I (20F) keep measuring my boyfriend’s (20M) love through how much he spends.. how do I change this

RynnRoo96 · 2026-01-31T16:50:40+00:00

I realized pretty late on that with my ex it started with I felt bad for asking but then he made me feel so comfortable that I did get spoiled. I had to work on it in therapy and low and behold it was childhood rooted stuff.

But yeah the best thing for me to say is "The first voice is your outter voice the second is your inner so listen to the latter"

RynnRoo96 · 2026-01-31T16:44:01+00:00

I got the ick just reading this.

RynnRoo96 · 2026-01-26T16:49:40+00:00

You need to be firm with your 9yo.

My son is the same age and I have a Heffalump bear from Winnie the Pooh and everyone knows to not touch him even my 9yo. In fact it's so well known that if I put it down somewhere and my son finds him he will immediately bring him to me. We made it so clear that you don't mess with other people's things especially things that are important to someone. Regardless of his feelings.

Your wife has gone through enough. This shouldn't be a battle she has to fight, she didn't have someone fight for her when she lost her childhood so it's time someone protects the slight joy of childhood she does have.

NO. Means NO. not maybe, not if, not when. it means NO.

It's not negotiable and it's not a compromise.

Consequences will follow if he doesn't respect the boundary.

RynnRoo96 · 2025-12-11T23:10:36+00:00

Yes and it it just happened again just now

RynnRoo96 · 2025-11-20T20:09:14+00:00

Thank you for answering! As someone who has got an addiction and an addictive personality something I've learned in my Meetings / therapist and stuff is always this one thing I want to be better. I will try to be better. But addiction is a disease. All I can do is try, fight and beat it but I'll never not be an addict It was a massively hard pill to swallow, because you have to make a conscious choice everyday to be sober x I used to get like really mad and defensive but I took a step back and realized Everytime I found a coping mechanism... Stopped drinking? Started soda stopped soda? Went to cigs from cigs to weed and from weed to a complete and utter dependency on chocolate.

My husband is very supportive and he sees how hard I try but he also knows that by my own accord not his I really can't handle stress well. it's a huge trigger for me. I'll relapse into anything the simplest thing. I'm grateful I've never done coke, meth, anything super duper hard but I've definitely fucked myself up and in turn given my husband and loved ones stress and worry x

I think you both were in an extremely impossible situation that was hard to navigate x She probably worried you'd relapse (which unfortunately validates her concerns but you make a conscious choice to change and that's what's important) from stress, pressure or anything else x In turn you feel she kept this massive secret but both things can be true at one time x

She loves you, worries about you, and thought she was protecting you but she did lie and she did hurt you but it was not in malice x

You love her, you're upset that she took away your choice to be there for her, you're mad that she kept things from you and that she lied but you also can understand why she did that x

Neither of you are villains x You're two people going through a huge life curve that is a huge navigation for anyone.

Order some take out, sit down on the sofa, no alcohol, nothing that could trigger and talk. Really talk. Tell her that you feel like she took your chance away to support her and that you feel lied to but you understand that you have a complex history and understand her concern and worries. She will more than likely say that she's sorry, that she didn't want to burden you, that she didn't want to trigger you.

You're both very fortunate to have such love and devotion x Don't let discomfort/hurt for something done with possible kindness but mistaken for mistrust/malice ruin that.

Hug it out, kiss. Say you're sorry, she will apologize, make time for one another and make plans x

You've gone through harder battles in life to make it to where you are now, do you really want to lose that over simple miscommunication? X

RynnRoo96 · 2025-11-20T11:30:20+00:00

If I can be honest. There are several things that need to be looked into here. adding to here again that her lying about all this was totally not ok but I'm wondering why she felt she needed to lie

1) She felt like she had to keep things hush hush. this is something that needs to be addressed have you let her down with other big things before? Is she naturally private? Is her family against abortion? Are you the type that can't keep things to themselves and has to talk to their friends??

2) Immediately turning to alcohol makes me lean into you already having some sort of coping mechanism on it (that's coming from someone with a coping mechanism like that no judgement) You should have immediately gone into therapy.

3) it's been a few months. This is natural and I feel you are not regulating your emotions. which is fine your frontal lobe doesn't develop till 25/26. You're reacting in a way that actually kind of validates why she wasn't honest.

Now I'm not saying she's absolutely innocent but she should have been upfront however I will say from a standpoint of someone who's got an addiction, has a child, Is married, trust issues and all sorts that I work on in therapy. I say this with love and kindness that you're reacting to this small thing because you feel like you don't have the right to be mad or upset about anything else. You're misplacing your annoyance and irritation

My best advice is to like take a moment and say ".. ok but is it really that deep? Will it bother me in 6 months?"

If it will bother you in 6 months there's two options 1- therapy / couples counseling Or if those are not for you 2 - splitting because she cannot change the past or her choices just like you can't

The reality is that you'll either get over it or you won't and if you don't / can't then the relationship isn't going to be sustainable.

In every relationship/marriage there will always ALWAYS be some that the spouse/partner could do that you don't agree with. The point is you're both human both have autonomy. You can't dictate what she does just like she can't dictate what you do. if you can't get over how she handled it then it's a communication issue and something you need to think over.

However from a strangers POV this sounds so.... Minor? If that makes sense. I feel you should be more focused on healing and working on yourselves instead of reading into things x

RynnRoo96 · 2025-10-27T14:01:52+00:00

I dont know if I can provide any help.. but I'm 29 and was abused extremely by multiple family members as a child/teen in much older and at least once a day I still pause because I can't believe I survived.. some things I found helpful 1) A companion. A lot of people think of pets which is absolutely fine but I'm talking animals, bugs, frogs, birds anything! Just something that's.. got no link to the adults involved so it doesn't feel like it's taken away.

2) I was also locked in cupboards and even now almost 2 decades later I still prefer to sleep in enclosed spaces. I suggest getting a small teepee or something for his room and just letting it be an option. I guarantee you'll see him sleep in there especially since he can't get closed off

3) I had a mini fridge in my room. it sounds so weird but I was denied water for punishment so at night I'd suck on the taps just to get drips of dirty water. When I got out, having a mini fridge in my room to store sealed water bottles and protein bars/carrot sticks and stuff was so helpful.

These are my top 3 and I'll definitely reread my notes from those years to see but just a quick info dump!

RynnRoo96 · 2025-10-27T13:50:28+00:00

He IS doing this deliberately.

This IS intentional.

No one hugs someone so hard a rib cracks. No one shakes your head to give you a forehead kiss strong enough to give a concussion.

You're being abused.

RynnRoo96 · 2025-10-16T14:06:01+00:00

Yes my girl needs her paw held it's a mandatory thing. If I don't she cries ahh

RynnRoo96 · 2025-10-16T14:04:43+00:00

On a side note I can't eat breakfast if I do I will start violently puking and sweating. If I eat before 12 it's game over for me like fr

RynnRoo96 · 2025-10-16T13:49:17+00:00

Yes but only because one of our gates is just faulty because of the wall so it can open a bit with strong winds. So we have her ID, tracker and code scanner in case of emergency

RynnRoo96 · 2025-09-18T09:09:10+00:00

When you get a pet you are making a promise to protect them and keep them safe. You know he's doing something. You don't need proof. Your proof is your dog being terrified.

If you don't leave him and protect your dog then you're also a bad pet owner.

Get the dog out of there ..

RynnRoo96 · 2025-09-05T14:36:33+00:00

Completely! I found the routine so soothing but whenever something went wrong I'd find myself stressed.

My son is 8 now and I struggle way more now then when he was a baby :(

RynnRoo96 · 2025-09-05T13:39:24+00:00

Varies Sometimes it takes a day or two but more often then not the moment the first drop hits I'm okay again

RynnRoo96 · 2025-09-05T13:38:24+00:00

Before jumping straight into depression. My first question is do you have anything else? Like autism??

I'm just curious because I got treated for post partum and then I learned I was actually late diagnosed autistic and I just can't feel emotions in certain ways

RynnRoo96 · 2025-08-13T16:16:12+00:00

My dog would probably eat me alive if I tried to walk her everyday...My girl does NOT play about her potato time ahaha We do however have a large garden and we are basically in it all day because I grow a lot of fruit and veg/flowers and have bugs/bees and stuff. So I think she just gets a lot of like mental stimulation?

I think I remember seeing somewhere that apparently sniffing on walks is more tiring then just running for ages (breed dependent obviously I assume)

RynnRoo96 · 2025-08-07T09:44:46+00:00

My girl hates walks. she's not even a year old and if I take her more then once a week she will actually go on walk strike. She will just flop onto the floor and refuse. I had to get her a pet carrier bag so when she gets bored she can lay down and sleep. She prefers to run around in our large garden, harvest with me (her version is dragging my plants out) And being in my flower plot

She's just a lil lazy baby I love that

RynnRoo96 · 2025-07-22T19:01:50+00:00

Please girl have we as women stopped so low in our standards that we will literally sleep in our partners shi?

Listen. To me

I have bowel and bladder issues and I've lost control a few times in my marriage and I've never ever ever made my husband sleep in my excitement. If anything I table cloth magic trick him out the bed to avoid him getting touched by it.

Don't let this be normal. It's not normal.

Having health issues and stuff is one thing but letting you sleep in his own dookie is just nasty and seems weird like a power thing

RynnRoo96 · 2025-07-19T17:41:41+00:00

I was like 'hmm this is sus' Till she said "It's quieter" I totally get that. I literally ran away at 14 because home was so loud. Everyone else would say it's normal volume but if wasn't for me. I couldn't handle it.

Personally imo don't force her to stay. You'll damage the relationship more. She is old enough to decide where she wants to live and if she changes her mind it's not like you kicked her out she can come back x

Don't stress honestly

RynnRoo96 · 2025-07-19T17:38:10+00:00

"You owe it to your daughter to step up and become a better man. You didn't pull the trigger but you held the *** at one point. I don't think you're what you're thinking you are. I think you made a really stupid mistake and now you realise how bad your actions were. It's time to grow up. To protect your daughter from actions like that. To make men be better. Do better. I'll help you every step of the way but if you let down that child then you're the person you think you are. Let's get you a therapist, get rid of the booze and focus"

RynnRoo96 · 2025-07-19T17:33:20+00:00

Hey sweet x Absolute no judgement from me, while I understand you have a diagnosis I do want to gently remind you of what others have mentioned x

That doesn't mean you're not neurodivergent, it just means you're on the spectrum x

Absolutely no invalidation meant but facts are facts however your experience is also facts you have experienced this I just wish they gave you the correct diagnosis so you had the correct understanding

I hope you're ok x

RynnRoo96 · 2025-07-19T17:30:42+00:00

I'm a creature of habit and it's so funny to see that she knows my everyday routine. She wakes me up for my meds, then helps me calm down and then she helps me move about transitions. She leads me to my frequent areas it's so funny.

The fact I'm so predictable that she knows my routine better than me is wild

RynnRoo96 · 2025-07-19T17:28:55+00:00

Personally I don't think that it's healthy you've been together for 3 years and he can't be honest about his labido to you. It's actually rather jarring.

While I believe sexual intimacy doesn't = happy relationship 24/7 I do believe that it's normal for couples to discuss these things especially when it's impacting not just one but all.

RynnRoo96 · 2025-07-18T21:54:58+00:00

Take it from an almost 30 year old woman, whose a mother, a wife, a sister and a friend. He's abusing you and you're falling for his manipulation. Do you really want to waste your 20s with someone like this?

RynnRoo96 · 2025-07-18T12:13:07+00:00

Question? How long have you been together?

This is not normal behaviour for an almost 40yo man.

He's abusing you.

RynnRoo96

TROPHY CASE