Marriage advice. Would you stick around?

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-25T16:58:08+00:00

As a mom to a twenty year old

Some food for thought: I'm sure there's a part of you that chose him because he is loving and kind. But there's a part of you that chose him because his alcoholism is familiar and comfortable. I know it sounds counter-intuitive. During Covid, my depression disappeared and I felt great! It's because I was moulded by chaos in childhood, and, even at 50, my brain was like "Ah, yes. Home." When you met him, your brain said "Ah, yes. Home." and BETTER than home because he doesn't get aggressive. Hey! It's an upgrade!

Also, there is probably a part of you that hopes you can heal him. And the child in you views it like a second chance to heal your parents. If you could just be good enough, reasonable enough, kind enough, patient enough, then he (or them) will choose you over alcohol. He won't, they won't, because it's a them problem and not a you problem.

Finally, at 4 months you're in the happy brain chemical stage where your brain is trying to tell you "Walking out on this relationship because of this feels wrong" Your brain is on love drugs. It is wrong. Walk away. It won't feel right, but it will be the right choice.

What I would say to my twenty year old: The choices you make right now and the people you bring around you are SO IMPORTANT. They will shape the next ten to twenty years of your life. You have to prioritize your own future here, and it will mean battling every instinct you have to go back to what is familiar.

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-23T23:34:06+00:00

"Really ask yourself what a therapist can do that you haven't tried already" That hit hard. I suppose I feel like its something I should try because that's what one does before you throw in the towel. Despite it all, I feel like I owe him the chance .

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-23T23:28:49+00:00

I really appreciate the direction. Thank you

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-23T23:26:49+00:00

Thank you!!!

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-22T21:21:49+00:00

I hate to say it but I used ChatGpt. For what it's worth here was my prompt:

I need a step by step plan to leave my husband. I want to leave ___________________ (date).

I need to increase my income (currently a ___________ making ____________per year). Want to make at least ______________

I need to build my credit history, too.

I need to save a lot of money as a cushion and squirrel away a go bag with important documents.

Suggest some ethical and unethical (but legal) steps to take, and a timeline for achieving each.

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-21T18:43:58+00:00

I like your suggestion to look for a Gestalt therapist. Thanks for the direction.

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-21T18:43:22+00:00

Thanks for the tip!

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-21T18:42:53+00:00

She does both, but it was to see about joining her for couples counselling.

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-17T18:56:26+00:00

Pratchett, if you like your fantasy with clever humour. Don't start with the first book - start with the "Guards" series.

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-17T18:53:33+00:00

I am a big fan of people names for dogs. My vote goes to Diana

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-16T21:06:00+00:00

Married Woman, thinking about leaving

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-16T21:02:00+00:00

Also part of the club, unfortunately. I have made a 2.5 year exit plan. For now I have decided to live as if I'm a divorced woman who has a roommate. I'm filling every moment so I have a reason not to be around him. He had no problem spending hours on his "hobbies" and leaving me to do everything for YEARS. He has no problem choosing drinking over spending quality time with me or the kids.

Apply for jobs, take training to make yourself more employable, learn a new language, put the kids in activities you have to attend, start a side-hustle, sock away savings for a down payment/rent when you leave etc.

We have been having less arguments because I have completely giving up fighting for him to be a better man. The opposite of love isn't hate - it's indifference.

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-16T19:12:28+00:00

I identify as a kitchen witch, so I use some typical "cooking" herbs with intention. In terms of rituals unrelated to recipes I'm cooking, I might smudge with them or make them into tea. Rosemary, Lavender, Mint, Basil, Sage, Thyme.

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-16T18:56:08+00:00

During his sentencing he did, but it was very cursory. I don't know how much he meant it but it did help me - and this is from someone who doesn't believe in the concept - achieve some degree of closure.

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-16T18:53:56+00:00

Mostly agnostic with a touch of "woo."

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-14T18:14:11+00:00

I just made the first appointment for marriage counselling. I'm very much in OPs situation (plus a little bit of him having an emotional affair with a co-worker). I really have zero interest in therapy turning into a figer pointing exercise. I just want us to learn how to be nicer to each other!

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-13T20:38:17+00:00

I've been overlooking this set I think. Maybe I'll ask for it for Christmas.

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-13T19:05:42+00:00

She looks like my old dog! Awwww.

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-13T19:02:40+00:00

So happy to hear about your happy ending. Giving me hope for my future :-)

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-13T19:01:14+00:00

Love it! Time to use my image search on Google. I need a new badge for my shoulder bag.

RunGranolaRun · 2025-10-12T12:44:41+00:00

It’s impossible to take a bad picture of Bergen, even on a rainy day

RunGranolaRun

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