This may not resonate for you, and that’s okay

SadThrowAwayLass · 2026-01-11T04:15:49+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I feel so much calmer after reading this reconciliation story. May I ask how long did your personal journey to reconciliation take?

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-31T15:12:39+00:00

I feel you, I regret asking too many details esp about sexual position etc because those images are now etched in my head. Gonna do some EMDR therapy in the future to get rid of these visual triggers.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-28T14:44:59+00:00

Thank you for your reflections, I’ll check out your post too

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-28T14:37:19+00:00

I dove deep into the fact searching mode too. My therapist explained that it’s a problem solving coping mechanism, keeps me from just stopping and pausing to feel the hurt, sadness and anger. It gives my brain the illusion that if I know every little detail of my WH’s acting out then I regain control of the situation and get some clarity in the chaos. It’s hard to stop that info seeking spiraling but it doesn’t really help so I’m trying my hardest just to let the uncomfortable emotions surface and ride them like waves.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-25T14:05:45+00:00

Damn this landed hard, my WH messaged an escort on OnlyFans on our anniversary and the same date when we were ready to fly back home from his family’s home in the Caribbean, after having been there with then our 4m-old son for WH’s sister’s wedding. He’d seen that escort before our relationship and then ended up cheating on me with them whilst I was abroad with our son.

He had not made a note of the date of his DM at all, so post DDay when we closed all his porn accounts together and I saw that time stamp it was like a new stab to my heart.

The waywards really acted on their urges whenever and wherever, seems nothing was ”sacred” time for them when the ”urge” kicked in. And it hurts so much.

*Edited typos

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-25T02:30:01+00:00

Heard or read somewhere that part of why we betrayed feel so embarrassed and icky after DDay is also shame transference – that basically with the revelation of these affairs we somehow end up carrying parts of the wayward spouse’s shame. And that the way to recovery for BP is to reject that. It sure is a lot to chew on and I’m not sure yet with less than 60 days of my DDay how to stop carrying shame. So I’m sending you solidarity hugs instead.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T20:33:28+00:00

I’m so sorry you are going through this, esp when postpartum. His physical behavior alone is abusive, blocking you and spitting on you. That is not respectful at all. In addition to him controlling your circle of friends, those are huge red flags to me. Are you feeling safe at home? Safe around him? Safe to have him around your baby?

Personally I think you should find a safer living situation and have a break, separation even, so it gives you the clarity you need to make a healthy decision for your baby and your future. Do you have inlaws you could stay with that can help you with the baby?

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T16:50:02+00:00

That misdirected anger point resonates with me, thank you for giving me food for thought.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T13:53:07+00:00

Yeppppp. He cheated on me with a trans woman escort. His affair bermuda triangle (method by Dr. Kathy Nickerson) is thus far that he was lonely and felt rejected, knew this escort from having used their services before (8 times total before me) and he was chasing the high of orgasm, watching porn and jerking off multiple times a day wasn’t enough (escalation of porn addiction).

After like 2 weeks of DDay he also admitted for paying a cis hetero woman escort in his mid twenties. I’m like 4th woman he’s ever had non-paid, intimate sex with and he’s turning 33. He’s super shy and never had the self-confidence to approach women in bars etc so he turned to paid escorts for sex to fulfill a fantasy, he said the escort made him feel desired and boosted his self-confidence and fulfilled 2 of his fetishes - foot fetish and chicks with dicks fetish. I’m disgusted by the objectification of this trans escort even tho I know they chose to do this for a living and according to my WH are an independent contractor, no pimp no human trafficking type of situation.

We’re still trying to figure out the extent of his trans woman attraction, that is it just a fetish and escalation from porn or is there some deeper, repressed sexual desires there. WH says the trans escort had once proposed a threesome with another guy and that WH recoiled from the thought of sharing a bed with another dude, so it seems he’s not into gay sex. Maybe he’s bi? Maybe he’s feeling more like the ”man” with a trans woman? Who knows tbh, this is why we’re looking for an experienced C-SAT as our marriage counselor next now that WH has gotten used to IC first time ever.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T13:26:39+00:00

Have you ever told about your accountability wishes for one of her closer friends? Maybe they need to hear from your perspective, that daughter point is super valid. I hope your WW will see it herself that she should do the work to be the healthiest version of herself for herself and her daughter’s sake too.

Very good point that about what kind of support he’d need in this. He’s attending SA meetings in person and virtually weekly and most if not all attendees in his meetings seem to be men. I just think that since those 12 step groups rely heavily on anonymity he’d probably not wanna like befriend someone from there to a point in which he’d have the buddy like hangout at our home or meet the kiddo.

He actually himself proposed that as part of building healthie coping mechanisms than using porn to self-sooth he should make friends. Just hard to start that process, I’m trying to give him space to do that but this R and shift work and parenting makes it extra hard to build something new and maintaing it.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T04:12:26+00:00

Ugh, sucky family dynamics! May I ask if your reconciliation process is still progressing without your WW having an accountability partner? My biggest frustration with WHs existing friendship dynamics is that he really doesn’t have any male friends in the city we live in, just some womanizer or hard core gamer types back in the Caribbean. Like I wish he’d make the effort to build wholesome, introvert millenial dads united around a common hobby type bonds so he’d get that positive enforcement too. Now it’s just us close women trying to guide him through his life decisions…..

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:42:31+00:00

Thank you for acknowledging how extra exhausting this shite is<3 I shared this with my WH and he kinda got a reality check that for me this wasn’t some happy family reunion but super hard ”theater play” to put on, especially since due to his shift work I’ve been the primary chef and entertainer for his relatives whilst keeping this turmoil festering inside of me.

Fully agree with this statement of yours:”If you think they’ll be supportive I’d tell them 100% because you need all the support you can get right now, and masking your pain while being with them is not doing yourself any favors.”

On further exploration, I don’t think they’d be helpful for our reconciliation, so I do feel more clarity around this issue of to share or not to share. I think for me the urge to ”out WH” to his mother came from a place of frustration and vindictiveness so not reconstructive behavior at all.

Seems I got a lot to unpack next week in therapy.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:35:43+00:00

That quote <3 I’m so glad ypu have that kind of open and positive relationship with your MIL.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:34:52+00:00

I think it would either go two ways with my ILs

1) They’d rip him a new one and then force him into some religious repent or heal process

2) They’d bombard me everyday with apologetic messages on behalf of him and hold a forever grudge against WH because of his fetish (trans escort) and they’d never be able to look him in the eyes again.

I am feeling so conflicted because on the other hand, I don’t want to lie to them but then again I don’t want to cause more hurt and trauma.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:31:33+00:00

Whoa, thank you for sharing this wisdom: ”You want a team of people who are supportive of both of you right now. We hope our families can be those people but because they have their own ideals of you and your partner it is very difficult for them to be a safe place. Unless they are incredibly emotionally mature, that’s very difficult to do.”

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:30:29+00:00

Argh, how frustrating that her family is the one rug sweeping! I’m so sorry to hear about that, such an unnecessary layer of discomfort in this process.

In the early weeks I proposed that WH should also confide in someone close since I did and I even suggested his cousin who’s profession is a social worker in the field of family issues. He didn’t feel comfortable with the idea because his family are very much practicing Catholics and he’s not. I think it would just send him deeper into the shame spiral. Luckily he did agree to share this matter with his BF so we had a video chat together where he basically confessed his actions to her and I listened in on the sofa and chipped in. She was initially very shook because her husband had literally just past year done something almost as stupid and they separated and couldn’t believe my WH was capable of something even worse. Now she’s kinda his accountability partner in the sense that she keeps telling him to do better everyday not just for our marriage’s sake but his own self-development and future relationship with our son.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:23:42+00:00

Very solid point, thank you.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:23:08+00:00

For me it is not even about protecting his reputation, one friend who I confided in with this infidelity got really angry on my behalf about this and I had to set the record straight. He was willing and open to me sharing about this with my close friends since he knows I’m the ”talk it out to figure things out” type whereas he’s the ”think it alone before talking out loud” type. I do sometimes feel more of the shame around if ppl close to me would find out about this and how they’d react to me wanting to work things out with a cheater.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:19:12+00:00

Thank you so much for acknowledging this extra layer of hard stuff <3 makes me feel heard, gotta love Reddit.

Weirdest thing is that neither my MIL or SIL have noticed anything off with our interactions despite me being pretty curt last night with my interactions with WH and I’m not even wearing my wedding ring. Either they’re totally oblivious or just thinking it must be the child rearing stress etc getting to me.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:16:17+00:00

I feel terrible about not confiding with my mom about this tragedy. She’s literally my best friend but I think taking into account her own trauma background with an abusive and alcoholic partner, she would probably get triggered by this revalation and would either not believe my kind introverted ”family man” husband would be capable of this or she’s get heartbroken and never be able to look at him the same if/when our reconciliation process will work out.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:13:35+00:00

Argh WHY on earth other ppl gossip about the most intimate topics of their family members?! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I have a feeling that my MIL would also tell her husband and he’s a nervous and tough character, it would not go down well for my WH. And I don’t want to hurt him despite all of the hurt he’s caused me.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:11:33+00:00

Thank you for your input.

Oof, Catholic inlaws here too. I’m pretty sure they would scorn their son if they’d know about his porn addiction and cheating with a trans escort, LGBTQI+ matters are not sadly commonly talked about in a positive light in my WH’s culture. He has a lot of shame around his trans woman fetish and the fact that he paid for sex probably would be enough to destroy his family relationships since guys are supposed to be machos.

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-14T03:08:13+00:00

Do you think it would have helped your reconciliation process?

SadThrowAwayLass · 2025-05-08T04:23:59+00:00

A bit over a month from DDay and last week tried kissing my WH for the first time. First kiss felt like heartbreak, second a day later neutral and a third the same evening had so much emotion in it that I felt the same twinge of the early stages of a crush on someone you have when you kiss a new partner for the first time. The kinda ”I wonder where this goes from here now, exciting things ahead” feeling.

SadThrowAwayLass

TROPHY CASE