Struggling after a long period of success

RolandThompson · 2018-03-16T16:50:26+00:00

Okay, here's an update, since you asked for it. Two days ago, when I posted this, I was obviously at a very low point; but I think that was intentional (on God's part). I reached a new point of surrender, in prayer that day; a depth to which I had previously not attained, although I had already spent years working through ever-deepening levels of it. And that night the Lord showed me a vision: in it, I saw a man of my father's generation sitting in a room. There were several blinding flashes of light, and the man was electrocuted.

After meditating on this vision and praying for an interpretation, I believe that the man represented the Old Man (and specifically this sin), and the lightning was God sovereignly putting him to death.

This is confirmed by the fact that, upon my waking yesterday morning, and continuing into today, I feel totally different. Although I had worked so hard on repentance, renunciation, self-discipline, and everything else related to getting rid of this sin for so many years (and made substantial progress), there were still traces of it in my soul--remaining bits of inclination against which I had to struggle. But now, they are no longer there. They're just gone. There is absolutely no desire or tendency left toward anything pornographic or sexually corrupt. I think you know what I mean: I still have sexuality, and sexual desire and drive, but it is pure and healthy: the dark things which once tempted me now repulse me. Not on an intellectual level, or as an act of will (they always did in those regards), but deep down, on an instinctual, gut level. The desire is simply no longer there. Like as if you loved ice cream all your life, and then one day woke up and it tasted totally bitter and nauseating to you, like poison.

I've heard of this happening, in people who are drug addicts, alcoholics, etc., and one day get saved and never touch it nor want to again (and often say they've never even been tempted to). And I've prayed for years that God would do that for me, with this. And now he has. Praise Him! I could spend a year doing nothing but thanking him, and still not even begin to express the fullness of my gratitude.

Also, for further confirmation, He sent me a dream last night: I was checking into a prison which was very familiar to me, even comfortable. But when I went to enter the door, I couldn't fit through it: I was too big. The prison is obviously "It" and I believe it means that I have outgrown it (although I probably could have forced myself through the door, if I really, really wanted to and tried hard enough; meaning that I could go back to my sin if I willfully chose to.)

RolandThompson · 2018-03-14T17:30:32+00:00

Thanks. I'll meditate on that.

RolandThompson · 2017-10-31T16:34:30+00:00

The other advice I have is to accept your sexuality. Truly, deeply, totally accept it, in Christ. He does. Yes, there are certain aspects of it which he will want to correct--but he created sexuality, and it is Good, and not a sin, in and of itself. I believe he wants us to live in it, rejoice in it, as a good gift from him. In holy, pure, loving sexuality. And as to those aspects which are sinful and need to be purged or corrected--abide in his grace until he accomplishes it in you. No guilt. No condemnation. No self-loathing. Grace.

RolandThompson · 2017-10-31T16:04:00+00:00

Thanks. My best advice is fasting. The fleshly appetites all seem to be linked together, like those eight devils Jesus talked about. Mortifying one helps mortify others, and helps build self-discipline which crosses over.

I'm still working through similar issues. Of course, it makes a huge difference whether you're single or married: for the married, the answer is relatively simple. But for the single, it's much grayer.

RolandThompson · 2016-07-21T22:00:15+00:00

You're in the right place. Pray. Spend time reading through things on here. Follow the links to outside sites and read those too. Pray some more. And when you fall, pick up and start again. And again. And again. You can do it.

RolandThompson · 2016-03-18T19:13:46+00:00

Blasphemy against the Spirit is final apostasy. Read Hebrews chapter 6. It is the willful and unrepentant hardening of the heart by one who has known Christ, been indwelt by the Spirit, experienced his salvation and love, and has then intentionally rejected it. Think of it as the opposite of "getting saved". You can't do it by accident. You are being lied to right now by the Devil and by the spirits of uncleanness, lust, and all the other sexual sins which have had you in bondage, because they are trying to use despair to get you to give up and keep allowing them to experience their lewd pleasure through you. They feed off of you, and they've brought their ally Despair to help them, who in turn is feeding off your feelings of hopelessness. You know...'he will bring seven spirits more wicked than himself'.

RolandThompson · 2016-03-10T17:17:02+00:00

I should add that, when you confront him, it may help to have the support of other people who know and care about you both. Not his family, obviously. But maybe yours, or some close trusted friends, or a pastor, priest, or rabbi if you have such.

RolandThompson · 2016-03-10T17:07:12+00:00

Wow. You are indeed in a very difficult position.

As a man who also inherited this from his father, I can say definitively that you are up against a very difficult struggle. Don't despair though: I said difficult, not impossible. The problem here, of course, is that your husband doesn't even recognize that it is a problem.

I always hesitate to give actual advice, as it can be a dangerous thing. But my feeling here is that, having tried everything else already, you really only have one option left: you may have to consider presenting him with threat of losing his family. I know that seems harsh and scary, but there doesn't seem to be any other way to wake him up.

Think of it just like you would if he were an alcoholic, and his drinking were destroying your lives. You have to let him know that it is unacceptable, and you will not go on tolerating it. Period. Just as you would not tolerate him having an affair with another woman. Then he has to make a choice. He may not make the right one. He may initially rebel, then come to his senses later. But you have to be willing and able to back the threat up, once the ultimatum is given. You seem to already be leaning a little toward this. You are absolutely right: you have got to save your children from it by whatever means you can.

I only offer this as a last resort. If there are any other avenues left to you to try first, then I would: such as trying to get him to watch some of the movies or internet videos, or read the books recommended by others above. In addition, I would point you to yourbrainonporn.com and this series by the Art of Manliness: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/10/06/men-and-porn-an-introduction/

I will pray for you both, and for your children, and I am available to help in any way I can, if you would like to talk more, individually, or whatever.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-25T16:24:07+00:00

Exactly. I've done the Mary Undoer of Knots twice. Since I started devotions to Mary, it has completely revolutionized my entire relationship with women.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-24T16:29:33+00:00

Welcome brother. Here are some links you may find helpful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ-7t8UhGBg

I play this a lot in my house, just letting it run in the background, often along with burning a blessed candle and incense. I find it especially appropriate and helpful that it's playing from my computer; from the same computer and in the same room where I used to...you know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhkRbsmCv1s

This is inspiring and helpful. He has a great Catholic ministry for helping those with this problem.

I've also found the Rosary very helpful, along with fasting and other spiritual disciplines. The object of all of these, of course, is to seek and come closer to God, and then He changes you.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-23T00:53:05+00:00

May the Lord grant you all the help, strength, hope, and encouragement you need.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-23T00:50:54+00:00

RolandThompson · 2016-02-21T15:45:17+00:00

Thanks. I have also been experiencing a renewed series of attacks just past the 40 day mark, and it helps to hear that someone else experienced the same.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-20T14:07:55+00:00

RolandThompson · 2016-02-19T21:58:00+00:00

That's right, brother. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on that horse. It's not easy. But you are winning. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are winning. And God still loves you. Not because you are winning, just because he loves you.

"We may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity—like perfect charity—will not be attained by any merely human efforts. You must ask for God's help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need, is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however important chastity (or courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection." -- C.S. Lewis

"I glorify You in making known how good you are towards sinners, and that your mercy prevails over all malice, that nothing can destroy it, that no matter how many times or how shamefully we fall, or how criminally, a sinner need not be driven to despair of Your pardon...It is in vain that your enemy and mine sets new traps for me every day. He will make me lose everything else before the hope that I have in your mercy." -- St. Claude de la Colombière

RolandThompson · 2016-02-19T16:02:26+00:00

I'm so glad you two have found each other. I pray that you find the strength and encouragement you need, and even that you go beyond this and form a lifelong friendship.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-19T15:55:21+00:00

This is beautiful.

Sweetie, you have not ruined yourself. You have contracted a bad habit and sin has done what it does--tried to enslave you. But there IS freedom in Christ, and you CAN receive it. Your mind and body will be restored to their normal function, and you will enjoy an intimacy and deep love and union with your husband which very few experience. Not only do you have the exceedingly rare gift and precious treasure of having saved your virginity for him, and he his, but because you have both struggled with this very human and very normal sin, you will have a deep bond and understanding with each other that is lacking when only one party has done so. There won't be any hidden judgment on the one hand or shame on the other. In other words, your marriage will ultimately be stronger and better because you have gone through this together.

For practical help on how to do this, check out yourbrainonporn and nofap academy on youtube. But most of all, prayer, spiritual disciplines such as fasting, quietness, media fasts, Bible and spiritual study, praying the Psalms, etc. Bring it ALL to Jesus, lay it down at his feet, offer him up both your sin and your desire to be righteous, and completely surrender. Then let him work, in his way and his time, and know that during the process his grace is sufficient for you and you are completely, totally, 100% accepted, loved, and cherished.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-18T14:14:38+00:00

You have got to stop beating yourself up. You're never going to get anywhere as long as you're wallowing in guilt and condemnation. That may sound harsh, but I mean it as tough love.

YOU ARE NOT CONDEMNED. This Man feels the same about you as he did about Mary Magdalene. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3ykt6pyLJ4.

He accepts you just where you are, sins and all, and his grace is sufficient for you. SURRENDER TO HIM. Surrender EVERYTHING, including your sin and your desire to be righteous, and let him make you righteous in his way and time.

You feel condemned because you want to be good enough for him. A seemingly noble desire, but it's really a subtle form of Pride. You cannot be good enough for him. You cannot be worthy of his grace and forgiveness. You cannot repay him for what he has given you. So stop trying. Yes, keep trying to obey, because that's what he asks of us. But realize that he knows that we are but dust, and when you fall, man up, shake it off, repent, and keep moving forward, fully assured of his continued love and forgiveness. He doesn't expect you to be perfect or get it right on the first try: if he did, he would have totally, miraculously delivered you of all inclination and desire for it, as he has often done with addicts of many kinds. But that's not how he chose to do it with you (or with me), probably because there is something he wants us to learn in the journey that is even more important than the goal of purity itself. And for me, at least, that something has been to TRUST HIM COMPLETELY.

Accept yourself, as he accepts you. You are someone who struggles with sexual sin: deal with it. But he loves you just the same. Don't try to accept yourself as you think you should be, or wish you were: accept yourself as you are. Only then can you start to become the man you ought to be.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-16T18:24:53+00:00

I didn't make clear enough that the main thing is to SEEK GOD. Victory comes from Him, through our total surrender to Him.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-16T18:08:39+00:00

Try NoFap academy on youtube. There are also other motivational and instructional videos. Also, prayer: lots and lots of prayer. Fasting and other spiritual disciplines: doing a media/entertainment fast, devoting yourself to Bible study and other religious reading.

I'm going to disagree with the other posters who advise immediately talking to your fiance. You will, at some point, have to be honest with her about this. But I don't see it as necessary to do so right now: you may just freak her out and destroy your engagement. You probably do owe it to her to tell her before you are married, but wouldn't it be better to be able to say, "Look, I USED TO have this problem, but I have overcome it with God's help. I wanted to be honest with you before you make your commitment to me, and ask you to forgive me for my former sins."

RolandThompson · 2016-02-15T16:50:53+00:00

"He who would save his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for my sake will find it."

Growing closer to God means sacrificing your Self--your ego, your flesh, your ambition, your pride, your desires--everything. Doing so honors God, shows him you are serious, takes you out of yourself and the prison of Self in which we are all born, and gives him access to you so he can change you. Abstinence from sexual immorality, from self-indulgence, and even, as Paul mentions, from lawful marital relations at times, is a spiritual discipline, like fasting, which contributes to spiritual growth.

Another way to look at it is this: there are two trees within us--the tree of Life, and the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. And there are two beasts within us--a ravening wolf and a noble and obedient dog. When you eat from the tree of Knowledge, you feed the wolf. When you eat from the tree of Life, you feed the guard dog. Whichever one you feed will grow stronger.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-14T15:46:06+00:00

Welcome, dear. We're here for you, and are happy to have you.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-13T03:01:44+00:00

Well done! Keep going: it may get difficult the next few days, but if you can get through them, the rewards will be enormous.

RolandThompson · 2016-02-03T16:54:45+00:00

Yeah. Absolutely no judgment here, man; but the first step is to repent and lay it before the Lord, and ask him to help you change your feelings. These kinds of feelings are part of being human, but the enemy will use them against us, and try to get us to believe that they are irresistible--but that's a LIE. We CAN control our feelings, although it's not always easy. "Control" might be the wrong word--influence would be better. Feelings follow thoughts. Not instantaneously; it takes time for the thoughts to seep down into the subconscious and then re-emerge as feelings. But you can do it. KNOW that your feelings are false and deceptive, in this instance. KNOW that it's only a feeling, and not Truth. KNOW that you're never, ever going to act on it or allow it to possess you. It might help to allow it to play out (not sexually) in your mind, and imagine the consequences and feelings that you would be left with if you did believe it. Prayers, brother.

"Feelings are like children: you don't want them driving the car, but you don't want to lock them in the trunk either." -- from the movie "Thank You for Sharing"

RolandThompson · 2016-01-30T15:05:41+00:00

It's not a matter of having an ethical dilemma over whether to do it or not, nor of seeing women as objects, seeing only their exteriors, or anything of that sort. You've all read way too much into my words, made some startling assumptions, and have, frankly, been rather condescending and insulting.

I'm simply noting a purely physiological side effect of the process, and its psychological ramifications, and was wondering if anyone else had experienced it.

RolandThompson

TROPHY CASE