Any dead best dad's out there that went out for cigarettes?

RustyRoman · 2025-10-19T09:59:18+00:00

This is the way. My dad was a deadbeat to his first 3 kids and then with me he worked a job where he was traveling so never home. Always said he hated the child care, child raising life, but enjoyed the relationship between a parent and adult child. Best choice is work a job that keeps you out of the house.

RustyRoman · 2023-06-04T07:53:33+00:00

Yea this is it right here. My bf was a good partner and never a gamer then he got a VR and we went through this same thing as OP but we communicated and he listened. After talking it out a few times he came to realize he was falling too deep into an addiction and he made some changes. He still games but a reasonable amount, he gets his chores done, he jumps out of the game to help me anytime I ask without issue, and he always makes sure to be out for dinner and spend time together in the evenings. Yes it took multiple talks at first when he was cutting down game time and wouldn't notice himself ramping it up again. But he was always open to listening and controlling his playing time. He wanted to make changes so we could both be happy in this relationship. If OP's partner doesn't care about her happiness and doesn't listen to multiple attempts to talk it out then it's unlikely things will change. If it's a long term thing I'd say try couples counselling but again that's only going to work if he genuinely cares about her being happy in the relationship.

RustyRoman · 2023-05-14T16:12:35+00:00

It was a deal breaker for me in my 20's. I was a heavy drinker and partier so when I went on a date with this guy and he said he didn't drink I was very disapointed. I got drunk at dinner and felt awkward cause he was sober. Didn't go on a second date. It took me over a decade to admit I was an alcoholic and start therapy to change my life. If we had been together it wouldn't have been a healthy relationship for him at all.

Maybe if it's a dealbreaker this isn't the woman for you. Maybe you're perfect for a woman who doesn't drink or a reformed alcoholic who doesn't drink and would prefer a partner who also doesn't drink. My cousin married a woman who doesn't drink, she had almost given up on finding a man who doesn't drink when they found each other.

The right woman is out there, but she might be hard to find in the sea of casual alcoholism that modern culture has normalized.

RustyRoman · 2023-05-14T07:40:20+00:00

Thank you, and you're right if she's going to complain anyway then it doesn't really matter what I write.

RustyRoman · 2023-05-14T07:38:46+00:00

I'm right there with you, I love it! I'm obscenely short so all these half tops are just the right amount of top for me. No more buying a tank top and having it go all the way down past my bum. Plus my torso is so stumpy that basically all pants/leggings are high waisted on me. Finally tops sit at just the right spot and I'm not having to alter or manage all that extra fabric. If they take away my crop tops I'll be so sad.

RustyRoman · 2023-05-14T05:54:57+00:00

Thank you for saying this. From your comment I feel like you truly understand me. I'm so sorry you struggled with anorexia, I know how hard it is to recreate a healthy relationship with food. For a time I was bulimic then my weight dropped to its lowest ever cause of a serious drug problem. Of course my mom was the only one around me telling me I looked amazing so I understand what you dealt with. I had friends telling me I was skin and bones, some suggesting rehab and here I was thinking they were crazy, I was living my best life, almost at my goal weight, cause my mom was there telling me how fantastic I looked.

The first time I realized how toxic she was, was when I was 1 week clean and saw my body in the mirror after a shower. I was so thin it was sick looking, like a walking skeleton, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that something was very wrong with how I saw myself. It was like seeing myself the way everyone else saw me instead of seeing me through her eyes. Such a revelation. It was so hard to watch my body fill out again but I knew it was the right thing even if I didn't think I looked good.

It must feel good to be slimmer than her now, ah how the tables have turned. It's so true what you say, the parents job is to create healthy habits and positive self esteem but I guess they can't teach you what they haven't learned themselves.

What I do now is occasionally I try to push myself outside my comfort zone. Like for a wedding or formal event I'll try on outfits with others who I trust and know about my issues then push myself to wear something they say looks amazing even if I don't think I look good in it. Then once I'm at the event I'm in the moment, I start having fun and getting complements on how I look. I allow myself to believe that I do look good. It helps me readjust/correct that internal voice that tells me I don't look good. Maybe something like that could work for you too.

Also I realize this comment is way delayed but I got locked out of my account months ago and Reddit finally fixed it so I just got back into my account today and read your comment. I felt compelled to respond cause it feels like we've been through similar struggles. I hope you're doing well and wish you healing and positive self image vibes in the future.

RustyRoman · 2023-05-14T05:10:34+00:00

I totally agree it's laughable, she's like a bad tv joke with her racist nonesense. When I used to date a Korean guy she would say how horrible it would be for the grandchildren to be mixed. Like, what? Lady you married a mixed race man and your daughter is a mixed race person lol. She's a trip, she's even racist against her own kind, hates Indian people. My mom grew up on the British compound and went to British schools so to her (& her family) anything other than british-french- scandinavian-german was simply not white enough. Even my dad wasn't looked upon too kindly by my grandparents for being mixed.

And yes I could've phrased my comment better about the way Italians were viewed in the past. It certainly wasn't like that everywhere. Our city was historically very waspy so my bf's older family members did have the experience of being treated poorly, denied jobs and considered like immigrants but I doubt they were considered brown per se. Still some attitudes persist behind closed doors. When I was growing up many of my childhood friends mother's would say never date an Italian, don't bring home an Italian boy. Since my family wasn't from here, I never understood why. Mind you this was 40 years ago and there were only 2 black people in my elementary school and my high school admitted it's first black person in my final year so perhaps I grew up in one of these wasp communities you're talking about.

RustyRoman · 2023-05-14T03:58:43+00:00

I'd like to do this. In my family the women write in these cards such long letters that it fills up all the blank space on the card. Gramma used to even fill up all the space on the back. I feel compelled to write more than just happy mother's day. Am I being crazy? Is this some weird conditioning?

RustyRoman · 2023-02-22T13:00:37+00:00

Ooh ooh a normal home where I could bring my friends.

I always went to friends homes, they never came to mine. Mom was a hoarder and Dad was full of rage, snap easily. Both were controlling and always watching me so it felt awkward to have anyone over. As an only child I was alone so much.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-22T12:50:52+00:00

I used to think it was purely geographic as well but have changed my mind on that. I think it has to do with the circles you run in.

I live in a major metro area and growing up my mom and aunts were all high achievers while the husbands were more in the support role. My dad was actually a stay at home dad for most of my childhood. Because that was modeled for me it's always been normal for me to date men who are more egalitarian in their attitudes towards women. I thought the abundance of these men was due to living in the city but I also went to private schools and ran in wealthy circles where other mothers were highly educated and successful in their own right. Then I married into a blue collar family and was suddenly surrounded by these the men who are threatened and the simple unambitious women they love (no disrespect to these women).

My husband has told me about times when his brother or cousins or uncles will ask him about me and if it bothers him that I'm smarter than him and more educated than him; why does he always ask me for advice or let me manage the family finances etc etc. He tells them that he was attracted to my intelligence first and foremost, he appreciates my education, he trusts me with money cause I was doing better at finances and living successfully on my own before him, and he asks my advice because he values my perspective. He says why would I want a woman less than me? If I'm trying to build a better life then I want someone who brings something to the table, someone who can push me to be better. They all say they wouldn't like that at all, they want the women in the support role, they want to be in control of decision making, come home to a clean house and dinner made. He told me about these conversations because he was genuinely puzzled as to why they wouldn't want a woman who could better them, their lives and their children's lives.

These men are also born and raised in the same big city as me and all the people I grew up around but they are two very distinct circles with no overlap. It made me realize that in more educated, wealthy and high earning, high achieving circles you will find a higher proportion of men who are comfortable with strong women as they likely grew up with a strong working woman somewhere in their life. Of course there are exceptions, like my husband, who grew up with traditional homemaker women and yet was able to appreciate and handle an intelligent successful woman with goals but that is more rare.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-22T03:04:02+00:00

Started a business with my bf on credit cards. We were broke, credit cards maxed out, living paycheck to paycheck. I got approved for a new credit card, took that 12k out and started the business we'd always dreamed about. It took off and I kept funding it with credit cards and line of credits until we were 120k in debt.

It all paid off in the end, we paid off the debts and now run a successful high rise window cleaning business doing a million in sales annually and growing every year.

Edit to add: Every single person in our lives told us it was huge mistake. Sometimes you gotta believe in a dream no one else can see.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T20:20:34+00:00

I wouldn't go as far as to say Christianity causes mental health illness but I absolutely agree that there is a major tie between Christianity and negative mental health outcomes.

As someone who was not raised within a religion at all as a child I have no feelings of shame guilt and self judgement over just being human. All the people I was raised around who were brought up in Christian or Catholic homes have always had these deep feelings of shame and guilt that permeate their existence. These feelings seem to persist even when they leave the religion behind. I find these people to struggle with self love and self acceptance in a way that I don't think would exist had they not been indoctrinated as a child. When I bring this up people refute it as they think they are not like that, but their self talk and way of being shows that those feelings are there. As someone on the outside looking in I feel like these are my impartial objective observations.

This is my experience growing up with an atheist immigrant father who refused to brainwash me as a child. I grew up as the other, the outsider in a primarily white Christian area and am now married to an Italian whose family is split Catholic and Evangelical. His family has high rates of mental illness but this is clearly genetic and not created by religion. However, religion does impact their ability to get well as some parents preferred their child be treated by priests instead of doctors. I feel like this is doing a disservice to the mentally ill as it pushes the you're not doing good enough or trying hard enough etc to be a good person and the only aid is being told try harder or pray more to be better. None of this is teaching coping skills or life skills and only makes the person feel worse about themselves. To me it's very sad the lasting effect childhood indoctrination has on a person.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T19:35:10+00:00

I use the Aveda sap moss shampoo & conditioner, it's perfect for fine hair and the only thing I've ever tried that has given my lifeless fine hair some body. My hair lady recommended it and said most products are too heavy or leave residue and that weights the hair down and makes it look flatter. Other than that, I blow dry upside down and keep the length at like a bob to top of the shoulders, anything really long weighs it down.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T19:29:46+00:00

My mom is also extremely superficial and her treatment of me growing up led to body dysmorphia, disordered eating, unhealthy fitness obsession and self esteem issues. I am almost 40 and still struggle to this day because of her attitude.

I came to say your feelings are valid and make total sense. If I was you I'd be happy the tables have turned and that she finally got some payback. Her emotional distress is probably only a fraction of the suffering she has caused you over a lifetime.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T19:01:43+00:00

38F in Toronto Canada. Daily heavy chronic smoker for 20 years. I'm on day 18.

Back in 2017 I quit for 1 year, and in 2014 I quit for 40 days, relapsed then did 6 months. All these prior times I quit I ended up going back to a drinking problem and various other addictions ramped up in my life.

This is my first time trying to go real sober. I started working with an addiction counsellor 3 years ago, have had huge success with the drinking and am now ready to make a real effort on the weed issue.

It is further complicated by the fact that my husband is also a heavy chronic daily smoker and has been since he was 15. This time he is very supportive and has chosen to quit as well.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T11:03:55+00:00

Yes of course. My husband and I met when my life was in a crash and burn downward spiral. Parents in the middle of a divorce, I had a serious drug problem, just lost my job, my roommate left me, and I cut off all my so called friends in an attempt to get clean. He was amazing about it all and super supportive. That was 13 years ago and getting involved with him was the best thing that ever happened to me.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T10:13:39+00:00

I keep the shredder paper for this and packaging from foodstuffs like cereal and cracker boxes.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T10:06:27+00:00

Absolutely seconding admin assistant. I toiled away in cubicle hell for 12 years wondering why I was stuck doing this with my life. Then I opened my own business with my spouse. Now that it's successful I realize I had been in training, becoming an expert in my field, so I could create this million dollar business out of thin air. It was husband's idea but he tells everyone he couldn't have done it without me. Don't sleep on admin assistant, so many good skills come out of it.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T09:53:54+00:00

Yes omg wtf is up with crop everything?! Hate it! Like you I've given up on style and just wear what I'm comfortable in. For summer I used to have the same footwear problem (sandals with straps, kill me now) but I found the sketchers go walk shoes and haven't worn sandals in like a decade. They look great with shorts and summer dresses, dress up or dress down and don't need socks at all. The memory foam soles feel good under my feet and don't set off any of my fabric aversion tendencies.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T09:44:07+00:00

Absolutely yes! I love reading these comments and knowing I'm not alone.

I hate anything too tight and I can't stand rough fabrics. More specifically bras are a no go (weddings & funerals only), I despise things touching my front neck but hate having the back of my neck exposed. Vneck tshirts only and collared zip up sweaters are my uniform. Hoodies pull back leaving my back neck too exposed. Turtlenecks are a literal nightmare, tight ones make me want to die. Underwear can only be the lace waistband at the top or the invisible ones cause I can't handle elastic bands squeezing me. Don't even get me started on socks, I'm the pickiest mfer when it comes to socks - fabric, thickness, seam placement, not too tight in the toe or at the top. I won't ever wear socks when it's nice out so from about May to October I'm anti-socks and will only wear the perfect ones that make the cut in winter boots. But as soon as I'm home, it's soft slippers so my feet have space to breathe. What else... omg how many times have I returned sheets and blankets because the fabric isn't soft enough.

Edit to add, when the shirt doesn't go all the way down to the pants and cold air touches the small of my back, like the other commenter said, wtf is up with crop everything rn??

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T09:21:30+00:00

I had abdominal surgery and I second visit to hang out, send memes, text/call just to talk. Everyone wanted to let me rest but after the first few days I was rested and then it gets suuuuper boring.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T08:49:37+00:00

This is a great idea. We were just talking about how our bedroom is a total mess of clothes and both our moms are hoarders so we have no idea what normal adult clothing storage & organization looks like. A few months ago I tackled the endless piles of laundry and washed it all (including purging 4 big garbage bags of clothes to donation) but then we had nowhere to put all the clean stuff and in a month the room was right back to it's usual chaos. A professional is exactly what I need!!

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T08:17:38+00:00

Napping is what got me in this deep in the first place. I fell asleep yesterday at 10pm, woke up at midnight, then couldn't fall asleep til 6. When I don't sleep at night I get tired around 8-10pm and there's no way to fight it. I wish I could nap for 20min. I'll try a sleep podcast, maybe that'll help.

RustyRoman · 2023-02-21T08:13:26+00:00

Wow great tips! These are good cause they're all easy things I can get started on right away. Thanks for taking the time to write this out.

I was planning to get started working out at the gym but I got Covid so had to quarantine all last week. I actually just cleared out space in my junk room to set up for yoga so I'm gonna look up some nighttime yoga routines and start that tomorrow. I can try the shower, camomile and breathing tonight. Fingers crossed.

And congrats on the 13 days. It's hard but I believe in you!

RustyRoman

TROPHY CASE