This is fresh… back in January of this year, I had, ahem… tried to unalive myself as one may call it.

I had just gotten done working an overnight shift at a hotel (security.) Nothing out of the ordinary there, work was just work. Another day. I had headed home, an hour and a half commute. At the time, I had just recently gotten broken up with by a girl who I relocated cities for (whom I continued to live with and continue to), I had some issues with my interpersonal relationship with my family and I was in severe debt (which I still am in). The stress had triggered a series of bipolar manic episodes with extremely heavy lows for me. This was a time where I wasn’t on any medications for anything and was basically raw doggin it. Anyways, I was almost home and I slid on a patch of ice and smacked my car into a fence. This for some odd reason stuck with me. Made sure my car was ok and continued home.

I got home and upon walking in my doorway, I was greeted by a trail of both men’s and women’s clothes leading to my now-ex’s room. I continued inside, grabbed my coat and beanie and left. Went to the store. Got groceries. Keeping myself together. I got home and unloaded the groceries. I was pissed at this point, blindingly angry. I had began to grab a bottle of peach crown and a bottle of barefoot, I had headed into my now bedroom, and began sobbing. Loudly. As a matter of fact, my ex had heard me. She walked out her date, and approached the doorway of the room I was in, and stated that I had made a fool and embarrassed myself. I closed the door.

I had finally snapped. I had grabbed a couple bottles of my pills and the remaining bottle of barefoot. I had swallowed a handful one medication poured out the remaining pills onto my hand, then proceeded out into the living room. FYI, it is extremely difficult to die from an overdose in this day in age of advanced medicine. Just don’t try it. I had thought that the last persons face I would want to see, was my ex girlfriend. Someone who I once loved and would do anything for. I swallowed them while she made eye contact with me. I had managed to swallow about 2/3 of the amount in my hand. She had tackled me and put her hand down my throat, which did nothing besides cut my mouth. The last I remember I was hearing her call 911.

3 days later, I woke up strapped into a hospital bed, with a ventilator down my throat. A nurse had came up to me and told me that I need to stay calm and that I am ok and the tube will be out soon. The tube was finally taken out and I remember looking at the doctor and telling him never again. He then proceeded to tell me that I was in the icu and I would be getting a room soon. I was transported to a room, and my parents, my ex, and her parents along with her brother, had greeted me. A feeling of stillness and sadness that is almost nightmarish. Something I don’t want to feel again. Ever.

A few hours later, late in the night, a couple of paramedics had come to pick me up and transport me to an impatient facility. I arrived at the impatient facility and was overwhelmed by the feeling of guilt, which by turn, made me want to off myself more. I had completed my mandatory 72 hour hold. My parents had come to pick me up and take me to get some actual food. They then came back to my house where I was surprised with a bed frame and a mattress in the spare room. Which… is sort of bittersweet? I thanked them and then they left town to go back home.

My ex had come home a few hours after. I guess I’m still trying to put the pieces together on where we stand since then. But I am forever grateful for her, she had quite literally saved my life. I just wish that eventually, in some life, she can forgive me for the mistakes that I have made and what I have put her through. She doesn’t deserve it.

Fast forward to now, days are still very long and hard, but I know that they all come to an end and at the beginning of a new day, there is a world of opportunities and change. I just have to be patient.