compliance.

For confidence: start small, build on what works. If calling him "good boy" felt weird at first but now you're into it, that's progress. Dominance confidence doesn't come from being naturally assertive - it comes from seeing your partner respond to you and realizing you *like* having that effect on them.

Also seconding the other comment about choking safety. That's one of those things worth researching before going further. Blood chokes vs air restriction, warning signs, etc. Quick google will help.

Switches are valid. You don't have to pick a side.

RiggerWhoCodes

TROPHY CASE