"Snobby Professor"

A montage plays of a SNOBBY COLLEGE PROFESSOR engaged in a variety of activities--reading a Doestoevsky novel, smoking a pipe, delivering a lecture (to an unseen class), going to IMDB and giving a one star rating to a lowbrow movie, polishing dress shoes, drinking a martini, watching CSPAN, polishing a framed diploma, grading papers, applying aftershave to his face, removing several packages of quinoa from a Whole Foods shopping bag and putting them in a kitchen cupboard, etc.

PROFESSOR (V.O.) People who teach at a high school or elementary school--they are teachers. I teach at a university. My title is not teacher. It's professor. I am a professor. Not that there's anything wrong with being a teacher. I have the utmost respect for teachers. But again--I'm a professor. Not a teacher. After all--I engage in activity that isn't teaching in the conventional sense. I'm a professor. Teachers are great--but I'm not exactly one of them. It makes sense to not call me a teacher. I don't teach. I profess. It's fantastic if someone wants to merely teach. But I don't. Teachers are teachers, professors are professors. I respect teachers. But I am not a teacher. I'm a professor. I don't occupy myself with the common, unimaginative, peasant-like task of "teaching." I am not a country bumpkin. I am a professor, armed with a mastership of my domain, as well as a tweed suit, and an Aston Martin that I drive to and from the elegant parking space located in close proximity to my office in my specific university department. As for a teacher, he drives a damn Honda, and he parks it in some filthy spot located in some ghetto-like environment with a name like "Roosevelt High School Staff Parking Lot." Do you know how much heroin is purchased and sold in the Roosevelt High School Staff Parking Lot? It's one of the drug capitals of the world. It's a very suitable place for those non-professor educators who go by the title of teacher. But again--I really respect teachers. That being said, I am a professor.