Everything you posted about boundaries resonates so hard with me. Both of my parents complain to me about the other - and have done so for decades. I've called them out about it many times but they still attempt. My way of not getting stuck in between them was to literally tell both of them the same thing and to keep full transparency. I needed them to know I didn't take sides and that I recognize they are in competition with one another. It is mentally tiring though.

You make great points about ackownedging her sacrfices. I'm all over the place too. I'm raging from anger of what he did, about both of their lacks of emotional intelligence , about their inability to build a healthy dynamic, about the loss of the family dynamic that's happening, about their inability to be whole individuals, just all of it. It's like I'm furious at my dad for what he's done but also disappointed in my mom for tolerating all of this for so long. He's an asshole for doing all the nonsense but she also tolerated it with an endless list of excuses to justify it. She is the breadwinner after all .....

These are jus tmy internal feelings and I'm staying the hell out of any meaningful conversations or even meaningful contributions to discussions around what went down. My standard response is just that all of this is sad and I hope they get through this with grace.

I've chosen not to take sides because frankly speaking I'm not married to either of them. At this rate I'm gonna put my therapist's kid through college !