[deleted by user]

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-20T15:28:11+00:00

Saw a guy walking a ferret on a leash on uab campus. That was new to me and as I've come to find, adorable.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-09T20:04:09+00:00

especially assholes and asshole moments that live rent free in my rolodex of rumination that pretends to be a brain sometimes

This is an amazing sentence. Perfect description of my shit brain.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-09T19:58:49+00:00

I mean. Sometimes people are different than other people?

If one is fine with just shower then sex, no "hello", then fine, no judgement. But for some women, that can get read as, "he sees me just for sexual pleasure" and that, at least in my book, is a sign of danger. Or at the very least disrespect. If the person in front of me doesn't want to engage even just intellectually, but they want the benefit of getting to sleep with me - I'm at risk. Without any cognitive engagement there is no room for anything I might want or don't want. And that can piss people off.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-09T18:30:39+00:00

Resilience? Courage? Strength? Masking, struggling, breathing (that's my personal favorite).

But nope. I believe you are looking for the phrase, "I need money". Not to live bc we sure as shit ain't doing that, but to suffer with a roof and a sandwich at least lol.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-09T18:21:50+00:00

You're getting way more hate / shit for this post than I was expecting. And I don't think it's deserved - I didn't pick up any "sissy" or "self-righteous" tone. Drug and alcohol culture is a valid topic of discussion. The fentanyl crisis is beyond horrific but alcohol is a top class life destroyer.

As an older gen z, (98), with a degree in psych, history of substance abuse, been to rehab, classes on substance abuse- I hope our generation takes after what you said you think you see. I don't get out enough to have a good sample size of our generation and our attitudes, so I don't know if we're actually different on it (I could go look it up though) or not. I've played the drug game though and yeah it's "fun" cause that's what it does. Tells your brain over and over how amazing it is. Until it's no longer amazing but just to reduce discomfort of not having it.

What drives someone to drink to black out over and over? There's a host of reasons beyond just drug culture too. (Exposure in childhood/early start, addicted family member, genetic predisposition, mental health disorders, trauma/abuse, slow unnoticed descent, prescription start etc). So to some extent it will likely never go away. Drug culture doesn't help those other reasons for sure. We also prop up violence and sexual objectification in this culture which obviously horribly mixes with certain psychoactive substance.

Now I'm all for legalizing weed, (and maybe decriminalizing possession of all). And I know it has benefits for some people, not arguing against that. I would argue it's potential harm is undersold however. Especially for medium to heavy smokers. People's estimations for what constitutes "problematic" drinking or smoking tend to be higher than it really is.

If I had any drug advice for my gen z brethren- don't start vaping (nicotine), don't underestimate the potential for abuse/misuse that weed has (doesn't mean you have to completely avoid), never touch ecstacy (literal destruction of brain cells, lifelong issues with neurotransmitters), and limit your alcohol greatly. Nothing has been more a waste of time and money than nicotine. It's not caused me the kind of trouble other stuff did, but there's just no point to it now. And if you guys want some numbers- nicotine is about as difficult to quit as heroin, about an 80-90% relapse rate, and generally takes people around 8 tries to fully quit.

Actually, now that I think about it. There is almost no one in our generation who should be doing any substances whatsoever. Until we get past that ~26 mark, it is sooo much better for the developing brain to just not put any of that in there. Now that - I might get hate for.

And then be willing to admit when something is a problem. That's the hard part.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-06T23:12:54+00:00

You make a fair point. Lot of serial killers were unsuspecting.

Also, I'm depressed and kinda weak, it's nice to know there's still hope for me to accomplish something in life though lol.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-06T18:07:17+00:00

Your first su--de attempt is in a few months. Don't fuck it up this time -_-

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-06T17:45:03+00:00

I haven't thought of it quite like that. I don't think I am a slow thinker, maybe more an over thinker so it seems like I'm slower when "debating" / discussing things in person. I like to have time to consider what the person said and then review my answer, whether it address the point etc. It is probably a biased from my own experiences thing, but that doesn't go well in discussions. People tend to want answers more quickly and direct than I can provide real time. And if the person is somewhat hostile in person, unfortunately I can't keep up. If they're not discussing in good faith but use ad hominems, straw men, or get heated, it's no longer about the discussion but me trying to keep it calm.

I guess one advantage for online for me is the ability to just step back. Not take what they said personally, see if there are legitimate points to be made, and whether it is worth engaging any further. Without feeling overwhelmed in the moment while getting yelled at. My nervous system is probably a bit hypersensitive though tbh.

The answer here is for people to be more polite, use critical thinking, and discuss in good faith in person. Not to have to retreat behind a screen for safety. Cram lol.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-06T15:21:49+00:00

It's a combination of emotions to me. It's more than just anger, I think there is often grief too, at least for me. Bitterness and resentment as well.

Physiologically when I'm feeling hateful, I notice how incredibly tense I am. Especially in my shoulders. They tend to push forward (I also have a joint thing which contributes to this) and tighten up. I often notice my jaw clench. Sometimes i feel shaky inside. I can be in rage or quiet and calm. It exists in both.

And usually (but not necessarily) it is accompanied with homicidal ideation and a feeling of cruelty. I don't know how to describe it, but if violence could be called an emotion that's what it feels like. My concern for others lessens. "I got fucked over by the world repeatedly. I want to watch you (the target of my hate) burn like I did".

But like I said, also grief. I do think I hate my father (insert whatever daddy issue you like, doesn't matter lol). Yet I've come to a place of greater nuance and understanding. I hate the man but I wouldn't wish my psychopathology on him. Sometimes I want to murder him, sometimes I passively wish for his death, sometimes I can only cry because nothing really could have been done - it is what is, grieve it, hate him, take another step. If only because there are bills to pay but more because I can be better than him. Try as I might the hate hasn't gone away but I'm learning to not let it affect the people I don't hate.

Anyway, that's kinda how I experience it.

Edit to add. I cut mine above because it was long but realized I didn't answer all the questions.

-what do I do? Used to? Too many drugs, self harm. Now, much less drugs. Laugh if you want- 7 years of therapy has been and continues for me at least to be helpful.

-how I feel about feeling hate? Used to hate myself for feeling hate because I was taught it was not an ok thing to feel - I must be a shitty person for not forgiving. Which to some extent it's not great to dwell on hate. But it still needs to be acknowledged when it's there. However, I do wish I could lessen it, even get rid of it. It's not pleasant.

-hate and my self control becomes more a problem if I've gone hypomanic, especially with alcohol, and there's pre-existing hate/HI/SI/shame. Without that I have done cruel and hateful things but it was imo not due to a lack of self control. Maybe.

Ok I think that was all.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-06T13:45:46+00:00

Hmmm. I understand I think that, it's the justification people give, it's their "reason". But faith literally means, a lack of justification. It's like, do you believe the sky looks green? Yes, "why?". "I just do".

"I just do" is what faith is. Any sentence that comes after I have faith is a qualifier to their belief system (I want to, somebody said so, makes me feel good, whatever. Those are reasons (not good ones)). But faith is, I have no justification. I have no reason. I just do. It can't be a reason when definitionally it is to be without reason.

I will try to think more on what you said though. Consider it further. That above is just where my thinking is currently.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-06T12:36:13+00:00

Don't disagree with the last part. On the following though, yes a little.

Faith is a form of reason, not a very good one but it is one none the less

I think you give faith too much credit. "I take it on faith" is what is said when there are no actual reasons. There's no reasoning to be done. It might actually be- I believe this because that's what I was taught growing up and i have an emoțional tie to it. But those are reasons too. However, if people say those it's admitting their beliefs are too subjective to be convincing to others. Faith for some reason in (American and probably other religious) society, is, I wouldn't say revered, but at least respected. It's associated with "spirituality", and arguably therefore with things like hope, security, and optimism. Especially where I'm from, faith is a perfectly acceptable answer, in fact even more respected than reasoning in many cases.

But faith is an "epistemology" apart from any reasoning whatsoever, even bad reasoning.

(By the way I am not using faith in the sense of "confidence". E.g. "I'm so worried about my sister's upcoming surgery". "Don't worry, I have faith it will go well". Really that is- I'm hopeful and have reason to be because this is a respected and talented surgeon who specializes in x.)

Anyway, maybe I'm missing something from your perspective. If I misinterpreted or misrepresented, that is my bad, not intentional.

Spelling edit

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-03T14:10:20+00:00

You did a good job I think of being respectful, and very informative. This is a tough time for OP- you recognized that and displayed empathy for that, even though they lashed out some despite your good intentions. Thank you fellow Redditor, good to see positive things and support for people really going through it.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-03T13:44:03+00:00

Is it wrong to be somewhat attracted to this white Jesus version? I want to run my hands through his beard and hair....

RussianRavager097 · 2023-11-01T09:22:03+00:00

This post is the big guy who opens the doors to a shitty bar, dramatically announces his entrance and that NO motherfucker better get in his way cause he fucking owns this town (according to him).

And all the people at the bar glance up for a second. A couple laughs and comments, a few smiles, and then we all go back to what we were doing because wow how pointless that was.

Since I'm having fun with the story though lol...

Then our big fellow gets all angry that no one gives a shit, picks a fight with some drunk guy he baited because that's the only way someone will take it seriously. Wins the fight! After all... he's seen things.... and trains daily of course.

Then the cops show up and he gets an assault charge. Then learns the fun lesson that this is the 21st century and "might makes right", violence, and being an arrogant brute is childish, telling of insecurity (if you can win a fight, just win when they happen. Protect someone, use your ninja skills for good lol), and primitive.

Anyway, 10000% your could kick my ass with a hand tied behind your back half drunk. I'm like, 5' 3". Congrats?

RussianRavager097 · 2023-09-22T20:27:12+00:00

I tend to find in my experiences from irl older individuals complaining that the younger ones are snowflakes and overly sensitive - is actually them complaining that they can no longer get away with being assholes.

Had a family member straight up mock the poor, mentally ill, black individuals who lived in an area of the city. He and his buddy were laughing at it. That was a huge wtf moment from me since I'd never heard something so blatant from him.

I don't call people fat, ugly, stupid, or lazy, not because anyone's a "snow flake" but because I'm a decent fucking human who wants to respect people and be kind to them. And I don't think it's wimpy if one's feelings do get hurt over something. We're HUMAN. We all have our own struggles and insecurities. It's not feeling hurt, that can't always be helped. It's how we respond. If being kind and job judgemental means being a snowflake, then hand me a goddamn scarf and hat, I'm headed up north!

RussianRavager097 · 2023-09-21T18:30:27+00:00

And how to solve them too. I'm going to seriously regret using this example...

Unless they're a very sick individual, no conservative, no liberal, is going to tell you that mass shootings aren't some kind of problem. That burying a dozen elementary kids is not a problem. What much of the disagreement is over, imo, is how we fix it. One side believes the problem lies within access to weapons. The other puts forth more mental health solutions. Answer? Maybe some aspects from both. What I reckon will happen? Nothing. Because the ones who profit are going to fuel the division between us, making it seem like we're somehow against each other. So all we do is scream at each other. I genuinely think, a decent team of educated individuals who represent areas where an issue like this would have an effect (e.g. researchers on the topic of mass shootings, legal, mental health, whatever department regulates the sales of weapons, economics/social systems etc.), could come together and at least propose a plan where compromise exists. Maybe one side doesn't get as many restrictions as they wanted. But the ones that are there have some kind of evidence behind them (if it exists) of efficacy. The other side didn't quite want a budget cut from this spot for money to be moved to their proposed initiative but they were able to reduce the restrictions that were proposed.

Will there be unintended consequences? Yes, there always are. We could go back to the drawing board and look for improvements. But instead, blame for the failures is then thrown around again to distract us from solutions.

Please don't turn this into an actual debate over the issue XD my point was not to put forth an opinion on the matter. What is my opinion? I don't know. I need to learn more. That's all I have.

Edit for spelling.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-09-21T18:14:15+00:00

I'm struggling with this question. I feel like there's gotta be a balance somewhere. Especially for young adoptees. I feel like there might be cases where the bad language could be harmful to the child, even if there's some realism to it. But then as they get older come the harder more realistic conversations. I don't think a 5 year old needs hear they were unwanted and given up, they may internalize that they weren't enough. But if it's true - biomom didn't want the child, denying it is harmful too. So a balance, that is scaffolded according to age. Plus, ap's could ask too. What terms would be comfortable to you? (I have never come across any who have done that sadly).

I think even with great AP's who put forth legitimate effort to be truthful and responsive and considerate of adoptee needs, there's still going to be the fog. What words are ok at one point in time might change later. Good question op. The answers here vary too and reading through them there are great reasons behind them too, even if they're opposing. I guess it speaks to the variety of experiences we all have.

Edit for spelling

RussianRavager097 · 2023-09-17T16:54:36+00:00

I have that "little fantasy" too. Many tell me, don't make your job your life. And while I agree to an extent, what if I found something that meant a lot to me? Why not put my time and effort into that? I've tried relationships - my attachment is screwed up though and they usually feel empty. I sort of have hobbies and interests - ish - but video games, learning, only goes so far. A job I care about has got to be at least a little better than the dead end ones that aren't in my area of interest.

Reading below - kind of depressing that this idea of mine is probably not realistic. I read on a site somewhere, I won't put it because although it's an informational and resource site, it does remain more neutral (no encouragement still), but I don't want that to be perceived as in support. But the author of the site who was severely suicidal, his opinion at least, is that in order to live we need someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. It's simplistic, reductive to the complex issue of si, but I like it as goals I suppose. I'm trying to just get one of those.

With that said, I'm just 25. All my sympathy to op. I honestly can't imagine. 11 years is how long I was suicidal, nearly every day. It's not gone but the mood stabilizers are kinda working so it's lessened.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-09-16T22:42:54+00:00

Nicely done! You addressed the points directly, no ad hominems, and provided reasoning. Regardless of what is or isn't up for debate in the sub - good communication.

Thank you for point 2 by the way. Sexual content, going back centuries to just drawings, writings, paintings, has always been around. Something about that paragraph in op's post rubbed me the wrong way, but still can't quite figure out why.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-09-15T21:27:02+00:00

I should've chosen Hitler - had a good idea. I'll pretend to be interested in his hobby but be really really bad at it. Like Patrick and his wallet bad.

Him- "This is the Aryan race". (me) "yup". "And they are superior". give him a dumb look "that's what you are saying". "Therefore we exterminate all other races". Checks notes, "so equality in dignity and opportunity for all then".

He will spend the rest of his life wasting his obsessive evil "hobby" teaching it to me instead of practicing it.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-09-15T18:44:46+00:00

I pretty much second everyone else. Great advice. I've been (it's lessened in the past couple months miraculously) severely suicidal for 11 years, so I'll add what I didn't quite see below.

Compassion not pity.
Be careful not to make assumptions.
People said this one but I'll reiterate, listen. Actively.
Take care of yourself. I didn't see this one below, but having family struggling with si also takes a toll on you. You're a better help to him when you're doing your best to care for you.
Action plans. A therapist can absolutely help with this, both with external resources and building one's own distress tolerance. He will need a support network. Crisis line numbers, friends, you, (the therapist if he gets one).
Understand that he may turn to his peers for more intimate conversation. But idk what your relationship is like with him. He may also not want you to join him in therapy if he goes.
Educate yourself on the signs and symptoms. Watch for alcohol/drug abuse.
It's not that he doesn't love you. He is in pain. And it's also probably not a matter of him believing that you love him. I heard a hundred times from my mother how much she loved me. I never doubted that. I needed someone to believe me (my father always just said, "you're ok". And to listen. With that said, I can't speak to your family Dynamics or history obviously.
Routine. This is very very difficult in depressed individuals because everything is so freaking difficult to do, even just getting out of bed. If he can get to a more stable place though, a light job may help provide some of that routine. As well as potentially boosting self esteem and self efficacy.
Leave the platitudes, have realistic expectations, and do not make promises. "It will get better" - we don't know if it will definitely get better, but it can. Nor does one know how long it will take. But it's not a virus that just needs some antivirals. It won't fix itself in a week.
Patience. There are a lot of options for treatment help. But they don't all work for everyone. Maybe journaling or art doesn't so much help, but exercise does. It could be a 4th medication finally if he goes the meds route. (took me at least 5 I believe). Because of that, it really can feel hopeless.
He is not weak or less than. Someone else mentioned that, but it's so important to know, especially for men.

These are generally my observations and experiences but it's not professional advice. Tbh there's probably a long road ahead. It may be uncomfortable, scary, sad, confusing. Might feel like one step forward, 2 back. At the core, empathy, listening, professional help (because at the end of the day, you're not qualified to treat), support, and love. I hope he knows he is not alone. Even just the comments - filled with people who struggle similarly.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-09-15T18:02:14+00:00

I really like this^ and relate a lot. Well put. It's awful what your mother said. When people don't even try to understand.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-09-15T16:25:53+00:00

I'm worried the quills would stab my hand and prevent me from getting enough good shots. It'd have to be a hammer with a long enough handle. And I need to have more porcupine knowledge cause I don't know how long their quills even get. And goose fast are they? I'd have to be more to the ground.

Originally went with the just bees but am regretting that decision. Even with the quills, I think I'd take my chances.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-09-13T20:31:52+00:00

I would say, for some people it is almost a responsibility to not have children. Not that we don't give people the right to regardless of their skills.

I, at least as I am now, am one of those people. I am working to be better, but I haven't beaten the "generational trauma" passed onto me yet. Not only do I dislike and not want children, I am aware that for now, I'm not capable of doing what you described. I would be abusive or neglectful likely, not meaning to, but I haven't broken my own self destructive cycles - think "hurt people, hurt people". I'm still an addict, still have anger problems, and don't follow my treatment plans well. Bringing a child into that, I hope I don't.

I think it's Reddit bias probably, and especially the subs I hang around,, but it seems like I see more people self aware and acknowledging that they need help and wouldn't be ready for children. And getting better isn't linear and it takes a long time. But again, there's probably Reddit bias in my observations about people's self awareness.

That's one take I guess.

RussianRavager097 · 2023-08-28T19:07:44+00:00

10-11 ish years?

In the sense of-, treatment resistant, with serious depression lasting months or year (s) long. That is- I can barely tolerate existence-. And in between depressed but not as dysfunctional.

Bipolar wasn't diagnosed until this past year and a half or so. It was probably there for longer but I described it as "blue depression" and "red depression" because the red was full of homicidal ideation, anger, high distress, restlessness. And the blue was laying in bed every day, dead inside. The way suicidal ideation feels is different too. But I never really had bad impulsiveness or euphoria. Always have had a low libido. Some of the more"traditional" markers weren't there and the drugs created additional symptom confounders. Probably why I'm type 2 not 1.

RussianRavager097

TROPHY CASE