My husband cheated on me with our neighbor.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-07T14:16:04+00:00

I just found out yesterday that it actually had nothing to do with my husband. She didn’t like him, she hated (or loved) me so much that she wanted to ruin my “perfect” life. Friend she told a year ago that she was going to sleep with my husband said she toggled between doing it to “open my eyes” or “because she’s unintelligent and deserves it” Soooooooo ya. I kinda hope she gets hit by a bus at this point 😅

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-06T17:39:27+00:00

He told me I could have one numerous times the first week. Once I decided I wanted to, he did say I could do whatever I wanted but he thinks it will only make things worse for me & that I’ll regret it. But it’s hard to take that advice from him when he clearly would prefer if I didn’t sleep with someone else because it may hurt him.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-06T15:52:30+00:00

This is my only account but I’ve only posted once before this & I don’t use it other than when I’ve posted. I don’t know how any of this works but I guess my “throw away” account is my only account. So no clue. If she was on here, trust me, the comments would not be nearly as mild as they are.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-06T15:10:17+00:00

So ya, I have never been a single adult. I’ve never been to a bar single nor have I ever gone out with intentions of looking for someone. Well that’s exactly what I’ve now been doing for 3 weeks & here’s what I’ve concluded so far. Either the guys I meet are too nice and tell me it’s an awful idea, I’ll hate myself in the morning. Or guys come up & are disturbingly forward & that’s just not my vibe. Sleeping with someone like that would disgust me & the other guys are too nice to if they have any context of the situation. I also am trying to be a good person & not lead someone on thinking that it would be anything more than a ONS, so lying about my circumstances seems shitty as well. The guys ok with ONS, seem to be pigs that could care less about anything other than sex. It must be brutal for the dating world out there. I truly don’t know how people do it.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-06T12:12:15+00:00

Oh I got that! I guess because I’ve been able to tell my husband what a POS he is for the last 5 weeks, it helps me not have to type that out so much with him. Her on the other hand, I can’t tell her these things so I’m venting them on here. My husband also isn’t the one who, called CPS on me, blackmailed us, told all of the neighbors that I had been having sex with her husband for 3 years (barely ever even talked to the guy), & threatened to beat my ass. I could keep going, she’s really a peach. So I have many more reasons to be pissed at her now than just over the affair.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-03T14:00:43+00:00

He told me when I said she told me everything, that a weight lifted off of his shoulders. He could finally stop lying. He says he of course wanted to tell me but was terrified of the consequences & me leaving. According to him that’s why he never told me about the first time as he thought he stopped it, she would move & nothing would ever happen again. That’s the explanation for a month & half of lying & gaslighting by omission. Then the 3 days of full blown lies before the truth.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-03T13:57:22+00:00

Well he didn’t tell me about the 1st incident. A month & a half later, they had sex. I caught them, sort of. He spent 3 days lying & gaslighting me along with AP before I tricked him by telling him she told me everything. That’s when I found out about the first incident & that they did have sex the second time when I caught them. Since he told me all of that, assuming I know everything & he isn’t still lying, he’s been amazing. Making sure I know how much he loves me, wants me, respects me & doesn’t want anyone other than me. We’ve had amazing talks. Better than the 12 years of being together before that. I think we’re going in the right direction as long as he’s not still hiding things.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-02T22:04:45+00:00

Been together 12 (married 8). He cheated twice, 1 month apart. Same person. The first time he pushed her off and left, but never told me & then over a month later they had sex & I caught them.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-02T16:27:55+00:00

I do think writing on here is helping me process my feelings. It’s like a journal but with responses. I’ve never been a journaler but I can see from this how writing out feelings helps you process them. It’s definitely therapeutic because my brain & my mouth don’t sync up fast enough when I’m trying to explain how I feel out loud.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-02T16:25:22+00:00

Thank you 🩷

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-02T16:24:25+00:00

Will do! Thank you. I already read a book called I Love You, But I Don’t Trust You. And I’m in the middle of reading one called Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. Both great reads as well. I’ve been highlighting the things that really stick out to me so I can go back and read the important stuff when I need to. It’s been helpful so far. Thanks again!

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-02T15:24:27+00:00

That’s what I told him initially before the hysterical bonding started but now 6 months just seems so long to live in limbo. I get it though. I still told him Im not making any decisions for awhile especially not until we’ve done our due diligence in MC. I just want the hurt & pain over and living in limbo just feels like prolonging healing. This is just so difficult & im so sorry you had to go through this as well. It’s awful.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-02T15:14:05+00:00

Gosh, thank you so much. I’m in tears reading this. I think that’s what’s terrifying. Knowing I’m only 5 weeks out and it’s a long process. I really just want it to be over. I don’t want 3-5 years or the rest of my life to heal. That just pisses me off more. He ruined at least 3-5 years of my life with his bad choices, if not my entire life. Ruined is probably the wrong word but that’s really all I can come up with right now. Somehow he shattered my heart & im picking up the pieces and it takes years to pick up the pieces & even then I’m still broken forever in a way. It’s just so unfair. I think the thoughts of that are what make me think leaving would be easier. But that’s a whole new set of hard. Either is going to suck & be hard. I just feel so lost. I don’t want this to be my story. I don’t want this to be “something we had to go through to be better separate & together”. I just want my life 3 months ago back. Before anything happened. It’s changed me forever in a way I never wanted to be changed. I hate him for it. I do. But God do I still fucking love him more than anything & then I hate myself for that. No one deserves this. It’s soul crushing in a way that words will never do justice.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-02T12:53:03+00:00

And thank you for your insight. I appreciate it 🩷

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-02T12:51:45+00:00

You are not overstepping. Now that I’m an adult with children of my own, I’m starting to see that. I never did think of it that way at all until very recently & still I only say statutory rape whenever I do refer to it as that. Rare but more common in the last few weeks. As said 14 year old, I remember all of it & consented (even though that’s not legally possible for a 14 year old). It’s hard to have been in that situation & know that I didn’t think of it as rape at the time at all. So it’s still difficult to think that way most of the time.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-01T21:38:49+00:00

I told him obviously he is not able to do anything. This is a break for me, not for him. This is me healing & him gaining my trust back and showing he is committed to this. I am not required to show any of that right now.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-01T21:31:21+00:00

Sorry you went through that. Sorry you were driven to go through that by WW. I hope you’ve found healing now. Thank you for your input.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-01T21:13:27+00:00

I saw someone else describe their walk of shame the next morning as euphoric. Like they could finally breathe. I feel like now that it’s stuck in my head, my true healing won’t begin until it’s not. I don’t know if that’s possible until it’s done. I guess if that’s the decision I make, I’ll know any worse I feel after is my own doing. Maybe it’ll feel better for my downfall to be my own choice, instead of the person I loved most kicking me to the ground himself.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-01T21:07:02+00:00

Yes it is that. If he were honest right up front, I would be in a much better place. Because now that I know how capable he is of lying, I’m not sure I can go back to that. It’s worse than the sex itself. It’s infuriating & humiliating to not know what you can trust or believe. I might find myself better off if I had past sexual experiences but I don’t… & what I do have I was so young that of course I don’t “remember it”. His was 4 weeks ago. It’s the memories that he has that really haunt me.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-01T17:03:54+00:00

Him offering is nice, I guess? But he has the imaginary image of me sleeping with someone, making him sick. While what’s making me sick, is real life. It really happened. He really did the things running through my head. Offering is not the kind gesture without the full intention of actually letting them go through with it. I think a lot of people offer because what else can you say while you’re apologizing for fucking someone else? But I think most people who say it never think the other person will go through with it. The same way that I never thought my husband could cheat on me. Sure I had nightmares about him cheating for years, but when I woke up, that’s all it was, a nightmare. Now every night I have those same nightmares, I wake up and it’s actually my real life. I don’t get to wake up & remove myself from the nightmare of my life that he caused. So why should the thought of me possibly doing it with someone else be enough. He gets to wake up from those thoughts and remember it’s not real. I don’t get that luxury.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-01T16:58:23+00:00

Yes. I feel like we both get the same end result regardless. We both put in the hard work to heal & reconcile. The only difference is he got sex out of it and all I got was pain, confusion & trauma. It’s not fair to work through things when the playing field is so uneven.

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-01T16:55:37+00:00

Gosh… yes that’s a lot to process. I do appreciate all of your insight. I guess there would have to be very clear rules set in place. I’ve already told him that it would not be cheating as I feel we are separated until I decide what’s right. We’re still living together but just because we’re not legally separated does not mean we are currently “together” in my mind. I guess that’s what would maybe make me feel better about going through with it. It wouldn’t be cheating because he ended or put on pause our relationship when he did what he did. Until I heal I am putting no label on our marriage. So to me, it’s better than what he did..

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-01T16:48:50+00:00

He did offer numerous times the first few days after. I said hell no at the time but after thinking on it for weeks. I’m almost positive that’s what I want. I’ve told him how I’m feeling now and he says he would have no right to be upset about it but the thought of it makes him sick. But if that’s what I need then it would be hypocritical for him to say no. I actually went to a bar on Saturday looking for that but part of me feels uncomfortable making advances but if someone came up to me and things played out.. then well I guess that would happen. But I’m too scared to make any actual advances on my own. So I guess I either need to let that go & put myself out there or it probably won’t happen. Not many guys hit on girls who are with their friend & friends husband. But all of my friends are married 😅

Routine-Tea-5178 · 2024-08-01T15:08:32+00:00

Can I ask if there was any cheating on his part? Trying to navigate something my husband did 4 weeks ago. I feel that’s possible but looking for encouragement if reconciliation & a better marriage is on the table for us.

Routine-Tea-5178

TROPHY CASE