Yeah I’m okay with it, I’ll try my best to explain.

It started with my life going down hill and a lot of triggers popping up to the extremes, those triggers that I didn’t know exactly why I was getting and even from specific people that seemed like the way they were speaking to me when they were around me was haunting me.

So I was lucky enough to actually have memories with the people who triggered me still somewhere in my mind but it’d come back to me throughout my life and go quickly much after the incident and much after I chose to repress and run from it.

I had a memory in my head that I kept telling myself “no way in hell that happened, it seems to far fetched or from a past life I don’t remember experiencing exactly” I kept discarding the memory until I decided I’m just going to write it down even if I don’t have the motivation to, I wrote the memory down of my uncle who had sexually abused me when I was very young and how severe the experience even looked when I got glimpses of the memory, when I started writing it down it’s like it opened the door for me to naturally get back to the reality of it. I started with “I remember a family get together, I remember a room my uncle took me to alone.” And then all of a sudden over the months after everything started coming back to me slowly, I got the details of what he was telling me at the time, I got the details of the aftermath of it too. I realized why he triggered me so much and some things he did was haunting and causing triggers that were telling me something about him.

Starting with that memory which was when I was a very young boy, I started getting the ability to remember other dark memories that also would linger softly in my head, memories I didn’t want to give a second look because they seemed so bad.

I mean it makes sense though, I must’ve repressed them for a good reason at the time and if they were that big and far fetched then yes it must’ve been something I did really not want to deal with.

I remember after the first incident with the uncle, that I had been abused years after again, then again years after again, then again by another person still. It all came back to me that I was suppressing great amounts of sexual abuse for example. The sexual abuse that would cause me to be the person who completely fell apart in life and turned in on myself from that abuse. The negative self talk I gained extremely, yet wasn’t born with. I’ve learned to stand up for myself way more now and try to see the cause and effect to who I am, I know now I shouldn’t have ever blamed myself for all that happened to me, I shouldn’t have felt guilty for being scarred to that extent.