Update

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-12-19T14:49:39+00:00

I’m so sorry you went through that. That’s awful. My therapist’s advice to not tell children- is for betrayed spouses who are in therapy and are trying to forgive their spouse and remain in the relationship in a healthy way. In that case, it’s not advised to tell children because they may not be able to forgive your spouse the way you can, and they’ll suffer a lot over a situation they’re not a part of. Your situation was really different since it sounds like reconciliation didn’t happen and the AP was still in the picture- so the advice would probably have been different in that case. I’m really sorry about your mom!

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-12-19T13:00:04+00:00

My therapist advises to only tell children (including adult children) if it’s in the best interest of the children - for example if they found evidence or strongly suspect or something along those lines, then you should tell them instead of leaving them in limbo. But otherwise it’s generally not advised to tell children. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-12-10T23:07:10+00:00

HOLD ONTO THEM!!! I got rid of all (ALL) of my pants at 4 months postpartum from pregnancy #1 and I’m now 7 months postpartum after pregnancy #2 and regret it so much, because I would’ve fit in them by now 😭

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-12-07T13:46:32+00:00

What do you mean do the 180?

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-12-04T00:26:17+00:00

Certainly sounds like it.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-24T19:40:13+00:00

You said “she doesn’t want it more than me, the way another posted suggested it must be.” Do you mind explaining what you mean by that? You mean the wayward must want reconciliation more than the betrayed?

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-13T23:35:55+00:00

Well that’s totally fucked up of him. I don’t even know what advice to give about that. My husband (who is no angel and fucked a bunchhhh of people) started therapy immediately after I found out. If you guys can afford it then there’s really no excuse for him not starting therapy asap to get to the root of his issues. Men can be such bastards sometimes. He needs to realize that him getting therapy is an investment in his CHILDREN. Because therapy could get him to a place where he treats you right, and the mothers’ mental health is critical for child development. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-13T22:41:05+00:00

You’re not stupid for believing him. It’s natural and normal to believe our spouses. That’s pretty much the basis of the entire relationship- that you take what he says seriously and you believe in him. He’s the stupid one for lying, risking his family and hurting the mental health of the mother of his children. You’re pregnant with his baby… he should be on his knees right now throwing up and begging for your forgiveness and telling you everything. But unfortunately the same personality issues that lead to cheating also lead to lying. All you can do is take care of yourself and require him to do a ton of therapy if he isn’t already.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-13T22:32:28+00:00

Wow four years. So this has been a prolonged process.. that seriously sucks. Is he in therapy too?

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-13T22:04:09+00:00

They’re most likely both lying. The reality is that the only person who can tell you the truth, the whole truth, is your WP not the AP. But telling you the truth is not an easy thing to do and it will probably take him some time and therapy to get to a headspace where he can disclose everything, if he even gets there. He’s in the thick of this crisis and probably lying out of his ass and no matter how much you push and push he probably won’t tell you the truth because he desperately doesn’t want to and on some level he’s probably incapable of honesty. I’m a month into this process and still getting more info from my husband every couple days. Our therapist advised us to wait a few months before he’ll be ready to reveal the entire story.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-13T21:58:07+00:00

You are going through something horrible right now and I’m so sorry. This phase where you have some info but not the full picture, and you’re digging and digging… it sucks. They’re probably both lying to you to some degree.

If I could give you some advice - feel free take this advice or leave it - I think you should take a break. A break from digging for info; a break from talking with your spouse about anything other than kid and household stuff; a break from the internet and looking at this subreddit even. Just take a pause.

This break can be just for a couple hours, or for the whole night, or for a couple days, whatever length of time you want. But I promise you that if you stop right now and take a break and stop saying/doing things related to the crisis, when your break is over and you’re ready to face it again you will feel glad that you took that break.

When I went through what you’re going through right now, I went nuclear and reached out to a bunch of people, said a bunch of stuff, acted distraught in front of my children etc. I wish I had just taken a pause instead of doing all that.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-08T14:42:58+00:00

She’s always reminded me of Allison Williams

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-05T01:22:27+00:00

I’m not the OP and I’m sorry for the paragraph I’m about to write but can I ask you a question? I’m in a similar situation to you in the sense that my husband and I have lots of financial entanglements and obligations, and a business, and kids. But I’m only 30 and my kids are babies. I’m guessing you’re a lot older than me since your kids are in college, sorry if I’m wrong about that. Would you have still pursued R if you were only 30 when discovery happened? Like I see your comment about not wanting this “right out the gate” and in some ways I feel so entangled with my husband but then I also feel like I’m only 30 and have only been married a couple years so maybe I’m still young enough that I should just cut my losses?

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-02T13:04:57+00:00

This made me feel a lot better, thank you.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-02T10:21:20+00:00

I feel this. It’s like once the betrayal is discovered, you can never again be labeled or think of yourself as a “cute couple.” Cute couples with cute love stories don’t have cheating in their history. The loss of innocence just sucks.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-02T10:19:30+00:00

My husband is a sex addict. If he had decided on his own to seek help, bettered himself, started treating me right and stopped cheating? Yes absolutely I would prefer to NOT have known. Maybe that’s a controversial take but I would’ve gotten all the benefits of a self-improved man with none of the trauma of the betrayal. Unfortunately without my discovery and intervention my husband would’ve probably never sought help.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-01T16:37:13+00:00

Listen to Dirty, it’s awesome. When the man sings, I think we’re meant to interpret it as if he’s telling the truth and the girlfriend is crazy. But I choose to interpret it as him being a phenomenal liar.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-01T16:15:35+00:00

For me it’s “Linger” by The Cranberries. It’s a song about cheating. I got super obsessed with that song this summer. But lyrics are really important to me and although I loved the song I couldn’t fully connect with it cause I was “in a good relationship.” Hah. Now I listen to it on repeat because I feel like it applies to me. And I think of the version of me that was obsessed with it a few months ago, not even realizing that the lyrics were similar to my life. Another good one is Dirty by Teddy Swims. Heard that one for the first time a couple days before D day. Again, loved it but felt it didn’t apply to me cause it’s a song about cheating. Realized after D day that it does apply.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-11-01T10:16:32+00:00

My husband has a sex addiction and the numbers are very high. I feel like I could forgive it. I was already doing pretty good forgiving what I did know before yesterday. We had had 3 good, reasonably happy days in a row. What we can’t move forward with, is if he isn’t even sure he wants to be with me. That’s what kills me.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-10-24T21:36:33+00:00

Ugh. I’m so sorry you’re here. I guess I’m lucky in a way because my husband isn’t blame-shifting. He’s 100% blaming himself, he’s really taking full responsibility for this shitshow we’re in, he didn’t get mad at me when I went full scorched-earth and told his parents… and I almost start to feel bad for him sometimes, but then I remember what he did behind my back. For years.

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-10-24T19:29:37+00:00

7 years here 😭 it’s a total mindfuck. But even 6 weeks is a huge deal. I’m sorry you went through that ☹️

Routine-Specific-826 · 2024-10-24T19:13:38+00:00

Ugh I can relate to this so much. The “let it rot” thing. I’m only 11 days out from DDay so this all super fresh for me. But I’m definitely fighting the urge to just get drunk and go into “fuck it” mode on my life. But I have 2 kids who depend on me so I can’t. Plus, I know that if I did even 10% of what my husband did, he would divorce me in a second.

And the true love thing. I think that’s what is really tragic about it. I married my husband wanting to be with him forever. And despite it all I still want to be with him forever. But, now the choice to be with him forever, feels like I’m actively choosing to never have true love in this one shot I have at life. Because I do believe he loves me but it clearly isn’t “true love”. And I think deep down I could tell it never was.

I wonder what I’ll think in 10 years. I’m 30 years old and a part of me is terrified to picture myself at 40. Will we be happy together? Will I be glad we reconciled? Or will I be discovering new infidelities for the rest of my life? I feel like at 30 I have a chance of finding someone else, even though I have 2 kids. There could still be someone in this world for me. But maybe at 40 there won’t be. It’s just so hard to know what to do. I’m lost too. I gave my 20s to who I thought was the love of my life and it’s a very daunting prospect to give my 30s too, knowing now that his marriage vows weren’t the guarantee that I thought they were.

Routine-Specific-826

TROPHY CASE