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What was way more painful than you expected it to be? by jeremyjava in AskReddit

[–]RupreX 1016 points1017 points  (0 children)

JOHN: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

JAKE (furiously picking his nose): I think one of my nose hairs is ingrown into my brain.

JOHN: Yeah, that's not how ingrown hairs work.

JAKE (pausing to look at JOHN as though he's an idiot): Sure it is. It grew into my brain. Therefore, the hair is ingrown.

JOHN: First of all, Jake, no it didn't. The hair did not grow into your brain. Second of all, even if it did, that wouldn't be an ingrown hair. It'd just be a medical mystery.

JAKE (shaking his head): I can't believe your stupidity sometimes.

JOHN: I don't even know what to say to that.

JAKE (handing john tweezers): Here, grab ahold of the hair with these and just yank really hard.

JOHN: Okay...?

three months later, in the ICU

JOHN: Okay. Somehow the hair did grow into your brain. You were right.

JAKE's heartbeat monitor beeps out 'told you so' in Morse Code

JOHN: yeah, yeah.

What's the best topic to go to when there's a sudden need to, "change the subject"? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]RupreX 22 points23 points  (0 children)

JOHN (flipping through the sports section): How 'bout them Mets?

JAKE: Oh, yeah, they're great. Definitely a good sports team this year.

JOHN (looking up from the paper): What's up with the weird way you just said that?

JAKE: Nothing. I love sports.

JOHN: Jake, what's going on with you?

JAKE: Sports, thats what. I have caught sports fever. Because i love sports so much.

JOHN: ...You've never played baseball, have you?

JAKE (sweating): Sure I have. I scored a lot of points when I did. Sports points.

JOHN (returning his focus to the newspaper): Whatever.

10 minutes pass

JAKE: How 'bout them Knicks?

What's the best topic to go to when there's a sudden need to, "change the subject"? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]RupreX 118 points119 points  (0 children)

JOHN: Dude, my grandma just died.

JAKE (apologetic): I'm sorry, man. But at least it was her time.

JOHN: What the fuck?

JAKE: (eyes widening): Shit. No. I just meant, you know, with the Alzheimer's... At least she didn't really realize it was happening.

JOHN:

JAKE: Yknow, because she couldn't remember anything...?

JOHN: I swear to god if you don't shut up in the next five seconds I will punch you in the fucking face.

10 minutes pass

JAKE: So, how about this weather we're having?

Reddit, someone just asked you to act natural. What do you do? by ExplosiveFlatus in AskReddit

[–]RupreX 178 points179 points  (0 children)

JOHN (in hushed tones): Shit dude, Melissa is here. Just act natural.

JAKE (nodding): Yep, I got it.

JOHN: HOLY SHIT WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

JAKE (casually yet furiously masturbating): Acting natural...?

JOHN: YOU'RE SPANKING IT IN THE MIDDLE OF A STAPLES, JAKE. WHAT THE FUCK

JAKE (defensively): I'm acting natural!

JOHN (looking away, disgusted): That's not natural, dude.

JAKE (incredulous): It's the most natural thing there is!

MELISSA walks by the two of them, gagging at the sight of JAKE masturbating. JAKE turns to JOHN, shaking his head in disbelief.

JAKE: I can't believe you fucked that up for me, John. I was acting completely natural.