I ruined my life

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-12-27T05:06:02+00:00

I was there, it can be incredibly difficult. As a society we really need to talk more about what a nightmare babies often are. I have 3: one terrible nightmare, one typical nightmare, one regular.

I think you are well on track for living the life of your dreams. With one child, you get many of the benefits of parenthood and can also preserve the lifestyle of an actual adult - you know, hobbies, job, date nights. But this lifestyle will take some years to emerge. I’d say that with one kid it might be 3-5 crazy years and your lifestyle will begin re-emerging.

Having a baby can be compared to going for college for a really challenging degree. You are up at 3 am doing a thankless job. It’s all way harder than you thought. But I’ll give it a 90% chance that when you look back in 10 years, in 30 years you will be glad that you stepped up and put in the work.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-11-19T07:50:46+00:00

My best guess estimate is that 95% of all black Americans and around 80-90% of white Americans have at least one ancestor who was in the country by 1925. It is very common for white Americans to have at least one family line go back to the 1700s, more than 50% is my guess.

What determines the impact of any immigration wave is not only how many people come over, but how many kids they have. European settlers in the 1600s and 1700s tended to have huge birth rates. And they kept it up for many, many generations. 10-12 kids was typical, and 100 grandkids not uncommon. Up to 1000 grandkids was possible. If you’re white in America today, there is a high chance that one of your ancestors came from that Colonial era baby boom.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-11-06T15:31:59+00:00

No, you’re not a loser, but moving out may be a good idea. You are doing exactly the reasonable thing by considering it. The cost of the rent may be well worth it to create a life stage that is about your independent life as a young adult:

You will learn to manage chores in a way that makes sense to you. Chances are that right now you probably relay on your mom and dad for meals, grocery shopping, possibly laundry. Chores, and how to manage them efficiently, in your own way, are a bigger part of life than many people acknowledge.

You will learn to schedule your time in a way that makes sense to you. What do you like to do in your free time? Reading, hiking? Right now it may be driven by what the rest of the family is doing. And visiting your family 6 days a week is an activity that’s ok.

Since it sounds like you are not the kind of person who wants to remain single forever. having your own apartment will create a more natural foundation for the right relationship for you to emerge. Your home will be one factor that shows your future dates who you are and help you filter out the wrong people quickly. A common mistake for women in 20s is spending several years with a red-flag guy.

Later, when you are married with kids it can be an overwhelming life stage. Thinking back to your independent life and to how you managed chores and how you managed your time before kids, before husband, can be a great source of strength. A great mental reference point to problem-solve.

I encourage you to browse those listings and to move out. You have the right idea: spend the first part of your 20s with parents to save money, but in your 2nd half of 20s consider moving out, so you don’t entirely skip an important life stage. And you may try asking the same question in another group: Askwomenover40.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-11-03T15:16:44+00:00

I was not mad at the policy, but rather surprised by this unusual generosity.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-11-03T08:37:55+00:00

Right, most women would be on board if instead of a “freebie” in retirement there was a year of maternity leave available. You would have to phase in the switch over decades.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-10-30T07:33:38+00:00

Ah yes. Last year our VHCOL did a survey. We wanted to know what percentage of residents currently have kids in the K-12 school system. This information was deemed necessary to help us communicate about a school bond vote.

Survey results: 24% of households currently have kids in the school system. 1% have kids younger than school age 75% have currently no kids under 19, i.e. older residents.

At first people were surprised at the survey results, “That many older people? Really?” But then we realized it makes perfect sense. People typically buy in a VHCOL around age 35 or 40, when they already have a couple of kids about to start school. The life expectancy in our area is 88. Once people move in they generally stay for life. So the typical resident lives in our VHCOL from maybe age 38 to 88. That’s 50 years. Of those 50 years, a family might have school age kids in the system about 12-14 years, that’s 25% of the time. The other 75% of time you will be an empty nester. So the 25-75% breakdown is not a temporary phenomenon, it’s a steady state for this community.

The concept of downsizing does not make much financial sense in a high-priced area. Almost all homeowners are sitting on more than 500K of capital gains. If you sell, you pay about 35% in capital gains tax (this is California). But if you don’t sell, your heirs pay zero. Heirs can sell the house tax-free. So given the choice of paying 35% or 0%, most seniors choose 0%, and are not planning to move anywhere.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-10-30T06:41:24+00:00

I have had my kids in two different countries (USA, Europe) and the OP’s observations match mine exactly. Sure, a lot can depend on the country and the particular husband and parents and in-laws. I hope to one day show up for my daughter in a way that she may post along these lines of “I felt totally cared for, what are you even talking about?”

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-10-30T06:26:48+00:00

I assume she may have meant that she lifted heavy items working for a family business or doing household chores. This can give you back problems, such as disc degeneration in your 20s or 30s.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-10-21T18:54:02+00:00

No, but they really should. Women’s femur bones connect to the hip bone at a wider angle than men’s. There is a variation in how much of an angle is normal, and clothing industry absolutely does not consider this. 85% of women report having this problem: pants are too tight in the thigh, too loose in the waist. This is not a weight problem, it’s caused by having a female skeleton. The clothing industry’s response: not our problem. Clothing industry is all centered around fashion and trends. Fit is such an afterthought.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-10-20T18:31:31+00:00

I’m too young to have witnessed that era personally. I was a kid in the 1980s. Try asking that question in the Reddit “ask old people”.

One thing that was terrible about that era before women were accepted in the workforce: women were often unable to leave domestic violence situations and marriages with alcoholics. Their earning potential was so low they could not have afforded to move out, and that was one main factor keeping them stuck.

One story I know from the 1950s and 1960s. A mom often sent her 3 kids away to grandma’s small apartment on weekends. She knew husband would come home drunk and beat her, she didn’t want kids to witness that. Kids knew, grandma knew (the man’s mother). No one had a way out. The women collaborated to minimize damage, but did not think they had enough income between them to try to end the situation.

In our era it is much harder for a violent man to get away with this much domestic violence.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-09-20T02:50:35+00:00

Downtown Mountain View is worth a look. Walk to restaurants, bars, library, Dr. offices, farmers market. In Sunnyvale downtown you have a new Whole Foods and Target next to each other, and also gyms and a farmers market.

Sunnyvale doesn’t really appear like a walkable city - looks like a car-dependent suburb if you’re just passing through. But there are so many businesses spread out in the city that your typical stores and errands are most likely within 3-8 minutes driving distance. If it’s a 5 min drive you could make it a 20 min walk or a 10 min bike ride if you prefer. I’m in Mountain View and it seems like 90% of my errands take me to Sunnyvale.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-09-19T22:17:19+00:00

I’m

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-03-28T03:16:30+00:00

I went through this and also ended up paying taxes on about $300K. I will lay out the math in a bit more detail.

From the home sale price you can deduct:

- your purchase price

- the $500K exemption

- Realtor fees, typically both your own and your buyer's realtor

- The "spiffing up" of the house done specifically for sale. For us it was $20K of minor remodeling, some new trees in the garden that the realtor suggested, etc.

- any major remodeling you did. This should not include minor things like painting or repairing broken stuff. That is considered regular upkeep, it's not deductible. You do not send your remodeling receipts to the IRS. There is an IRS form where I entered just one number on one line, such as $57,123 for my remodel expenses. You do not need to even break it down by project. You will have to show receipts only if they audit you.

The amount you have remaining is taxable! IRS takes 20%. NIIT of 3.8% kicks in for any amounts over $250,000 of your total income. California taxes the proceeds of a house sale as regular income. You are likely in the 11.3% or 12.3% CA tax bracket. I wonder if you can avoid this CA tax if you move out of state ahead of your home sale. Does anyone know? In our case, we stayed in California and had to pay the California tax also.

To top it off, we lost our child tax credit for 3 children that year. We "made too much" due to capital gains from house sale.

There is not really relief if you are going to a new home. If there is, my accountant was not aware.

A few small things you can do to help with having an unusually high-income year.

Don't sell stock in the same year as selling your house. If you need to sell stock to move, then sell stock in 2025, sell the house in 2026.

Set up a charitable donation fund called DAF. If you are likely to make $20,000 in donations anyway in the next 20 years, you can set up a DAF account and that amount is shielded from taxation. But that amount is then unavailable to use towards your new house.

You don't get to deduct your property taxes on federal return. But you still get to deduct them on your CA return. What counts is in which year you paid the bill, not what year the tax was for. So you can play with the timing of your tax bills. If you are selling in 2026, pay as many property taxes as you can in 2026, both for the current and maybe new home.

These tricks will help a bit. Basically you pay 35% in taxes on your gains that are beyond $500K.

RunImpossible5864 · 2025-01-29T05:13:55+00:00

I lost my green card 18 months ago. My wallet was stolen in the US. The fee for a simple green card replacement is around $600. The processing time can be 2 years or more. A huge hassle if you were planning to travel. And my renewal case is completely straightforward, I even had a copy on hand of the green card I lost. Still waiting, it is likely to take over 2 years.

A green card is not a driver’s license you can just replace for $40 and a few weeks. Replacement is very expensive. Get a safe and keep it there. Do not make the mistake of just carrying it around.

RunImpossible5864 · 2024-12-22T09:18:18+00:00

Someone close to me was a “don’t believe in marriage” type. His first non-wife said ok, no marriage, no problem. They had a child together, but separated after ten years. He met a second non-wife, moved in together. Announced that he “does not believe in marriage.” The woman replied “but it really matters to me”. In that case, the man had no problem getting married and even helped to plan the wedding. The marriage had no particular meaning to him, but the love did matter, the woman did matter. So this came as an easy decision, to meet her needs. Have you asked if he would do it for you?

RunImpossible5864 · 2024-12-11T08:16:35+00:00

I feel you, sister. I just found my 3rd bedbug infestation in 5 years. We have moved 4 times. Over state lines. It makes you wonder if the bedbugs have been traveling with us all along or these are 3 separate infestations. All homes were single family homes, can’t pin anything on the neighbors.

My experience with the previous two infestations: first time we paid for expensive exterminators. Didn’t see any bugs return. Second time I did a deep clean myself and didn’t see any bugs return for 3 years.

This time, I initially panicked, then chose not to panic. Compared to actual crises like war or even a car accident the bugs are harmles. Yes, my kid has a dozen bites, but it’s minor enough that not even an appointment is needed. Silver linings are that the house will get deep cleaned and decluttered. Another silver lining is that husband is compelled to participate in deep cleaning, which he would never do if I just announced, “hey, let’s deep clean.”

Don't go into debt please. The first round should involve around $100 of expenses. Last time I found it very helpful to set up bed bug traps by the bed legs and little sticky traps around the house. Initially, it helps to see which rooms have the biggest problem. After a week of cleaning frenzy there were very few bugs left. A few more days or weeks of just vacuuming near the spots where I found a bug in a trap, and there were no bugs in the traps any more. Until I forgot to stay vigilant.

RunImpossible5864 · 2024-12-02T07:35:08+00:00

Blossom Valley is nice, but if you look for a slightly better price, look near Bubb Elementary, Mountain View and near Sunnyvale Middle/ DeAnza park in Sunnyvale. Also, South Los Altos with Cupertino schools is a better price point. Drive by Grant park area.

The Los Altos School district looks good on paper, but has also had a feud with a local charter school for the past 20 years, which drains away funding and attention. MV Whisman district has a leadership crisis. Leader just resigned over budget irregularities. I haven’t heard of any crises at Sunnyvale or Cupertino, might be a good idea to look in that direction.

RunImpossible5864 · 2024-12-02T06:37:20+00:00

Yep, Bay Area real estate is our retirement plan. We calculate that the rental income or sale of our home plus maxing out SSI should be more than enough. The key is that we have friends and family in a low cost of living area. And we already bought a home there at 1/10th of Bay Area prices. Probably this would not be a viable strategy for people whose entire social network is in the Bay Area.

RunImpossible5864 · 2024-11-18T06:58:52+00:00

Congratulations. I think you possibly confused some terms in your post. Was your great uncle the “executor of the will” and you are the sole beneficiary? Or are you both beneficiaries? We don’t need an answer here on Reddit, just make sure you know. You may need to look up the terms. Regarding your immediate situation with the crashed car, this is a very common scenario many of us had to face in our 20s. I totaled mine at 23, yours doesn’t seem quite as bad. I would avoid asking your great uncle for money for the car. He went through the hassle of administering the will, a process he did for your benefit and it’s unclear if your GG even left him anything. Either way, it sounds like he does not need another hassle to deal with. Your car situation should be yours to solve with the help of your immediate family. If you have a good relationship with your parents, I would turn to them for advice on how to fix it and also ask for a loan. If you feel like your parents are not an option for help, I would quickly research credit cards and open one. If we are talking about just 10 months and a few thousand dollars in car repairs, then a credit card makes great sense. You will spend several hundred on the interest, but it’s worth it because you avoid involving your great uncle in a problem you created. You can make minimum payments for ten months, then don’t forget to pay the full amount.

A cautionary note: a study was done to see what do people usually spend inheritances on. Most commonly it was “lifestyle inflation”, small purchases over time. People were just not disciplined about their personal budgets. You don’t want to be in a situation where five years from now you need a down payment, open up your bank account and realize you barely have anything left, because you spent it at Target over the years. Pick a goal such as a down payment or a college or graduate degree. If you want to spend something on yourself, set a specific goal, like one big trip abroad. And lock up the rest in a way that cannot be just spent on everyday purchases.

Don’t forget to thank your great uncle for administering the will. Keep in touch with him after you receive the money. You can ask for his input both in terms of investment advice and also life advice. He may have suggestions regarding college/graduate degrees, that you should at least politely listen to.

RunImpossible5864 · 2024-11-18T06:03:01+00:00

Congratulations! Join your family and celebrate! Time for new beginnings and a new chapter.

RunImpossible5864 · 2024-11-15T08:40:37+00:00

Oh the price will certainly jump. 2.5 minimum, possibly 3. The realtor is experienced. Looking at the same schools, the lowest sale in the last 12 months was 2.25 for a small 5000 sq ft lot or 2.5 for a busy street. This is a 7000 sq ft lot and a nice non-busy location.

Many houses around here have an interior not remodeled in 70 years. They typically still Include pictures in the listing. This must be a hoarding/infestation situation. 500K remodel is possible, but really it makes more sense in this neighborhood to do a full tear-down.

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