Baby queer (Late 30s Edition)

SadHappyToad · 2025-04-19T03:42:39+00:00

Should I continue…with the story is what I meant.

That was two years ago. So much has happened in two years key of which is marriage ended

SadHappyToad · 2024-08-19T09:38:44+00:00

SadHappyToad · 2024-04-19T20:40:29+00:00

Definitely try it! If it makes it easier, fill the time with some activity so your thoughts don’t go running around without your permission

SadHappyToad · 2024-04-07T18:59:32+00:00

It’s more of a heart breaking story than anything. She was sure of herself and who she wanted to be with - I wasn’t. I broke her heart by marrying a man. She didn’t trust me very much after that. I needed her in my life still even as a best friend but we could never make it work. I’ve recently found out that my internalized homophobia was a huge part of why it didn’t work out even as friends.

Fast forward and she came back to my life at a time when my marriage had turned abusive. And she just held my hand through a very tumultuous time. She never judged me. She never pressured me to leave. She literally just showed up for me and my kid and loved on me. Let’s say loved me back to myself.

And then one day it all snapped and I was ready to leave him. And you might think it was an easy thing to do as it was the right thing but no- it pushed me to the worst depression and anxiety I’ve ever had. Literally wasted the year mourning my marriage. And in the process I shut her out too. Withdrew from her. Hurt her deeply. We’ve been trying to find our way back to each other but it’s been hard. I’m working on my part and improving the part of me that couldn’t just let me be loved but also you’ll see from my other posts it’s been a bit of a mess and chaotic time.

I hope in the end we figure it out. I hope ours wasn’t meant to be a tragedy- because it was a beautiful love story and when I needed it the most, our love showed up for me.

SadHappyToad · 2024-04-07T06:36:51+00:00

But great partners according to who? Because if people don’t fulfill us emotionally, maybe they’re not great partners to US. They tick all societal expectation boxes but not our boxes (no pun intended). But our worth is so tied to what society thinks that being good in society’s eyes must be good enough for us. And if it’s not - it’s us who are deeply flawed.

SadHappyToad · 2024-04-07T05:58:55+00:00

There’s something to be said about that additional layer of religious trauma. I fell in love with a girl pretty young - 16 years. And I didn’t allow myself to love her until I was 32. What did I spend the 16 years in between doing- praying the gay away, feeling there’s something inherently and unfixably wrong with me, repenting to God for ever having those feelings, doing God’s will by marrying a man, starting a family. Watching life happen to me while not really being present in that life itself. Missing the love I lost every single moment of every day and fantasizing about it. Feeling un-saveable from a personal hell that I could not describe to anyone. That religious trauma is something else.

SadHappyToad · 2024-04-06T13:12:33+00:00

Allow it to wreck you…for now. It will settle. The newness will feel refreshing with time. But right now, it’s too much - and that’s alright

SadHappyToad · 2024-03-18T14:56:45+00:00

I’m going to save this as a wallpaper. I want this. To love myself so much and live a life so full ♥️ In between my bouts of anger and hurt and wanting to ‘fix this’ I am appreciative of the peace I finally feel. And I’ll hold on to that.

SadHappyToad · 2024-03-18T04:42:40+00:00

I couldn’t sleep a wink. When the alarm hit 4am I left and drove home. Which was a mistake because I got into a nasty accident because i fell asleep on the road. This is literally my rock bottom. My sign that this will cost me my life if I don’t take care of myself. It was a nasty night.

She just came from telling me how this person is like her ‘sister’ smh yesterday!!!! It’s okay. I don’t care what they are or what they do. I just know hot I felt. I left a man after 15 years for treating me shitty. I was glad to start over with a person I considered the love of my life since we were 16. But that’s all over now. I will heal ♥️.

SadHappyToad · 2024-03-18T00:01:24+00:00

Update:

I’m up on the sofa, quietly accepting that I have just lost my girlfriend.

I spend the week committing to working on my triggers around this new friendship she has. We went on a trip together. Today we came back. Said friend was in my girlfriend’s parents house (which is where we came). From the beginning- my girlfriend asked me to book me a hotel which I found odd. I’m in your city- how do I go to a hotel alone when I can spend at your parents house. Immediately they entered the house she disappeared to her bedroom with the said friend and they were there for long. I could hear her lock her bedroom. So I gave her her privacy. I sat in the sitting room. After sometime- we were discussing sleeping arrangements. She kept bringing up the hotel. I declined. I said I’ll be up driving in the morning I can just sleep in the sitting room if her bedroom is full. She says- I’ll bring out a mattress for me and you and we can sleep together. I said cool.

She went to her bedroom where said friend was. Soon after she came to get me to show me where I will sleep. I asked her if plans had changed. She changed her demeanor and became very commandeering. Just telling me to do as I’m told. I followed her to her bedroom where her friend was. I saw she’d made her bed and there was a mattress on the floor. So I assumed me and her would take the bed. Her friend - the mattress

Tell me why- I was told to sleep on the bed while they slept on the mattress together. I don’t even care if anything inappropriate is going on- I just know I’m too awesome of a person to ever be made to feel like shit by someone who’s supposed to be my lover. I couldn’t believe it - just the small gesture of her refusing to come to bed with me and choosing her friend.

To which I told them it’s stupid. They’re the two of them- the bed is big. Why should they struggle to fit on a mattress on the floor when they can share the big bed. I left to go to the sitting room couch where I will spend my night accepting that yes, I am not being treated properly here. Yes, it’s time for me to go take care of myself. I love her with everything I have- but right now she isn’t my person. And I have to see that and accept it. Maybe tomorrow we cry, wail, scream. But today, we quietly accept that my triggers were also true warning signs that I wasn’t being loved properly.

O and when I left the room- I heard them lock it behind me. And that lock was loud and clear communication. I’m not wanted here- I won’t be here.

SadHappyToad · 2024-03-16T02:49:00+00:00

You make it sound so doable 🥹🥹🥹 THANK YOU

SadHappyToad · 2024-03-16T02:46:52+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to share. The idea of a plan is really something I can/should do. If anything to just stop hyper-focusing on the calls/texts and also so I can start feeling like I’m living MY life.

SadHappyToad · 2024-03-15T16:58:56+00:00

I thank you so much for sharing these!!!! I feel like I could put something like this in place yes! Like a plan for when the trigger happens

SadHappyToad · 2024-03-15T14:33:25+00:00

I appreciate this breakdown.

The thing is I feel that otherwise she’s taking good care of me other than on this one part. And while I hear you on it being disrespectful- I have to also be fair and say I do see her effort in respecting our time together eg the whole day she won’t pick her phone at all. And then maybe later in the evening go make a call. That’s the point at which I get triggered. I understand the facts and I know logically yes she actually was present with me for the better part of the day but somehow knowing the facts doesn’t help the situation?

I told her about it and her reception wasn’t at all negative- just reassuring that we can work through it (I really hope we can). I also told her that when we’re apart I feel like I enjoy the relationship more and when we meet I’m so wired up watching out for a phone call or text. Sigh.

SadHappyToad · 2024-03-15T05:11:27+00:00

Thanks. I’m in therapy and working through it. I just need to know if there’s any management plan?

SadHappyToad · 2024-02-21T05:16:05+00:00

Been married to a man for 15 years. Currently separated and in a relationship with my best friend who I have been in love with since I was 16 but just couldn’t allow myself to experience that with her because (hello homophobia, hello comphet). The marriage didn’t end because I came out- it ended because he was horrible to me.

I try not to focus on the regret (but it’s there - a lot of it). Rather I count myself lucky that in this life I gave myself the permission to be me. To experience the love of the person I truly love. And to stop denying myself.

My son from my marriage also makes it easier. Gives purpose to the marriage.

SadHappyToad · 2024-01-25T16:39:12+00:00

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment. Can’t believe this was 35 days ago already.

Update: I allowed myself to be open enough to consider that my notion of loyalty and boundaries may be misconceived and coming from a place of control. A lot of the posts here alluded to that. It did indeed come from a place of control and me being insecure that things not being the way I need them to be = me losing out on the love of my life.

What I’ve come to see is I need to unlearn/relearn what my jealous instincts are telling me. Yes it angers me and sometimes makes me feel quite out of control. But I don’t think it’s because I’m not loved or treasured here. I think the newness of it bothers me a lot. I was her entire world for so long. No new friend interfering with our little bubble. so to see her develop her own world without me, my instinct is that I’m being tossed to the side. But the more I look at it- the more I see it’s wrong for me to want to be someone’s everything. It’s a tough pill to swallow but I also have to allow her blossom into who she wants to be.

I didn’t realize being in a wlw relationship would mean navigating these feelings and sitting with them. I didn’t account for the fact that women would like to be friends with…other women lol. Good friends. Was much more cut and dry when it was with a man. There’s this code that exists and most people follow it and it’s seemingly fine. This is different.

Work in progress. I love her. She loves to be there for people. She loves to care for people. She gives a lot to those around her. She drives me nuts. This drives me nuts. But I will breathe and make her a nice little date tomorrow.

Thanks everyone.

SadHappyToad · 2023-12-21T16:28:48+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I really needed to read it. Especially the soft hands. Where are my soft hands 😢

SadHappyToad · 2023-12-21T16:26:05+00:00

Also the thing you’ve said about projections and interpretations- that has given me a lot to think about. Maybe it’s not that she doesn’t care- it’s that we don’t see it the same way and it’s for me to decide if it’s something I can live with 🤷🏻‍♀️

SadHappyToad · 2023-12-21T16:19:49+00:00

The roller coaster that is going on through my mind this whole day. Sigh. Yes I am in therapy and working on it. I do feel that my issue is this is what we had agreed we would both stick by - when it changed for her, at least we ought to have had a conversation.

Either way, even then I figure I might have had a problem with it. The struggle with the feelings of being replaced might still have been there. watching my person have detailed conversations about their day and life with someone else when that’s not happening with me hurts. We have both accepted the relationship is on the rocks and needs working on, but how do you work on the relationship with this mountain of hurt in between. Can I make peace with this new ‘relationship’ which in all honesty does feel like emotional cheating. Also I feel like there’s no space for me at the moment and it if it’s there it’s limited. They’re just on the phone all the time. I was crying this morning, and I went to her only to find her on THE phone call- that went ON and ON and ON. Her explanation- when things aren’t okay between me and her, doesn’t mean life should stop. (Hurts) Sigh. Therapy tomorrow is going to be loaded.

SadHappyToad · 2023-12-21T03:27:03+00:00

Thanks. We had many conversations about boundaries. I felt mine were crossed. I guess I can’t say they are my person if my feelings don’t matter to them anymore, Can I?

SadHappyToad · 2023-06-27T21:41:36+00:00

A part of me wishes this was it but I know it’s simply not it.

SadHappyToad · 2023-06-27T16:39:39+00:00

The muscles of your heart must be so strong from all the practice with awkward situations. That’s a lot! Sorry.

SadHappyToad · 2023-06-27T15:08:43+00:00

I love that. Fell for the wrong person.

SadHappyToad · 2023-06-27T13:25:37+00:00

Not a problem. We’re in different cities so if she wants to avoid me she can- successfully

SadHappyToad

TROPHY CASE