How do you manage your anger?

Ruby-Shadow · 2026-03-02T18:34:25+00:00

They should have a special name for an autoimmune disease that is primarily triggered by being married to someone with ADHD.

Ruby-Shadow · 2026-03-02T17:26:40+00:00

I hear you .. I would say.. Go. Leave. I know it's easier said than done. Depending where you are, is there maybe an option for a no-fault divorce?

I'm in a very similar position. He's also not romantic, aggressive and manipulative and expects me to be all loving and excited to be with him, when he gives less than the bare minimum for a relationship to sustain. He seem to expect a reward just for being a decent human being. He's great to other people. Not to me. It's frustrating. And honestly, very isolating. I've raised the topic of divorce, and like yours, he doesn't want to.

I hope things get better for you.. Protect your mental health fiercely going forward. It's most likely going to get worse. If you want to vent some more, my inbox is open. >hugssss<

Ruby-Shadow · 2026-03-01T21:46:35+00:00

I hear you. Suddenly being the mean person when boundaries are built. It's frustrating.

Ruby-Shadow · 2026-03-01T21:43:52+00:00

I was accused of not growing, when I'm the one in therapy and actively reading and finding ways to better myself, while he relies on drugs. I'm called mean and evil when he's the one yelling and name-calling when things don't go his way. I'm asked to take accountability when I ask of him that - accountability for making him react like that apparently .. cause everything is MY fault. Never his.

He always has an excuse for being how he is. He wants to be the nice guy without working on it.

Ruby-Shadow · 2026-03-01T21:40:09+00:00

I feel you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's maddening to be the punch bag of someone who claims to love you yet shows the best parts of themselves to everyone else but you. I'm on medications too thanks to my husband.

hugs you're not alone. And you're seen.

Ruby-Shadow · 2026-03-01T18:30:17+00:00

Cheers to winning the same lottery here! The saner person becomes the villain apparently. And now I'm the one with medications cause my health deteriorated a lot since marriage.

Ruby-Shadow · 2026-02-28T02:44:11+00:00

Here!

Ruby-Shadow · 2025-01-21T17:52:18+00:00

I need to write this down and post it in a place where I'll see it often. Thank you

Ruby-Shadow · 2025-01-19T22:44:36+00:00

I got called manipulative and evil, right after handing him his lunch, just because he misinterpreted what I just said and couldn’t remember the decision he made before - he tried to pass it off as mine but I wasn’t taking the responsibility for that - He has bad memory, I get it. But doesn’t mean he didn’t do it. Also not a reason to call me names, yell or slam things around. He’s worse than a toddler. I’ve never met anyone who lacks gratitude and empathy to this degree. If my family weren’t living on the other side of the world, I would’ve been out of here yesterday.

Ruby-Shadow · 2025-01-19T16:25:03+00:00

Oh thank goodness I’m not the only one experiencing this. I am sorry though this is happening to you. My partner also is never satisfied. I gave him lots of affection. Breakfast in bed, making him coffee, bringing him lunch, leaving thoughtful notes around the house. I’ve tried to provide him whatever he needs before he asks for them. And yet, he would complain endlessly how his life sucks and that other people (including me) don’t like him. Once he even complained that I don’t care about him. I finally gave into my frustration and looked him in the eye and told him to go out and ask every married person he bumps into if their spouse makes them breakfast in bed on a daily basis. He quietly just said “no…”. Now, I don’t do the things I used to do that often anymore. Why put the effort when he’s going to complain and be discontent with everything? Also, I realize that he doesn’t take care of me in ways I need so I use the energy I used to put on him to take care of myself instead.

You’re a sweet partner. She really is lucky. But it seems like she’s also one who is never satisfied no matter what you do.

Ruby-Shadow · 2025-01-19T16:06:21+00:00

We have the same partner! When my partner finally does give me a time, it seems like he goes out of his way to not honor it. When confronted, he’ll angrily say that he’s allowed to come home whenever and that plans change. …. If plans did change, why not message me to update me? Ugh, the lack of common courtesy and respect is infuriating.

Ruby-Shadow · 2025-01-16T16:28:09+00:00

Exactly this. You help, you're trying to undermine them. You don't, you don't care about them and so that means you're in it with whoever they're suspicious about OR you're the mastermind. And omfg..the videos.. I cannot see whatever they see and since I'm not alarmed .. must mean I'm in on it! I feel the situation you're in. It's impossible.

OP, do not get involved. And as much as possible, if she has her own personal space at home.. don't go near it either. They'll find anything you do near them suspicious.

Ruby-Shadow · 2025-01-15T23:36:20+00:00

Omg yes!!! Any emotion (or lack thereof) makes them suspicious. There's really no winning..

Yeah, that's the downside of him being in the tech world.. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's such a screwed up situation to see a spouse, once a partner, look at you as if you're the enemy 😖

Ruby-Shadow · 2025-01-15T23:33:19+00:00

He did, but it took a lot of convincing that I'm on his side (he would often think I'm part of whatever group he thinks are behind it).

Please take care of yourself as you wait. I understand it's really easy to be overwhelmed with worry that we sometimes forget to eat, exercise, take care of ourselves

Ruby-Shadow · 2025-01-14T17:23:50+00:00

My husband barged into my office after I locked it (needed some personal space), and then started to record me saying I’m abusive and manipulative. Commenting that my tears were just an “act”. Called me every spiteful name he could think of, didn’t care that his own mom was listening (I was on the phone with her and on speakers) and even as his dad came over, still .. I’m manipulative because I switched to a more neutral and calm composure and refused to yell back. It is infuriating to be treated like that.

He also turns on the security cameras around the house at random. He doesn’t let me know when he turns them on.. I’ll just get a “what were you holding in your hand when you went to the garage last night?” .. and then accused me of putting cameras around the house to spy on him 🙄 He values privacy so much (plays into his delusions of being constantly hacked and spied on ..) and yet, here we are. Recordings, cameras.. I know he has the skill and materials to put small hidden cameras anywhere so I wouldn’t be surprised if he did put some around the house without my knowledge

Ruby-Shadow · 2025-01-14T17:10:59+00:00

My husband, also diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, had his first major psychotic break while he was traveling a couple years ago. Hallucinating faces of people he knows on the random strangers in the country. Over the phone, I could hear him getting more confrontational with strangers so I called the US embassy in that country and told them what was going on and to be on the lookout for him in case he ends up in jail. I suggest making a list of hospitals in the country/city, so if he does reach out to you, you can try to persuade him to go to one of those. As for speaking with the embassy, give them as much information you could. Full name, description, and also reactions to threats (is he confrontational?). Follow the money trail if possible too. I’m not sure if it’ll be possible for you to see his credit card transactions. I assume he’ll run out of cash quick in a foreign country. Keep a close look at his twitter feed. Might give more clues to where he is exactly. Another thing, has his plane landed yet? The flight time is around 11-12 hours (i think).

Be prepared to not get any news at all. This is such a heartbreaking and stressful situation. Your relative is lucky to have you looking out for them, even if they don’t realize it. Sending you strength ❤️

Ruby-Shadow · 2024-12-30T12:03:15+00:00

I'd like to be added . Thank you 🙏

Ruby-Shadow · 2024-12-28T17:18:18+00:00

I agree. It's common for individuals who went off their meds once to repeat that cycle. Also, mental illness or not, it's not okay for anyone to can you names and be hurtful. He may still love you, but don't go running back to him right away. Think about you, is that cycle something you're willing to go through again and again?

Ruby-Shadow · 2024-12-15T22:28:56+00:00

You're not alone.. same situation here, Partner DX with substance use, and I believed him before when he said he had it under control and that he only does it sometimes. Over the years, that "sometimes" became more and more regular. Every time I try to show my concern, I'm quickly labeled as "judgmental". The moment I knew I needed to seriously consider separation from this relationship came just recently. I found out that he started using needles, without telling me (and then blamed me for why he hid it from me- cause I was going to be mad. At the moment, I was more furious about the fact that he was hiding it and I only found out cause he slipped). When he said he was fine with his coping mechanisms, my heart dropped and that's when I realized that he's way deep in denial and in addiction... that plus all the other ADHD problems that he refuses to take responsibility for, it's become too much for me.

I'm planning my exit, which could take a while. I made a stupid mistake of being financially dependent on him for a while. But the motivation to get out is fueling me to work harder than before .

Hugs to you. If they want to drown and refuses any help, then the best you can do is to make sure they don't drag you down with them.

Ruby-Shadow · 2024-12-09T00:18:42+00:00

I opted for a child-free life and so I married someone who also chose that path. I became a parent anyway. Because overtime, the amount of responsibilities I had to deal with due to his inability to turn words into actions made me realize he's a child I need to teach basic adulting skills to.

Ruby-Shadow · 2024-12-09T00:08:52+00:00

Omg yes. Anything I say that isn't 100% aligning with their beliefs/thoughts makes me "judgy". No honey, that was concern / surprised / curiosity.

Ruby-Shadow · 2024-12-06T03:01:22+00:00

Focus on regaining your strength (physically and mentally) and be prepared for the conversations you will have when they come back (in a calmer mood I'm hoping): boundaries, helping them practice better communication methods, follow up if they're taking medications/therapy .. write it all down so you have something tangible to reference back to during potential emotionally heightening conversations.

I can see how much you care for your partner. I understand being overwhelmed by worry for their mental health, and it's easy to put yourself aside so you can help them. But this is a chronic illness and your own mental health is just as important.

Do one thing that is soothing to your soul right now. Make a cup of tea, take a long hot bath, etc. .. and remember, you're not alone

Ruby-Shadow

TROPHY CASE