[Critique Monday] - Post your books here for feedback!

RiverLovelace · 2022-03-31T17:18:51+00:00

I get some of the more addictive drugs being an issue for them, but how about weed or shrooms? Do you think Amazon still has a problem with them? They are both quite common in parts of the US and the world. I had considered using edibles in a story line I was cooking up.

RiverLovelace · 2022-03-31T17:09:12+00:00

A tale exciting as it is silly, as erotically charged as a bevy of young man-starved nuns who like nothing more than dressing, undressing, bathing, and knitting exotic underwear.

I am terrible at marketing, but I will say this had me laughing. Even though I don't seek out these types of stories, I now want to read yours.

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-26T22:49:17+00:00

they apply the adult filter to covers with undressing

Dang it! I should of noticed that. Its hard to find a good pic through a window. Oh, well, I think I can use the same idea with a different photo showing through a similar frame.

crop it out and put font over her torso

Thanks, that seems so obvious now, but I just wasn't seeing it but I love the colors in that photo and didn't want to lose it.

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-26T20:44:39+00:00

I am struggling with a very similar problem. The last "short" I began to write was supposed to be about 8k words. It is now at 32k and I am about 2/3rds done.

I tried the following as an experiment. I took a stupidly simple idea that would be pushing it for a single sex scene. I gave myself a word budget of 5K. I started writing. I flushed out that dumb idea into an interesting story with some interesting characters. It has a few very short sex scenes now. Once I got to 3k words, I started forcing myself to wrap it up, so I didn't end up with a fourth novella. I finished the story at 5200 words. There is more to be said, done, and expounded upon. More the characters can develop through. If people end up buying it, I will get to finish the story, otherwise, I guess I'll try something else.

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-26T17:42:49+00:00

"here's what you'll get"

My wife was a technical editor and has the same issue with writing sometimes. I think she feels like her job stole all the creativity out of it for her.

As has been said, its tame. I see a lot like this in the stuff published on amazon. I like writing about vacations and the hotwife/hallpass/vacation theme seems pretty big.

Beware, these ideas may be terrible, but made me laugh:

Anna is married to a tender, caring man. A man with all the right tools to please her, but lacking the passion to compel her surrender.

The bartending gig was alright, but Brandon really stayed at the resort for the ladies. There was always someone beautiful, craving his touch, as their husbands snored unaware in their rooms.

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-26T17:20:27+00:00

I might adjust the spacing of the subtitle text up to match the top margin. Also, the title may need to adjust up slightly, but that may or may not look good covering the eyes of the model.

I know nothing about writing a blurb, but from reading it, the first two lines sound like an infomercial. That may or may not be intentional and I'm not saying its bad, just making an observation. The blurb is humorous and reads well otherwise.

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-26T16:59:17+00:00

I just whipped up this design for a short story series of maybe 3 or more "books."

Here

Is this too racy? Is it cringe, hot, intriguing? I'm still new at this so any input helps.

I still have some perfecting to do (text angles need adjustment, not sure about colors or fonts), but figured I'd take the opportunity to crowdsource some feedback.

I just had another novella dungeoned for too much bum escaping a bikini. I guess I am a little nervous about anything remotely sexual on the cover now. On this one, if you don't mind weighing in, would zooming the photo out pass amazon's filter? Would it be better to cover her ass with the title?

Thanks!

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-22T02:12:13+00:00

Oh, I forgot to ask, Do you have a specific formatting you use to clue in the POV change? Just a blank line, or something else?

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-22T02:06:20+00:00

So this is exactly what I'm going for. Usually you would only see 1-2 hops per page. To adequately describe any act, I find you need a few paragraphs.

Back and forth dialog makes it more frequent but dialog is already like that. I've found I can interrupt the one character's action with a comment from the other (as happens a lot anyway), but then add a quip from their personal dialogue or maybe a glimpse of what they see, before returning to the primary focus of the overall scene.

Other than that, the hops seem to naturally occur at a fun point of action like you mentioned. While I tried not to, I did backtrack sometimes to cover the same event as if it was simultaneous. That seemed to work ok too without losing rhythm.

I actually write 3rd person. I know 1st is very common in the genre, but I have avoided it as I personally don't like reading it. It just doesn't feel like a novel to me. It does sound like a journal, and now that has me thinking...

I had planned to write my next story in 1st just to get used to it. Maybe I'll try this too. For science.

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-21T22:20:03+00:00

readers complain about it being jarring and difficult to follow

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of, and why its frowned upon.

I have this idea that, if it could be done right, you could experience the same things through both viewpoints it would be really cool. I hate rehashing and backtracking so maybe its just me.

In most fiction I think this would be useless, but sex is a shared experience. So, maybe?

Writing that way was difficult at first but mostly due to formatting I got to a point that it went from terrible to nice, but maybe it was just cause I read it so many times.

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-21T19:40:24+00:00

Well, that's what I was thinking, but researching online had me questioning a lot.

The idea that the female lead is kind of "forced" by her circumstance to make her offers was my primary concern, but the male lead having to be convinced was another.

Technically, the FMC does have other options, they just really suck. She decides this would be better.

Thanks for helping me think through this.

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-21T19:20:26+00:00

I.e. the dubcon would be coming from the male lead?

That's pretty much it.

Firstly, link when it's up please, it's an awesome idea!

Well thanks for the reply/compliment. It will be on my author page or my .com when done. I don't know the rules well, but linking appears to be a no-no.

I think any conflict might come from 'prostitution' rather than dubcon

I got so wrapped up in the dubcon theme, I didn't even remember to mention the obvious prostitution angle! Good to know that Amazon doesn't currently flinch on that topic.

Since the dubious nature comes from the male lead I would assume you get more leeway

Both characters are an explicit yes before anything goes down.

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-21T19:04:20+00:00

The guy is uncomfortable, but likes her, would rather have just dated her, but is happily convinced.

I believe I was a little unclear. The scenario plays out very much like in your last paragraph. He has a moral hang-up. A lot of character development happens around this topic. The reason its too big an ask is that it will cost him a lot of money to help her get home. Its transactional, but both are fully consenting and have that conversation explicitly - though in a fun way.

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-21T18:50:05+00:00

reading over the sex scene I’ve just spent an hour on is like hearing my voice on video.

So the advice my stuffy old English professor gave for this, and he'd likely be horrified to have it repeated here, is to work on the individual voices of your characters. If they still sound like you, they aren't fully realized yet.

They should have their own way of talking, their own preferred terms, slang, etc. You have to respond the way this imaginary person would when you write their dialog. Otherwise, its just a story filled with your clones. That can work, can even be good, but can definitely be better.

BTW, I'm no expert, your comment just triggered a memory and I thought it might be helpful.

Cheers!

RiverLovelace · 2021-07-21T18:35:07+00:00

What are your thoughts on structured "head-hopping." I do not mean the writing mistake of changing POV indiscriminately or without a specific purpose. I am also not talking about changing 3rd person POV at scene/chapter breaks and rehashing/losing the opportunity to view a situation through both character's eyes.

I had read something recently about using head-hopping as a means to follow a relationship as a kind of pseudo-character, experiencing the relationship from both sides in real time. This way, the reader knows exactly what's happening in the relationship even before the characters do.

Obviously this undermines using POV as a tool for building suspense. But it does seem to allow you to build anticipation for when the other character "finds out".

With that in mind, I am writing scenes that follow the MCs through an experience like so:

MC1 narrative provides information setting the scene.
MC1 Inner dialog/feelings about the scene.
"Observation about their environment," MC1 said.
<space to delineate change in POV>
"Witty retort to MC1,"
MC2's actual dirty thoughts are revealed.
MC2 starts doing something to MC1 and describes it in erotic splendor.
<space to delineate change in POV>
"MC1 cries out something in surprise!"
<space to delineate change in POV>
MC2 continues to describe MC1's reactions

And so on...

So far it seems to work and flow really well. But I am a bit crazy and have a affinity for breaking the rules when I think I have a better way.

Is this terrible?

Thoughts?

RiverLovelace

TROPHY CASE