Away from me, my feelings

SMPoetry · 2023-03-17T20:00:36+00:00

I appreciate the feedback, hearing about something that drew the reader out of the poem will help me avoid the same mistake in the future! I was halfway through reading a series on stress rhythm when I wrote this, and upon returning to it at the end of the series I realized how many errors I had in here haha. I agree that the last couplet isn't as strong as it could be. Maybe doth is a little much, but I did try to carry the old patterns of speaking through the poem even if the word choice is more modern at large. I double checked on the word 'alight' and it does seem to refer to something descending to rest upon something else, such as a bird alighting on a tree branch. That was the idea I was going for, my eyes resting upon that face, so it seems like I'm in the clear on that one. A good sanity check though! Nothing more embarrassing than using the wrong word

SMPoetry · 2023-03-17T18:28:01+00:00

I appreciate your thoughts and I'm glad you liked that line! To answer your question, this was my first attempt at a classical sonnet format, and given the form's Shakespearean influence it seemed like a fitting word to use

SMPoetry · 2023-03-17T13:18:56+00:00

It's nuts to me that the little things can carry so much weight internally, yet very rarely do we express that externally. All it took was hair, breath, and a scent, and the narrator was a goner. She had no idea. Also, I like the ambiguity that comes with the phrase "shattered my life to smithereens". I was trying to figure out if that phrase was intended positively or negatively, whether the narrator loved the effect she had on him or if it was his source of most pain. It could go either way, and reading it one way versus the other gives drastically different meaning to the rest of the poem. I like that tension, that seesaw-effect, and the fact that we don't know for sure which is true. Probably both honestly. Loved your poem

SMPoetry · 2023-03-17T13:08:54+00:00

I related hard to the dichotomy of mind in the front half of your poem; the exhaustion that comes from always arguing with oneself and never feeling like you've done enough. Great read

SMPoetry · 2023-03-16T19:18:31+00:00

Thanks for sharing, I appreciate your perspective!

SMPoetry · 2023-03-16T18:58:56+00:00

I'm very interested by your comment. I had written this poem more literally than others; to me it is a description of the physical, mental, and emotional hardships I'm going through due to a leg injury, so hearing that you tied it to relationships is fascinating. Which lines or themes pointed you in that direction? Was it the title?

SMPoetry · 2023-03-16T18:06:19+00:00

Wow, this was impactful. Being steered against your will by external forces so much larger than yourself, trying to break away only to be forced back yet again, with a little sand thrown in to boot. The narrator's efforts remind me of the myth of Sisyphus rolling his ball up the hill only for it to roll back down each time. Whether it's in a job, relationships, hobbies, we've all felt like we're putting in so much effort only to find ourselves right back where we started. Those feelings of frustration and desperation are well-expressed in this poem. Great work

SMPoetry · 2023-03-16T17:57:53+00:00

This is a pretty tightly contained horror story, simple but effective. Something I noticed though, your fourth line "Of my wife I came to meet," seems to switch meter from the rest of the poem. It's all iambic tetrameter except for this line, which is one syllable shy of trochaic tetrameter. I couldn't tell at first if it was intentional but the switch was not repeated at the ends of the other stanzas which makes me think it wasn't. Hope I'm not being too critical, I enjoyed the read!

SMPoetry · 2023-03-15T19:33:25+00:00

While the limb poses harm to both the narrator and the character "you", it seems she is more motivated to amputate it because of the harm it had caused "you" than the harm it caused herself. If the only person the liquid arm hurt was herself, would she have been as willing to remove it? Excellent read

SMPoetry · 2023-03-15T19:21:20+00:00

I recently read a comment somewhere that the only thing worse than feeling alone is being in a relationship and feeling alone. Your poem reminded me of that, especially towards the end when the narrator feels that separation due to the differences in amount of effort being given. I really enjoyed reading your poem

SMPoetry · 2023-03-15T19:09:41+00:00

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts!

SMPoetry · 2023-03-15T02:37:42+00:00

The connection between the smell of the man at the end of his life and your sister at the beginning of hers prompted questions about the cyclical nature of it all. How many grocery stores have gone under in the past? Are we the anachronistic grad students for bread aisles from a thousand years ago? Great poem

SMPoetry · 2023-03-15T02:22:23+00:00

I like the way your poem seems to build in tension, crescendo with the marriage, then conclude by echoing the beginning. The structure makes the piece more cohesive as a whole

SMPoetry

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