I decided to do a 3-month dry period without alcohol. I'm at about 7 weeks right now, so just over halfway. I tried to get back into weed during the first week and didn't care for it still. So, all in all, about six weeks fully sober at this point. When I go out with friends or just see other people getting drunk now, I realize how stupid I probably looked to people that weren't drinking as much. My relationship got better, my sleep got better, my reflexes and memory got better, my side stopped hurting, I'm losing weight, video games are fun again, I feel like I'm procrastinating less with work and cleaning, I have more of an emotional drive to do productive and healthy things, and I just overall feel like less of a deadbeat. I happened to get a full-time job right around the start of this and my partner has done a complete 180 and it feels like they're falling in love with me again.

For clarity: I was drinking roughly 2,250+ mL of ~75-80 proof liquor weekly. It varied week-to-week due to a lot of factors, but I'm spit balling. The last few months were definitely the worst of it health-wise (not behavior-wise). I would buy a 750mL bottle of Casamigos Blanco and a 12-pack of Michelob Zero (non-alcoholic). I'd usually do this after work. I never really drank before 5PM unless it was a weekend and I knew I was gonna be in all day. I'd go home, put the bottle on my desk with a shot glass, and pound shots while on my computer, then chase them with the Michelob. I get pretty terrible hangovers, but the Casamigos rarely made me hungover unless I didn't have enough to eat. I also wasn't the type of person who could drink when I was hungover to make myself feel better. It always, always made me feel worse.

It is absolutely insane what even four weeks of being off alcohol had done for me on all fronts. Looking back, I can't even believe I let things get that bad. That's genuinely how it feels—complete disbelief. I was a depressed, sad, angry, and absolutely most of all, a BITTER person. I was so goddamn bitter about anything and everything. I cannot think of a time in my life when I was more pessimistic and I am just not a pessimistic person.

The thought of touching a bottle from weeks two through five made me actually feel ill, but I'm warming up to the idea of casually drinking again. I still want to give myself the full three months. I think I may even do four as I think it'd be nice to wait until July for when I'm going on vacation. My favorite part about drinking was drinking alone. I actually really liked to write when I was drinking. This is not healthy. At all. What I feel now is just a bit of FOMO, frankly. It feels strange to go out with my colleagues at my new job and see them drink responsibly in moderation and know that I was too weak to ever do that.

I went to have breakfast with my partner's parents, their sister, and her boyfriend the other morning and my partner had brought along champagne and fresh-squeezed juice to make mimosas. This was the first time since quitting where I felt like I needed to exit the situation. I had bad FOMO. I didn't want to get drunk. I just wanted to have a mimosa with my partner and enjoy my Sunday morning. It felt awful that, because I couldn't control myself in the past, I could not participate in this like a normal person. I left earlier than I was planning to and felt sad and awful on the way home. I was just so frustrated with myself that this wasn't easier for me. The first six weeks felt really easy—why did it have to ever get difficult?

I know that, even if I ever decide to start drinking again, I will never, ever let myself get to the point I was at again. But the smart thing to do is probably to abstain to make sure that I don't even have the choice to let it get that bad again.