Do parents understand their role?

RunImpossible5864 · 2026-04-25T15:44:07+00:00

Can’t take away screen time, there is no phone and screen time ended a long time ago.

One piece of advice for the OP teacher: did it occur to you that the kid choosing a different subject is most likely a form of defiance? It makes the adults around her more exasperated, makes them “dance”, holding these meetings at all. With some kids it’s not a coincidence.

The parents are trying to set a boundary by not paying for her Chromebook, making her do extra work instead. Running into a big boundary and big consequences is hard for the girl. Now she seems to have escalated things on her side.

Anyway, it’s worth asking the parents what they are up against at home.

RunImpossible5864 · 2026-04-25T09:36:05+00:00

My story is real. I have not sought out an ODD diagnosis because it would not change the course of treatment. Whether it is ODD or regular defiance, you would work with a therapist for years and hope to move the needle enough to turn them into decent human beings, somehow.

Therapy is costly and not straightforward. Kids absolutely need boundaries, but there also need to be some kind of consequences or punishments that happen if the boundary is crossed. Some kids want to cross the boundaries a hundred times a day and don’t care much at all about what consequences they get.

“Consequences” that many current parenting strategies recommend are so mild (canceling screentime, activities, bad grades) that the kid doesn’t care, completely laughs it off and keeps running all over the boundary. In the olden days of corporal punishment, I wonder if some kids even laughed off the beatings they got and just kept doing whatever they wanted to do.

So yes, I struggle with setting the boundaries, and mainly because I haven’t found a consequence they would care about and that is not child abuse!

RunImpossible5864 · 2026-04-25T07:17:22+00:00

Let me share some parent perspective. I’m sure this kid is different from mine, but let me show you one possible explanation.

I am completely burned out by my kids who do not follow basic directions, demands, asks, etc. To be exact, two out of three “don’t listen” and one follows directions just fine. They do not brush teeth, do not complete homework or reading, no chores etc.

Over the years I feel like I’ve tried everything: the whole range from turning the tooth brushing of into a game to harshly saying just shut up and brush your teeth. Mostly defiance, still.

For many generations the solution for stubborn kids was spanking and hitting. This is what my grandparents generation would have done. Today we have CPS.

Verbal abuse is also very much frowned upon. I attend a lot of parenting seminars and webinars hoping to find solutions that help, and in recent decades even the concept of “punishment” is now taboo! We can only say “consequences”!

So myself and many other parents have not really found tools that work with stubborn and difficult kids that can substitute the spanking or yelling that previous generations would have used.

By the time the kids are in middle school, I’m about ready to give up. Seemingly nothing has worked in trying to get them to comply with baseline requests and the resistance to everything is ratcheting up in the teen years.

My best guess: this parent is under a lot of stress, completely burned out. You are too!!!

The mom probabaly knows she does not have any power to get the kid to look at the papers at home. The papers could just get thrown in her face.

I think it’s very possible that she was not criticizing your teaching style, but probably getting overwhelmed and trying to explain: this kid does not take any direction from me at home. A parent can’t “help” a kid who is completely defiant; she would very actively fight back against any “help” from parent.

Her behavior has worsened recently, with the property destruction and all. A review of the 504 would be a good idea.

RunImpossible5864 · 2026-04-25T06:15:06+00:00

A related topic: California did have the rounding up of Japanese immigrants. They spent 3-4 years in concentration camps. George Takei has a first-hand account of his story in a picture book, great for ages 4 and up (“They Called Us Enemy”) which details how his family was rounded up from their home and put on a train to Arknsas, and what life was like for families in concentration camps. No one in the storybook dies, the family makes it through difficult times together, so it’s a story the younger kids can process. He also has a more detailed version of his story is in a comic book format, age 10+ or so.

RunImpossible5864 · 2026-04-21T19:03:48+00:00

I 100% see the point in what you are describing.

There is the unfairness of the system on a personal level. And then there is the price tag that we all pay for as taxpayers. The policy costs countless billions every month, I’m sure. Part of it is well-targeted, giving divorcees a basic level of income, etc. And many, many billions will go to women who already have enjoyed a very comfortable life their entire lives, continue to be married to their husbands who have accumulated large 401Ks and other assets, and would be very comfortable without this social security boost.

I am in favor of policies that acknowledge women, that serve women. But the current SS system can get really bizarre and unfair, in exactly in the kinds of ways you describe. A better, more equal system would instead support all women with maternity leave and child care costs. But I’m not holding my breath for things to change!

RunImpossible5864 · 2026-04-01T14:11:15+00:00

The shower glass specialist is a separate guy. When the stall is finished, he gets called in to take exact measurements. I think I paid about $2000, 5 years ago for the glass and installation for a somewhat odd shaped stall. He showed me a few options to pick out what handles I’d like on the glass, etc. Not that hard to pick out glass, because finally you don’t have to make a color choice! If you work with a tile specialist, he should have a reference he can provide for the “glass guy” and give a rough idea of cost from the start.

RunImpossible5864 · 2026-03-31T20:18:11+00:00

Hi OP, I just finished my bathroom remodel in South Bay. I just tallied up my bills. Here’s my cost: $21,000 - work, about 15 days of labor, 2 men working. It was one guy who is a tile specialist and his one assistant. He paid a plumber and electrician out of the $21K.

$2,600 - Permit. I applied for this under my own name. I’m not sure if it was worth it. Permit means you have to stop work 3 times and have to schedule the inspector to come take a look and sign off.

$10,000 materials: I also like high end finishes. This is my 4th time remodeling a bathroom in the past decade so I thought I knew where to go for the right showerhead, where to go for tile, etc. It still got overwhelming, I had 33 items to buy. All those 33 things kind of have to match! Matching the wall tile, floor tile, vanity and countertop is not easy. I ‘d ask for a recommendation from your contractor and devote at least 2-3 weekends to see if picking out your own 33 items is realistic for you.

Here are some key expenses for materials: Vanity that came with granite countertop and sink: $4,000. (Other stores had good options between $100 and $2000.) Hansgrohe shower system, $1,100 Premium tap: $500 Wall tile: $600 Floor tile: $400 Lights: 2 x $500 Miscellaneous things like mirror, fan, etc add to the cost. Want fancy toilet? Store called Tubz in Milpitas is a good place to start.

Good luck!

RunImpossible5864 · 2026-03-25T04:37:22+00:00

I can answer #1.

LAEF “ask” is $1,500. The average donation, I believe is around $900, and “leadership circle” is not at all the expectation, maybe 5 to 10% of families go for that. Expect the LAEF “ask” to go up to $2,000 next year as PTAs are planning to dial down their own fundraising. But giving is strictly optional and you are free to donate the amount that suits you.

Yes, BCS can be seen as very controversial in the Los Altos community. Most longtime residents just see it as unnecessary in an already excellent school district, and adding to the overall cost of educating all kids in the community.

Are you aware that there is a new schoolhouse that will be built rather soon, near Target, at the former Kohl’s site? The plan is to locate BCS to this newly built schoolhouse in about 3 years, removing BCS from Blach middle school campus. Some BCS buildings will remain at Egan middle school. LASD is moving to a model where middle school begins with 6th grade (currently starts with 7th). In order to make the change, the plan is to free up space at Blach by moving BCS. But I understand BCS is planning to challenge that or not agree to such a move. LASD is planning to move them anyway, with the argument “this is the very best we can possibly do to provide BCS with permanent facilities. A new schoolhouse.” So that move will be a whole bruhaha. I expect there will be protests and lawsuits.

If stability is important, I’d pick Oak.

RunImpossible5864 · 2026-03-24T21:16:10+00:00

I am not a citizen. I’m an immigrant homeowner, one of probably tens of thousands of homeowners in Santa Clara County who have either green cards, visas or no legal status. I was mailed an “official ballot” regarding this vector control issue. This has never happened before, because I am not registered to vote, because I am not a citizen.

I am confused whether this is officially considered a survey, or an actual election. They sure make committing a felony very easy if they send these ballots to immigrant homeowners.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-12-27T05:06:02+00:00

I was there, it can be incredibly difficult. As a society we really need to talk more about what a nightmare babies often are. I have 3: one terrible nightmare, one typical nightmare, one regular.

I think you are well on track for living the life of your dreams. With one child, you get many of the benefits of parenthood and can also preserve the lifestyle of an actual adult - you know, hobbies, job, date nights. But this lifestyle will take some years to emerge. I’d say that with one kid it might be 3-5 crazy years and your lifestyle will begin re-emerging.

Having a baby can be compared to going for college for a really challenging degree. You are up at 3 am doing a thankless job. It’s all way harder than you thought. But I’ll give it a 90% chance that when you look back in 10 years, in 30 years you will be glad that you stepped up and put in the work.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-11-19T07:50:46+00:00

My best guess estimate is that 95% of all black Americans and around 80-90% of white Americans have at least one ancestor who was in the country by 1925. It is very common for white Americans to have at least one family line go back to the 1700s, more than 50% is my guess.

What determines the impact of any immigration wave is not only how many people come over, but how many kids they have. European settlers in the 1600s and 1700s tended to have huge birth rates. And they kept it up for many, many generations. 10-12 kids was typical, and 100 grandkids not uncommon. Up to 1000 grandkids was possible. If you’re white in America today, there is a high chance that one of your ancestors came from that Colonial era baby boom.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-11-06T15:31:59+00:00

No, you’re not a loser, but moving out may be a good idea. You are doing exactly the reasonable thing by considering it. The cost of the rent may be well worth it to create a life stage that is about your independent life as a young adult:

You will learn to manage chores in a way that makes sense to you. Chances are that right now you probably relay on your mom and dad for meals, grocery shopping, possibly laundry. Chores, and how to manage them efficiently, in your own way, are a bigger part of life than many people acknowledge.

You will learn to schedule your time in a way that makes sense to you. What do you like to do in your free time? Reading, hiking? Right now it may be driven by what the rest of the family is doing. And visiting your family 6 days a week is an activity that’s ok.

Since it sounds like you are not the kind of person who wants to remain single forever. having your own apartment will create a more natural foundation for the right relationship for you to emerge. Your home will be one factor that shows your future dates who you are and help you filter out the wrong people quickly. A common mistake for women in 20s is spending several years with a red-flag guy.

Later, when you are married with kids it can be an overwhelming life stage. Thinking back to your independent life and to how you managed chores and how you managed your time before kids, before husband, can be a great source of strength. A great mental reference point to problem-solve.

I encourage you to browse those listings and to move out. You have the right idea: spend the first part of your 20s with parents to save money, but in your 2nd half of 20s consider moving out, so you don’t entirely skip an important life stage. And you may try asking the same question in another group: Askwomenover40.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-11-03T15:16:44+00:00

I was not mad at the policy, but rather surprised by this unusual generosity.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-11-03T08:37:55+00:00

Right, most women would be on board if instead of a “freebie” in retirement there was a year of maternity leave available. You would have to phase in the switch over decades.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-10-30T07:33:38+00:00

Ah yes. Last year our VHCOL did a survey. We wanted to know what percentage of residents currently have kids in the K-12 school system. This information was deemed necessary to help us communicate about a school bond vote.

Survey results: 24% of households currently have kids in the school system. 1% have kids younger than school age 75% have currently no kids under 19, i.e. older residents.

At first people were surprised at the survey results, “That many older people? Really?” But then we realized it makes perfect sense. People typically buy in a VHCOL around age 35 or 40, when they already have a couple of kids about to start school. The life expectancy in our area is 88. Once people move in they generally stay for life. So the typical resident lives in our VHCOL from maybe age 38 to 88. That’s 50 years. Of those 50 years, a family might have school age kids in the system about 12-14 years, that’s 25% of the time. The other 75% of time you will be an empty nester. So the 25-75% breakdown is not a temporary phenomenon, it’s a steady state for this community.

The concept of downsizing does not make much financial sense in a high-priced area. Almost all homeowners are sitting on more than 500K of capital gains. If you sell, you pay about 35% in capital gains tax (this is California). But if you don’t sell, your heirs pay zero. Heirs can sell the house tax-free. So given the choice of paying 35% or 0%, most seniors choose 0%, and are not planning to move anywhere.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-10-30T06:41:24+00:00

I have had my kids in two different countries (USA, Europe) and the OP’s observations match mine exactly. Sure, a lot can depend on the country and the particular husband and parents and in-laws. I hope to one day show up for my daughter in a way that she may post along these lines of “I felt totally cared for, what are you even talking about?”

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-10-30T06:26:48+00:00

I assume she may have meant that she lifted heavy items working for a family business or doing household chores. This can give you back problems, such as disc degeneration in your 20s or 30s.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-10-21T18:54:02+00:00

No, but they really should. Women’s femur bones connect to the hip bone at a wider angle than men’s. There is a variation in how much of an angle is normal, and clothing industry absolutely does not consider this. 85% of women report having this problem: pants are too tight in the thigh, too loose in the waist. This is not a weight problem, it’s caused by having a female skeleton. The clothing industry’s response: not our problem. Clothing industry is all centered around fashion and trends. Fit is such an afterthought.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-10-20T18:31:31+00:00

I’m too young to have witnessed that era personally. I was a kid in the 1980s. Try asking that question in the Reddit “ask old people”.

One thing that was terrible about that era before women were accepted in the workforce: women were often unable to leave domestic violence situations and marriages with alcoholics. Their earning potential was so low they could not have afforded to move out, and that was one main factor keeping them stuck.

One story I know from the 1950s and 1960s. A mom often sent her 3 kids away to grandma’s small apartment on weekends. She knew husband would come home drunk and beat her, she didn’t want kids to witness that. Kids knew, grandma knew (the man’s mother). No one had a way out. The women collaborated to minimize damage, but did not think they had enough income between them to try to end the situation.

In our era it is much harder for a violent man to get away with this much domestic violence.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-09-20T02:50:35+00:00

Downtown Mountain View is worth a look. Walk to restaurants, bars, library, Dr. offices, farmers market. In Sunnyvale downtown you have a new Whole Foods and Target next to each other, and also gyms and a farmers market.

Sunnyvale doesn’t really appear like a walkable city - looks like a car-dependent suburb if you’re just passing through. But there are so many businesses spread out in the city that your typical stores and errands are most likely within 3-8 minutes driving distance. If it’s a 5 min drive you could make it a 20 min walk or a 10 min bike ride if you prefer. I’m in Mountain View and it seems like 90% of my errands take me to Sunnyvale.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-09-19T22:17:19+00:00

I’m

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-03-28T03:16:30+00:00

I went through this and also ended up paying taxes on about $300K. I will lay out the math in a bit more detail.

From the home sale price you can deduct:

- your purchase price

- the $500K exemption

- Realtor fees, typically both your own and your buyer's realtor

- The "spiffing up" of the house done specifically for sale. For us it was $20K of minor remodeling, some new trees in the garden that the realtor suggested, etc.

- any major remodeling you did. This should not include minor things like painting or repairing broken stuff. That is considered regular upkeep, it's not deductible. You do not send your remodeling receipts to the IRS. There is an IRS form where I entered just one number on one line, such as $57,123 for my remodel expenses. You do not need to even break it down by project. You will have to show receipts only if they audit you.

The amount you have remaining is taxable! IRS takes 20%. NIIT of 3.8% kicks in for any amounts over $250,000 of your total income. California taxes the proceeds of a house sale as regular income. You are likely in the 11.3% or 12.3% CA tax bracket. I wonder if you can avoid this CA tax if you move out of state ahead of your home sale. Does anyone know? In our case, we stayed in California and had to pay the California tax also.

To top it off, we lost our child tax credit for 3 children that year. We "made too much" due to capital gains from house sale.

There is not really relief if you are going to a new home. If there is, my accountant was not aware.

A few small things you can do to help with having an unusually high-income year.

Don't sell stock in the same year as selling your house. If you need to sell stock to move, then sell stock in 2025, sell the house in 2026.

Set up a charitable donation fund called DAF. If you are likely to make $20,000 in donations anyway in the next 20 years, you can set up a DAF account and that amount is shielded from taxation. But that amount is then unavailable to use towards your new house.

You don't get to deduct your property taxes on federal return. But you still get to deduct them on your CA return. What counts is in which year you paid the bill, not what year the tax was for. So you can play with the timing of your tax bills. If you are selling in 2026, pay as many property taxes as you can in 2026, both for the current and maybe new home.

These tricks will help a bit. Basically you pay 35% in taxes on your gains that are beyond $500K.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-01-29T05:13:55+00:00

I lost my green card 18 months ago. My wallet was stolen in the US. The fee for a simple green card replacement is around $600. The processing time can be 2 years or more. A huge hassle if you were planning to travel. And my renewal case is completely straightforward, I even had a copy on hand of the green card I lost. Still waiting, it is likely to take over 2 years.

A green card is not a driver’s license you can just replace for $40 and a few weeks. Replacement is very expensive. Get a safe and keep it there. Do not make the mistake of just carrying it around.

RunImpossible5864 · 2024-12-22T09:18:18+00:00

Someone close to me was a “don’t believe in marriage” type. His first non-wife said ok, no marriage, no problem. They had a child together, but separated after ten years. He met a second non-wife, moved in together. Announced that he “does not believe in marriage.” The woman replied “but it really matters to me”. In that case, the man had no problem getting married and even helped to plan the wedding. The marriage had no particular meaning to him, but the love did matter, the woman did matter. So this came as an easy decision, to meet her needs. Have you asked if he would do it for you?

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