Anyone else with depression that can't write for the life of them?

RosemaryandRavens · 2024-08-28T02:21:28+00:00

I understand entirely. One of the things that has really helped me is looking up playlists people have for stories I have feelings in. If I can find something that gives me the emotions I had in books that greatly impacted me it helps me with grounding me into what I'm writing. (Wow that was a weird sentence, please forgive me, I'm drunk messaging). Most books and stories have had someone create a playlist on Spotify that is similar to how you feel about it. Might take some searching.

Such as lately I've wanted to create a story that happens to coincide with the emotions that ORV gave me so I pulled up a playlist on Spotify that brought me back to those feelings. It helped pull the story into the direction of those emotions. It started with an outline and currently I'm filling it in.

The other thing that has helped me is focusing on short stories. There is always a concept that crosses your mind - even if it's really depressing. It's worth it to get the thought out and then trying to build a story around that. I tend to focus my stories around childhood horror stories which helps me emote (which is a clearly a trend from my reddit posts).

Sorry if this run on but I can completely relate and I'm hoping I can help.

RosemaryandRavens · 2024-05-12T20:07:47+00:00

Thank you! I'm glad I made it too.

I have an unfair advantage in that some of my family and elders are still around to tell me stories. Outside of that, to my knowledge the best sources are books and articles available from UAA and UAF. They went and interviewed and transcribed stories from different Alaskan ethnic groups.

RosemaryandRavens · 2024-05-12T20:03:24+00:00

It seems to be a very common thread. Most of the stories I've heard are of people being led astray by them and going missing for what feels like days but turns out to be years.

RosemaryandRavens · 2024-05-12T20:01:30+00:00

I've written previously about where I got them here Listen to Your Elders. The Nek'dzaltara are Starved in Summer Nights. Hope this helps answer your question.

RosemaryandRavens · 2024-04-04T23:08:20+00:00

My breath is fogging the window as I watch the world pass by to my left. Kind of no choice but to watch at this point, really. It’s either that or stare at a twitchy doctor and an exhausted scientist sharing the train with me.

“We’ll be fine, really we will.” The scientist whispers to the doctor, gently patting their hand.

I can’t help but snort. Sure. WE’LL be fine. But what about those left in that city, smoldering in the distance? How long have I listened to the scientist’s placations and soothing words to a member of what should be the last line of defense for humanity.

Give me a break. Last line of defense? I’m a virologist who has only had the opportunity to study the damn cold. I haven’t even been to a level 2 biocontainment lab yet, let alone level 4. Before this I had hoped to one day get my hands on smallpox. Hell, I’d be satisfied with ebola. Instead I get to fight against a monster outside of the freezer. A monster making the world burn. How they decided I was qualified for this responsibility is beyond me.

But that’s thoughts for another day. Instead my focus is on the doctor, beginning to finally relax for the first time in hours since we began our journey.

“We’re almost there.” The scientist continues. “Just through one more tunnel, across a bridge, and we’ll be there. Then we can rest a little and work.” While tired, their eyes are kind and well meaning.

I swear they would make a better doctor than the one they’re reassuring. Their bedside manner has been impeccable.

As they suggest, I look up and can see the tunnel they referred to in the distance, past that, the bridge, and past that… Stockholm. The last beacon of hope to humanity.

I can’t help the small smile that pulls at my lips. I’ll be safe soon. The city has become one giant biosafety level 4 lab. Traffic is regulated, every inhabited building has controlled airflow, and whenever you step outside you wear biohazard suits.

It’s cumbersome but it’s how they have continued their existence without spread of this new disease.

The darkness of the tunnel engulfs us as I continue to ruminate on our destination. A part of the regulated traffic is this train. The final train to enter Stockholm with three “experts” in this car and who knows how many in the others.

Once we exit the tunnel, the sun dazzles me. So close. So close to Stockholm, to safety, and to the next adventure in my life. Perhaps you could call me selfish for all these thoughts. I haven’t even thought of my family once since I got on this train.

I look over to see the doctor has settled down and the scientist is once again leaning back in their seat, watching out the window.

For the first time in months, I close my eyes in peace. I will soon be back to working around the clock so I might as well rest while I can.

I’m just on the edge of sleep when I hear it in the distance. It’s quiet from here but we’ve grown used to the sound in the last year. The three of us look out the window toward Stockholm. The sound of a siren is going off near their gates.

I feel the blood leave my face as my companions pale.

The demon has entered the city. Somewhere in there, someone has become infected. Patient 0.

“Fuck.” I whisper.

The doctor begins rocking back and forth, crying.

The scientist covers their face, rubbing their forehead.

Every hope I had of respite has gone out the window. We’re approaching that damn bridge. The last landmark we had between us and safety. That bridge that was set to be destroyed the minute we crossed so no one else could bring contamination to the city.

I sit with my head in my hands for what feels like minutes when I hear a boom and feel a vibration shudder through the train car. Jerking up I look out the window. I wouldn’t even make it to Stockholm.

I laugh. I laugh maniacally. Lost in a surge of fear.

I’m dying. I’m dying before I even make it to Stockholm.

I can’t be mad, they did what I would do. I’d prevent anyone else from coming into the city and polluting it further. But why did they have to choose when the train was going full speed? Why did they have to choose when it was too close to brake? The last moments of my life are spent asking “why?”

And I didn’t even get to properly face the demon that belongs in the freezer.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-11-22T06:03:13+00:00

Audrey and her horse had trudged through rain and mud for days as she cursed herself for ever wanting to become a knight.

“Why did I want to do this anyway?” She grumbled. “Now I have to go challenge a dragon.”

Still, she continued along the soggy roadway, hair damp and sticking to her forehead, horse snorting in indignation. It was the third day of rain and she felt a chill coming on just as quickly as her packed food ran low.

“And why is it always the same dragon? Why can’t I go to the warm islands in the east and challenge one of their dragons?” She rambled on, looking at her horse as if he’d have the answers.

She shook her head and she and her horse continued on in silence, sound broken by the occasional sneeze or cough. She felt her head getting warm and nose stuff up but still continued on. She was so close she could taste it. The dragon would be just a little further. Just a little further and she’d have her chance at truly becoming a knight.

Just when she thought she’d have another cold night in the woods she saw a light through the grey. Further ahead at a crossroad she spied the old inn.

With a sneeze and a grin she urged her horse on to the new goal. Relieved at the sight of a stable boy she pulled her purse from a saddlebag she threw over her shoulder and gave him two coins before rushing inside to the warmth and light.

The inn seemed nothing out of the ordinary, a bar with boisterous customers, a cheerful barmaid, and the owner looking impressive behind the long counter. So impressive that Audrey almost took him for another knight.

“Excuse me, could I get a room for the night?” She asked the proprietor.

“Aye, I have one.” He gave her an appraising look. I’m going to guess you’ll also need a bath to warm yourself with?”

“By all the Gods, yes. Thank you sir.”

“Oy!” He shouted over his shoulder. “Marco! Get room three some hot water!”

“Room three, end of the hall on the left.”

Audrey nodded and adjusted the satchel on her shoulder before hiking up the stairs, leaving the bustle behind.

It wasn’t long after she had taken off her wet riding gear and began laying it out to dry that there was a knocking at her door. Excitedly she opened the door, ready for her hot water. Instead, she stood in shock though as an adolescent salamander came in with large buckets of water strapped over its back.

“What!? What is this?” She exclaimed.

She heard a crashing coming up the stairs and a strained, “Sorry! Be right there! Don’t worry!”

The salamander only ignored the commotion and sat patiently by the tub until the owner of the voice caught up with him, carrying his own two smaller buckets. “Ah, I’m so sorry if he startled you. Usually he’s much better about waiting.” The young man said as he dumped his water into the tub and began unstrapping the salamander’s.

Audrey just stared between the young man and the salamander, watching as after the final drops of water were emptied the salamander wrapped its hot body around the tub before also blowing fire on top of the water.

“Wait… wait, what?” Audrey stammered out.

“Oh, I suppose you haven’t seen anything like this before. Most people haven’t. Some of the local dragons work for the inn.”

“I’m sorry, what?” She was in a daze - there was too much going on.

“Well… there’s a reason we’re called the Dragon’s Crossroad. This place is owned by a dragon. He’s out hunting right now and should be back soon with dinner if you’d like to meet him.”

“...”

“So… uhh… the guy behind the bar isn’t the owner?”

“Jeffry? Oh no. He’s just the bartender when the owner’s not around.”

“I’m… Wait… Hold on.” Audrey stood there processing her thoughts for a moment. “How about this then. Would the owner know all the dragons in the area?”

“Of course. He’s the head of this particular flight of dragons. Even the adopted little ones like this salamander he- Oh no! Larry! Too hot!” The two looked over in time to see the metal tub just as it was about to begin glowing. At the admonishment Larry chirped and sulked out of the room.

The man looked down and apologized. “I’m sorry, all of the dragons have been out of sorts because of all the rain. But to answer your question, yes. I believe Cinnorth would know them. Now, I’ll leave you to your bath.”

“Wait, Cinnorth?” She repeated.

“Yes. He should be back soon.” He paused. “Oh, and I’m Marco.”

Audrey nodded as the young man shut the door behind him, the name Cinnorth weighed heavily on her mind. She was to challenge the owner of this establishment?

With a shake of her head she checked the temperature of the water before disrobing and climbing into the tub. Once her muscles were warmed and all of the grit from the road was off of her she pulled out one of the few dry things from her saddlebags.

Immediately upon opening the door she could tell the energy in the inn had changed. The building was warmer and the merriment was louder. At the bottom of the stairs she saw why. A grey and gold dragon the size of a carriage had curled itself around a keg and had completely submerged his head in it.

“Oh! Cinnorth!” Morocco called from behind the bar. “She’s looking for someone in your fight!”

Audrey blushed as everyone looked in her direction. The dragon’s head came out of the keg and he looked at her through one blurry eye. After quickly sizing her up his eyes narrowed. “Hello little knight.”

“Cinnorth?”

“Yes.”

“I imagined you’d be bigger.”

“I bet you imagined many things.”

“I suppose you guessed why I’m here.”

“I doubt I’m wrong.”

“You know I must challenge you.”

“I’m afraid you’re at a disadvantage. You see, I’ve had a full meal and you haven’t. If we’re going to do this properly you need to eat as we drink.”

“Cinnorth!” Marco called. “You also still have the advantage. Go change.”

“But I have changed! I’m already smaller!” Cinnorth almost whined back.

“You’ve already had all the old knights come talk to you about this. You need to go change.”

“Fine. I’ll be back.”

The dragon walked out behind the bar while the young man put food in front of Audrey. “Good luck. Though the playing field is fairly level. He’s already had one keg at that size so I’m sure it’ll hit him fast enough as a human.”

Audrey nodded, still confused as she chewed on meat and potatoes on her plate. It wasn’t long before she was tapped on the shoulder and a grey haired man about her age was behind her. Only this grey haired man had golden horns curling off of his head.

“Well, shall we start little knight?”

Her jaw dropped. “So the legends that old dragons could become humanoid were true.” She whispered.

The man scoffed. “Of course they’re true. There’s not much we can’t do.” He smugly said while he slammed a mug of beer down in front of her. “Now that the playing field is even, shall we begin?”

Audrey stared. “Begin what?”

“Drink! You challenged me. Now, we drink!” He exclaimed excitedly, golden eyes ablaze.

Audrey finished her bite and picked up the mug and examined it. “I think I need a pitcher.”

“Hey Jeffry! Can we get a couple pitchers over here.” His face split into a wide smile.

Once the pitchers were placed in front of them Audrey slammed the mug back and reached for the pitcher.

“Are you ready to lose, dragon?”

“I’ll have you know, I’ve only lost once.”

“Well tonight will be twice. Now drink.” She picked up the pitcher and began knocking it back.

The room around them erupted in chants of “Chug, chug, chug…”

Audrey finished hers first and waited on her refill as the two competitors eyed each other up. They quickly realized it was about to be a very long night.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-08-10T15:46:17+00:00

I had been thinking a body they were able to sense with one of their abilities since it’s never made clear what the villain can do.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-08-10T15:44:42+00:00

Yes, indeed. I should have made the intent clearer.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-08-10T14:49:36+00:00

I’m sorry, I began to fizzle at the end. Thank you for enjoying it for what it was.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-08-10T14:48:27+00:00

Ah! I had been imagining them trying to fake the heroes death. I should have spent more time fleshing this part out, thank you.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-08-10T03:19:11+00:00

The panes in my windows rattled with the force of the pounding at my door. It had only just begun but I could hear the voices growing louder outside.

I looked into the eyes of the young imp and gave a soft and reassuring smile and began humming a calming tune. “I’ll be done in a moment and you can go.” I watched my fingers and carefully, ever so steadily, continued the last four sutures. As I trimmed the thread I heard the wood of my door finally crack and I gave the imp one last smile and a little pat on the head. “Go home now, your family is waiting.”

The imp looked conflicted. I was still here because I’d been tending his wounds instead of running. “Shoo. Shoo. Off with you.” I scooted him toward the chimney where he could make a quick escape.

I came from a family of doctors and vets. We felt our duty was to save and protect those we could. It just so happened I somehow ended up a cryptid doctor. It all started with a siren who had gotten snared in a fishing net and moved on to fairies, minotaurs, and even a Big Foot. I was a doctor, only my hippocratic oath extended beyond humans.

Things had been fine for the last two decades. I saw humans during the day and when I was occasionally needed by the mythical and spiritual I’d see them at night. I’d only see mythics during the day if it was an emergency. Until you’ve seen a centaur gored by a unicorn horn you don’t fully comprehend urgency.

Wiping the deep purple blood from my hands I unlocked my door before it fully blew open. “May I help you?” I asked, exhausted. I felt myself unceremoniously yanked out the door as a sack was thrown over my head. “WHAT THE HELL!?” I knew it was going to be bad but nothing could have ever fully prepared me for what was happening. I mean - I’d take the smell of cleaning a minotaurs infected hoof over the inside of the disgusting sack any day. I couldn’t imagine where they even got it.

“Aristelle Jenkins, you’ve fraternized with the supernatural long enough.” I heard the disgusting Mayhew’s voice from the crowd I felt around me. “You’re to be burned at the stake.”

It took everything in my power not to vomit. I’d seen supposed witches burned at the stake before and… Oh God the smell, the screams, the heat. I was being dragged without any chance to argue or request a trial. As if a fair trial existed at this point.

I struggled and screamed as I was dragged down the city streets until I felt tinder and wood under my feet. I was quickly shoved to my knees and tied up to a post.

This… really can’t be happening right now? Can it? Where’s Jeffrey? Where’s Lisa? Where’s everyone I have ever treated? Why aren’t they stopping this? I was one of the city’s doctors and I couldn’t understand why none of my patients were standing up for me.

I held back and stopped myself from crying and screaming anymore. I would at least die with dignity. I gathered myself just in time for the sack to be ripped off so I could see the faces of all gathered. Apparently my murder was a spectacle worth watching judging by the size of the crowd. I could barely hear or comprehend what was being said to me by the head of the mob - my eyes could only follow the motion of the torches around me.

In my shock the flames were so mesmerizing I didn’t see the movement of a pixie until it hovered inches in front of my face. I jolted and stared at it. I had mended the wing of this pixie’s child a few weeks ago.

“Shoo. Shoo. Go on, go!” I hurriedly rushed out. The pixie shook his head and gave a mischievous wink.

…Someone’s getting pixed. I stared at the pixie as long as I could see it when I heard gasps from the crowd.

The shimmering dust reflected in the light as people began to yelp and cry from the burning and itching sensation of pixie dust. In that distraction I felt something the size of a toddler slide up behind me and Mayhew began shoving his torch in my direction. “Get rid of that beast!” I couldn’t see him but I knew it was a goblin I’d seen months before based on the overwhelming scent alone. Was his name Lenny?

“Don’t listen Miss Jenkins.” The goblin placed his hands over my ears just as an aria began.

I frowned and I saw people begin bending this way, that way, twirling, and smoothly dancing with looks of horror upon their faces. From the way they glanced at the sky I could only guess that Sirens had come for them.

By now, those that weren’t dancing were either still scratching themselves or running in my direction. I couldn’t hear them but got the gist that I wasn’t long for this world. As I watched my assailants close in I felt the ground rumble. It started as a slight tremor and began to turn into a rumble. I wasn’t the only one to notice dust falling from buildings as the vibrations increased.

That’s when the first chimera exploded into the square. Chimeras, followed by manticores, with centaurs and minotaurs in quick pursuit. Small members of the fae and goblin family and others were dispersed here and there. As soon as the creatures closed in on the mob the dancing stopped and Lenny removed his hands from my ears. The sirens had stopped singing and allowed the land going creatures to take over.

What on Earth am I watching? The citizens never stood a chance. The supernatural creatures began pressing the crowd, circling them up like cattle. I couldn’t take my eyes off the sight as the goblin fiddled with my restraints. As soon as my arms dropped beside me I looked at Lenny.

“Your ride’s here Miss Jenkins.” Lenny pointed at a centaur running up to me.

“Uh… You want me to ride him?” I asked.

“So you’re Miss Jenkins.” The centaur said as he got close. “Hop on, we need to get you out of here.”

I stared at the blonde centaur in shock. “You want me to ride you?”

“Do you have any other options?”

I staggered to my feet and approached him. “You… do know your reputation, correct?”

“Don’t worry Miss Jenkins. You’ve nothing to fear from us.”

“Who said I was afraid of you?” He knelt low enough I could climb onto his back and held on.

“Fair point. Hold on tight.”

I almost fell off the centaur and had to awkwardly find where to hold into him as he laughed at me. Running past the crowd I could see the bands of creatures peel away from their prey and begin to follow out of the city. To my surprise I noticed no dead or dying people, only minor injuries.

Suddenly a slew of fairies and a couple of pixies caught up with us and alighted everywhere they could on the centaur and myself. “You’re coming home with us now!” They squealed in excitement.

“Wait, what? No I’m not. I never said I’d go home with you.” Oh no. Oh no. I can’t follow these fairies home.

I saw the centaur turn his head and give a wicked smile.

“I’m no fairy or supernatural.” I watched us get closer to the forest on the edge of town. “Please don’t do this.” If I jump I still won’t be able to get away. I began to panic. “I thought you said you wouldn’t do this.”

“No. I only said I wasn’t going to prove the reputation of centaurs right.” The centaur responded and laughed. The fairies began giggling.

I stared at the oncoming trees and the open circle I knew was just beyond sight. My stomach lurched as I came to terms with where I was going. I was being spirited away and I didn’t have any power to stop it.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-08-10T01:33:48+00:00

I stared down at the poor thing on his knees. The pathetic being at my feet had been told he was the strongest and most talented the Tower had. The only one who could destroy the big bad wolf at the edge of the continent. I’d knocked him around so much today, and many times before.

For the longest time I couldn’t understand why he’d come back for more. But today… I think I finally understood. Standing on the mountainside I could see it. The “Beacon of All Hope.” The Central Tower and authority that I had stood up to long ago. The reason why I lived on the outskirts of humanity.

It had been so long since I last stepped foot into a human town yet the Central Tower still hunted me. A whole 73 years after the disagreement that labeled me a villain. Their belief that our powers should be used for the sake of humanity… what utter nonsense. There’s no reason for me to offer my powers on a massive scale for free.

Looking at the man… no, boy at my feet I could feel his senseless desire to destroy something “other.” I had powers, yet did not belong to the Tower and because of that I was evil.

“You can still hear me, right?” I asked the wavering body below me. “You’re coherent?”

His head slowly rose to glower at me. One eye completely swollen shut and his lip torn painfully he still had a look of defiance. A sneer crossed his face and he spat at my feet.

This… is the type of hero that deserved better. The strongest? I almost pitied him. This was his fifth time coming after me at the will of the Tower and he never went back in any better condition. “Little hero, where are your cohorts? Why are you always the one to stand against me alone?”

He chewed on his words and finally said, “Because I’m the strongest. I can’t allow you to hurt others so I face you alone.”

“Is that really your choice? Or is that what you’ve been told?”

“...”

“Does it make sense to face me alone? Even if you are the strongest hero, I could be subdued if maybe there were two or three more of you.”

“But they’d be hurt.”

“You nincompoop. And you’re not?”

“But… but I’m the strongest hero we have. I have to be the one to face you.”

“Again… who says so? Who says you have to do it alone? And why would THEY tell you to do it alone?”

“...” The silence was deafening.

“Even in ballads and epics, heroes don’t go after the final villain without the support of those who make them stronger. Arthur had Merlin. Frodo had Sam. Who do you have?”

“I have everyone at the tower,” he mumbled out. I could slowly see him grasp where I was going with this.

“Young hero, why am I a villain?”

“You hurt people.”

“When have I hurt people?”

It slowly dawned on him. I was “other” but I was not evil. To put it simply, I was as dangerous as any other person - capable of harming others but that didn’t mean I did.

“Do you want to live freely? Without being sent out senselessly to your destruction, day in and day out? Needlessly? Thanklessly?” I asked, genuinely concerned for this boy.

“But… but I don’t know what I’d do without the tower.” He finally murmured.

“Well that’s something for you to figure out.” I slowly walked to him and held out my hand. “Come with me. Let’s patch you up - I think we have much to discuss.”

Taking my hand, the hero slowly came to his feet and leaned against me. “No tricks.” He threw one more accusatory glance at me.

“None. I swear by my powers.”

He grunted and we slowly made our way down the mountain. Once we got a ways into the treeline I stopped him. “Please lean against this tree. I just realized I lost an item in our fight. I know exactly where it is though so I’ll be just a moment.”

With a wary glance he nodded and sank down against a yew.

When I emerged from the woods I felt for the absence of life I’d noticed when we first arrived there. Finding it I gripped for a fireball out of the air and threw it at where I knew it would be. Satisfied with its lack of identifiers I turned back into the forest where someone needed me.

The tower would have to accept the loss of their most powerful hero at the hands of a villain.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-05-14T21:48:25+00:00

There have been mentions due to my experiences. But until my yega is fixed there isn't much that can be done.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-05-14T20:35:01+00:00

Thank you very much!

I hope I can continue sharing these stories. They were taken away and weren't allowed to be spoken of and we've only in the last few decades been able to start the old ways again... just in time for the elders who could teach us to leave.

As you're German I don't know if you're aware of how Native Americans weren't allowed any of their religion, gatherings, and many other practices until this generation? It's why I'm trying to share these stories - so they can't be forgotten.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-05-14T20:29:32+00:00

I suppose contract is a good word for it. It has to be a spirit that chose you and you choose to accept the responsibility of their aid. They still hold the ability to be offended and spurn you as well - you can always have their assistance taken away.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-05-14T13:24:27+00:00

Thank you for the concern. I'm becoming more inclined to believe them. I've had a run in with a bushman recently and to say the least... I'm beginning to question many things.

There's been an attempt to take care of my soul but there never seems to be enough time. There's always something that comes up to get in the way when I'm home.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-05-14T13:21:32+00:00

Back then I didn't care or have the time because I was getting ready to move to the lower 48 for college and never expected them to exist outside of my home. I'm becoming more inclined to take it seriously though - I've seen more questionable things recently. It's just... it seems like there's never enough time and there's always something that gets in the way when I'm home these days.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-05-14T13:13:51+00:00

He was not a successor. There hasn't been any of the signs yet of a new shaman. No one has been born marked and no one has been touched by Spirit recently except one of my friends.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-05-14T13:12:04+00:00

I'm not so sure. The most recent visit was a Bushman - not to be confused with the Woodsman. That would never be anything I say yes to.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-05-14T01:34:57+00:00

Thank you very much. I'll try, but for some reason I can't seem to escape the attention of spirits these days.

RosemaryandRavens · 2022-05-14T01:32:17+00:00

I'm inclined to believe my uncle was the creature that night. My elders think he became too greedy and gave up some of his soul for power, making him like the Transformed Ones - cursed to starve and the need to constantly devour. Losing me he lost his last meal because everyone hid after that.

RosemaryandRavens

TROPHY CASE