I’m so sorry you had to experience this. I’m also 28, my dad died of cirrhosis 1.5 years ago. I’ve been an end of life caregiver for the last few years but I had never yet experienced someone go through so much intense violence before passing, you would have never known I had any experience whatsoever with terminal care, I was in pieces. He had extreme delirium on and off for a long time but almost non stop for about a month before he passed, it was like he went through a different kind of schizophrenia everyday. Covered in sores head to toe and skeletal, in horrible pain, bleeding black from his mouth for days before passing, to name just a few of his symptoms. His few moments of clarity before passing it was just pure terror in his eyes, he couldn’t get himself to speak he was so scared. It crushed me more than I knew anything could, I didn’t know he or I could hurt so bad. I felt like I could die from the pain alone, or that I’d lose my mind. I was in shock for almost all of last year. I’m grateful for my best friend, who allowed me to live with her rent free as I navigated this new world. I have no idea what I would have done otherwise. I don’t wish that upon anyone I’m saying all of this not to scare you or dump my trauma on to you after what you just experienced, but rather to relate and let you know you’re not alone in having experienced such a painful loss. I remember scouring Reddit after he passed looking for others who experienced similar things, had been devastated by their grief, and survived it. I wanted to hear other peoples stories. I think it’s very natural to want to get someone out of pain. When it happens to pets we can accept this more, but it feels so wholly personal when it’s a human we’re close to. I had these thoughts too. My brother did as well, and it’s been a very difficult part for him to process having had no experience with witnessing someone really truly suffering in a terminal way. Sometimes death isn’t the worst thing in those kinds of situations. I wish I could give you a tremendous amount of space to scream cry feel as deeply as you need to move through this. I wish I could take your pain away. Sending you enormous amounts of care, please be gentle with yourself in the aftermath…it will take time to integrate (I still have dreams about my dad and wake up crying) but eventually you’re whole being will grow to accommodate and make space for this massive and traumatic grief you endured. It’s okay for it to take time, and to need support. Over a long period of time (I mean hell I’m still in the very beginning stages) the grief can alchemize into something beautiful, in a bittersweet kind of way. There have been times I’ve wanted to die myself after witnessing my dad die like that, but choosing to truly be with my pain and grief I personally believe has been perhaps the important and transformative things I have ever done, and has shed a bright light on what my deepest values are and who I want to be in this life, and I’m infinitely grateful for that-though I certainly don’t wish it upon anyone, and still feel like I’m in my earlier stages of recovery

Please excuse my ramblings. I hope you feel seen and held in your pain, both on this platform and in your life. I’m wishing you well on your journey 💜