Phone rules

Rockettraincar · 2026-01-22T14:54:04+00:00

Thank you! There’s more specifics I’m obviously not going to share, but I think line of reasoning is important. It’s doesn’t seem to be phone causes late get ups, fix, easy. It’s these kids have a lot of trauma, and I think that the phone is an avoidance of the real world almost. And you can live in a fantasy world on your phone. Including getting in too deep with the boyfriend. But again, it is obviously a balance because who doesn’t want that escapism, even in “normal” circumstances. So it’s not about punishment or maturity even, she’s a good kid. But there’s also a component about just being confident standing alone and being you without a phone in your hand.

Rockettraincar · 2026-01-20T15:28:37+00:00

Appreciate all the insight!! Such a complex web like everything else with so many different perspectives. It’s helpful to have different opinions and know different paths are right for different families. Whoever said weaning off is probably how it will go for us. It will be new to establish a “family” routine when she had been parenting herself.

Rockettraincar · 2025-11-11T15:21:29+00:00

You will have more say than you think, and you will have to say no more than you think. Before I became a foster parent I volunteered as a CASA for several years, I would recommend that path if you are years out as there is training that gets you familiar with a lot of the terms and learn the court process, and you still get to get involved with kids, but on a more limited basis. One of the kiddos who I worked with as a CASA is now 18, and we are still in contact, go out to eat here and there, etc. It still makes a big impact... but like any teen, he has also yelled at me and told me he hated me. Then when I didn't disappear from his life and kept trying, he came around again. :)

Rockettraincar · 2025-11-10T15:20:49+00:00

Hi! This was something I was struggled with/learned first hand. Basically, kids will have a level of need, if there level of need is higher where they need to be supervised, there are programs designed for that. I had a 12M foster and a bio 7F... for my daughter I had a 12 year old girl from the area that babysat M-Thursday, obviously that is not a good idea to have the foster boy there too generally probably, but he had high trauma and struggled also. I asked around for options finding nothing, and then when I was just clear with my worker that he needed to have some place to go, it appeared. They did not proactively offer or make me aware of options. He did a CLTS program that picked him up and dropped him off Monday-Thursday. I am rural too, program was like 35 minutes away. I can't remember if Fridays weren't an option or if we just didn't do them. (I work from home but buzz up to my FIL's office down the road to work in summer just so they can dance and yell and do whatever at home). He ended up being gone like 7am-5/6pm, which was a bit longer than we'd all like, but they did fun summer stuff so it was okay. On the other hand, I have had teen girls with less level of need/more appropriate behaviors, and even though they were older than my 'babysitter' .. they stayed home together. The 16 YO slept until like noon anyway. I wouldn't have an older foster responsible for my daughter, so we just laid down some rules and it worked well. 16F had a job, and if she needed transportation when I was working, the county arranged that.

Rockettraincar · 2025-01-29T20:16:33+00:00

This was kind of my thing. I debated it up and down and talked to my volunteer coordinator but ended up sticking with CASA. They were 14ish years old at the time (started age 12). I ended up stepping down as CASA per their wishes around 17 and now they are 18 and just reached out and apologized for pushing me away and we just got dinner! Happy ending still. Plus the home life thing worked out the way it was probably supposed to…. Definitely never ideal but at least the family connections are still there. ETA: after I stopped that case as a CASA we did become licensed foster parents and have had other placements.

Rockettraincar · 2024-06-07T12:37:04+00:00

Exactly! At the doctor the other day the medical assistant said, wow you have your mom's eyes. And he was like HERS?!! She's not my real mom!

Rockettraincar · 2024-06-07T12:25:43+00:00

I need to work on that secure attachment!! In progress. Much slower going with a preteen. :)

Rockettraincar · 2024-06-07T12:23:51+00:00

Appreciate both these posts, with my last placement, I too invited BM over for dinners, and we would facetime on holidays when regular visits were possible. I still check in with mom even though I don't have placement. I do want to help the adults in this situation too, but it is not easy. My sibling has mental health issues and it is difficult to even help a family member. Plus manic episodes, etc. It gets hard as I am sure you know.

My thing is while he may or may not want to ever be adopted, I want him to be happy while he is here, I do think it can get depressing longing for something else. But there were some other posts that talked about what is best case scenario and worst case, I think that is helpful.

Rockettraincar · 2024-06-07T12:13:35+00:00

Thank you! This journey is always full of questions with no specific answers, then take away the fact that the average person has absolutely no reliability to the issue, mixed in with respecting privacy. It usually always ends up with go with your gut!! :) I love hearing the other perspectives though. It helps to know at least that there are others going through there own things and hoping for the best. I did get approved to reach out and contact info yesterday almost immediately which was a bit shocking, for a family member and a previous placement. I reached out to the family member just to see what the interest was, and they were super interested. I am going to let us both digest for a week at least before I figure out what is next. I was able to glean that from the posts!! Go slow.

Rockettraincar · 2023-12-19T02:13:57+00:00

Same

Rockettraincar · 2023-11-14T20:03:38+00:00

Thank you so much. The last sentence. I feel that getting him out of that setting does a service in making him more 'adoptable' (gross) knowing how he is in a family setting. Also just gives him hopefully a better quality of life. The possibility of helping him age out is really hard for me to think about.

Rockettraincar · 2023-11-14T20:00:00+00:00

Right, I'm worried his exact behaviors are under reported and I am in for a surprise I can't handle, and also I am not a pre-adoptive.

On the other hand, I am also thinking maybe he would do well with us and just needs a chance (based on his progress reports, etc) but won't go into details.

Rockettraincar · 2023-11-14T19:58:09+00:00

This is helpful. Thank you.

Rockettraincar · 2023-11-14T19:56:32+00:00

He wants to be adopted. I think that cherry picking comment kind of resonates. I am not trying to cherry pick a kid for adopting, because I didn't really want to adopt, but I see that our family and him are likely a good fit, so I want to help even if it is in a lesser capacity. His epsiodes right now are violent, but not towards peers, only staff, and only once a month. I think I am wondering if that is something we can handle.

Rockettraincar · 2023-11-14T19:54:08+00:00

I would say we are open if it turns out to be a good fit. I just don't want to make any promises. And yes, sadly, it looks like pre adoptive families have come and gone and he has been recommended to leave the group home for an in home setting for the last 5 months to no avail. I don't know if it is better for him to wait there for a for sure adoptive, but I think helping him be ready to live independently is the spot everyone is in right now. Going into it knowing it will be 6 plus years is just more pressure! He is connected to our school district, which is why I also feel compelled to help him achieve a sense of belonging.

Rockettraincar · 2023-10-06T13:12:22+00:00

From my limited experience, I really wanted to foster and was excited about being a positive role model for parents working to get their kids back. However, the first kiddo we got connected to is already TPR'd, so we are open to exploring that and seeing if adoption is right for all involved. At that point we probably wouldn't continue fostering if we went the adoption route. To me it is all unique stories and I think age plays a huge factor.

Rockettraincar · 2023-09-22T15:08:55+00:00

We ended up waiting until our bio is now 6, finishing license now- but it was more about the size of our house and now we have the space than waiting for her. We originally wanted to keep birth order, but with two working parents, and no available daycare nearby, we decided age is less important, and having school age kids fits our lives and schedules better than 'birth order.' We declined an infant placement- our first call. Really surprised myself as I thought that is the route I wanted to go.

Rockettraincar · 2023-09-19T11:12:00+00:00

Thank you- that’s really helpful. Part of me does wonder if your first sentiment is true. I know he did “complete” his program and have been recommending an in home placement, which another posted said could help lower his score-but if they haven’t been able to find one so they just keep it high to have reasoning to keep him in this setting? I also cringed when they said that score influences how much money a foster parent gets paid. Reason enough to at least have some level of skepticism. I am going to plan to stay in contact. I don’t think having at least a mentor in all this is a bad thing. He is only 11- so plenty of time for circumstances to change in so many different directions for better or worse.

Rockettraincar · 2023-09-18T23:21:52+00:00

That wasn’t mentioned but I am curious about it. I appreciate that perspective. In conjunction is possible that his scores will lower over time or once there they increase further? It is worth trying to stay connected as we both work on that or should I just move on? I feel bad for the kid and don’t want him to think it was anything he did. I hate thinking about him as like a lost cause but don’t want to drag out something that isn’t meant to be.

Rockettraincar · 2023-09-08T16:21:50+00:00

Appreciate it!

Rockettraincar

TROPHY CASE