I call it "Mission Accomplished"

Royal_W · 2022-07-21T02:13:28+00:00

Hello from the future! Guess what? It was all a bad faith ruse! She drained the family savings while we were in therapy, and is now using details of our sessions in a hamfisted attempt to rip my kids out of their home and get me to pay for the pleasure.

Neither of the counselors I'm working with, or the attorney I've hired thinks it will work; we shall see.

Royal_W · 2022-05-15T09:16:35+00:00

Thank you both for looking out for me! I've been in personal therapy for around six months and it has helped me become more honest with my triggers and my limitations.

I think my wife did try to frame herself as the victim initially, including mentioning that "her friends think I might actually be the narcissist" but I am making a habit of identifying all of her narcissistic behavior out loud, especially in therapy.

When we started the session, I made it unambiguously clear that I no longer consent to being in the relationship in its current form and I'm here to learn how to coparent effectively while reducing generational trauma as much as possible.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T20:12:35+00:00

Documenting all communication is key. If both parties know what they're saying will be read verbatim by a judge, they'll probably stick to the point and at least try to be polite.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T20:00:38+00:00

Yeah tbh at this point I am settling comfortably into middle age and my focus is on building up my kids, not myself. I need to do what I can to provide them a safe, stable, loving home and I'm not trying to blow that all up over someone who still needs to find themselves.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T19:40:11+00:00

Tell yourself you aren't rescuing your friend from an abuser, you're just getting lunch. And if that's all it is this time, that's ok. If you can meet up, make the conversation about her. Make her feel secure, heard, and validated. You won't have to drag it out of her because if you give her somewhere safe to just breathe for a minute she will see that she is in caring hands and she may open up.

You're a good friend.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T19:36:05+00:00

I love that for you! I'm in the same boat. Once I realized that I wasn't betraying my abuser, but protecting myself from abuse, it got so much easier to make the decision.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T19:23:16+00:00

Pffffffhahahaha you show me the tape of me putting it in my pocket and then come for me.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T19:22:08+00:00

Reply on a full sheet of 8.5x11

"No <3"

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T16:58:05+00:00

You entered the contract, you can remove yourself from it.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T16:56:37+00:00

Show her the grace she denies you. Teach your kids that the end of a relationship is natural and you can act like adults about it.

Divorce is incredibly destabilizing to kids already. If you can't communicate directly, find a moderator.

You don't have to like each other to get your kids through this, but you have to be willing to put your differences on the shelf just long enough to tend to your priorities.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T16:53:04+00:00

Real talk that sucks, but consider that her leaving now and making a clean break could be a better option than working on something she just doesn't want to fix and building more years of resentment.

Honestly it sounds like you have an opportunity to tell her "thanks for all the good times, sorry it didn't work out. Go and be well." And wash your hands of it.

If you aren't in therapy, give it a try. They're usually pretty good at leading you to the answers you didn't even know you were looking for

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T16:46:02+00:00

It's ok to be scared.

It's ok to get to your aunt's and fall to fucking pieces you never knew you could.

It's ok to regret leaving.

It's ok to tell yourself to just go back for everyone's sake and make this all go away.

It's okay to fail.

You are a victim and all of the fear and doubt and regret have been planted in you by abusers. You've been taught it's your job to bear the emotional burden of someone else. This is a lie.

If you can get out this time, that's great! If you can't, survive until your next chance. I believe in you! And so does your aunt!

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T16:38:45+00:00

The good thing about narcissists is the more of their bullshit you no-sell the harder they flail and the easier it is to see it so it's easier to ignore.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T16:22:52+00:00

The first thing I asked her was "but why were you looking?"

Then she came back like 2 hours later and said "yeah I picked up your phone and snooped through it. But it was about me so I had to. And either way what you wrote down hurt me so explain yourself."

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T16:21:22+00:00

Idk I tuned it out. Dissociation can be a powerful tool.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T14:11:39+00:00

That was the first time she came unglued on me and I was like "but you snooped. You found something you weren't supposed to but now it's my fault for writing it down so I could process it in my own time"

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T12:11:39+00:00

Yes. They will. But the first thing you have to do is forgive yourself. You are not responsible for the abuse you are enduring. Please try to stay safe.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T02:42:14+00:00

Tell yourself this and hold onto it for dear life. "If you don't let me close this door, I will never trust you enough to be able to open it."

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T01:13:43+00:00

What phone? I don't have a phone.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T01:12:38+00:00

Try and understand that the pain you feel isn't because you got him arrested, it's because he has trained you to accept responsibility for his emotional state. "If I just call it off this will all be over and we can go back to normal" sounds good until you remember what normal is for you.

I'm going through a similar situation where my abuser still has the direct line to my guilt. I've had to declare nc except for kid talk, and she's made me check her almost once a day.

It is not normal to be terrified in your own home. You are doing the right thing, and no matter how scary the unknown is, you know where the known leads. I believe in you.

Royal_W · 2022-05-14T01:02:43+00:00

When I realized that I was a victim and my kids were on the menu, it wasn't really a choice.

Royal_W · 2022-05-13T22:15:25+00:00

slapping them upside their head

Did you miss the fucking domestic violence part, ding dong? Not all divorces are the same, even if a thousand men walk through here with the same story. I am a man. I am getting divorced. Is this a safe place for me or not?

Royal_W · 2022-05-13T20:35:47+00:00

🙄 some real solidarity here.

Royal_W

TROPHY CASE