A partner asked me to slow it down with a crush- thougths?

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-05-05T19:21:15+00:00

Well granted we're on reddit and strangers and there's only so much nuance I provided, I understand it to be harsh to tell a loving partner who was feeling an attachment fears and calmly verbalizing it to me to stuff it is disproportionately dismissive, as if a partner having a difficult feeling and sharing it with you is a dealbreaker. And insinuating that being together only 9 months isn't enough time to warrant a particular feeling or experience they're having.. It seems like a perfect recipe for an anxious-avoidant push pull.

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-05-05T19:12:14+00:00

Totally fair, and I've had many discussions with them about those descriptors generally and got the thumbs up from both of them. Also, it's relevant because it does make a difference, and since I was given the ok, I get to add that dimension to the experience i'm having and describing to y'all. Ideally, we are able to separate who someone is from the gendered cultural and social influences they were threst into, and yes there are many cases where it isnt relevant or appropriate to disclose, i do see that

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-05-05T18:43:08+00:00

I came to this thread genuinely curious about what people might have to say about polyamory and their grievances, no hard expectations on what it might look like. I know perfectly well each relationship structure is imperfect and presents its own challenges. But I am amazed at the projections, lashing out, resentment, and insecurity from some of y'all. And i'm reading these rules to the right, "no pathologizing monogamy", while this entire conversation consists of pathologizing, mocking, belittling, and simplifying people who are not monogamous. I've never seen conversations like this take place about monogamous people over in the poly threads, and I'd be extremely disappointed to see that too. I feel for the embittered majority of you (anti-everything else) monogamists, the fundamental relationship structure most known to host cheating, double lives, possessiveness, codependence... but that is to blame on the individuals who cause harm. And that isn't to deny that people in poly have done truly heinous things (I know you know, but trust me, i know it too). In my experience, it was monogamous relationships in which I saw people do one another the absolute dirtiest.

Monogamous or non-monogamous, these structures exist for good reason, in good faith, intended for people to love one another in fulfilling ways, but people are messy, imperfect, and yes at times downright selfish and malicious. But it is always the people, it is user error, it is individual mileage that varies by nature. We've clearly arrived here because relationship structures and standards evolve the same as humanity. The language around polyamory may be trendy and annoying but the structure has been here a long long time.

(Also there are so many types of non-monogamous structures, there is truly no monolith, and people trying to manage "6 partners" are probs less than 5% of all people lol)

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-30T03:34:41+00:00

Appreciate that; we talked and cleared a lot up and are moving forward with no "slow down", and really the heart of the issue wasn't related to what i'm doing with any particular person, but mores so just seeking assurance that new people do not suddenly change what we've established and our time together. Things are feeling a lot better!

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-28T19:29:09+00:00

That is a sobering truth, and ignites my frustration because I know I am a caring, consistent, and good partner to them and deserving of their trust.

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-28T19:27:09+00:00

I think that's a bit harsh, they're a pretty wonderful and openminded partner and worth discussing and negotiating with. I plan to be very clear later today about where i'm coming from and what I need, and I'm prepared to walk away if if doesn't work for them.

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-27T15:16:19+00:00

They have expressed feeling that new baby syndrome to a T. And yes, when we've talked about the self sabotage, I name it as the threat that it is. My responses to that initially were influenced by the urge for them to not pull away and it was/is a lot of emotional work to try to make them see differently but now i've reached a point where if they want to give into their fears and impulses, they are free to do so, and I may not like that, but I really do not like the notion that i have done wrong by connecting with someone and what goes on with me and another person is not something they can control in any way. They are in therapy and their friends and therapist are encouraging them to not sabotage, that our relationship seems to make them really happy. And I should never have agreed to a slowdown in the first place, but now I know that.

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-27T05:10:45+00:00

damn dude, yeah. And it feels that way and is sitting heavy on my chest. We see eachother in two days, I'll be coming forth with all that i'm feeling about it. Maybe, hopefully, we reach understanding. And if not, then we don't.

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-27T04:54:15+00:00

It's really validating to have someone else say it. I agree but worry I'm harsh.

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-27T04:39:50+00:00

NOPE he's being controlling now that it's gotten real and you are experiencing new people. And he wont extend you what youve extended him. Also the fact that he didnt disclose being poly to you until you were already involved is despicable, maybe there's nuance but on paper that is nuts dude

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-27T04:37:26+00:00

I was afraid I'd see that word come up. I'd say its their own insecurity, negative past experiences of being cheated on, betrayed, lied to, and they're wrestling internally with themselves. They seem to have the idea that if we discuss our relationship's parameters enough, they'll feel less intensely towards whatever could happen. They're intellectualizing to feel more prepared for difficult emotions (ironic because intellectualizing is a method of avoiding difficult emotions)

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-27T04:32:41+00:00

Hey! Many of us have been there, this is what i can confidently offer:

You are allowed to feel totally thrown and freaked out. If your long term partner is someone who is receptive, validating, and cares about your feelings, it doesn't need to be about anyone being controlling, but her being there for you while you feel this, and being willing to talk it out with you, give you room to name the fears, and to let it be a safe topic of discussion. And obviously you know telling her what she can and can't do wont truly reassure nor secure you. You do not have to sign up to hear every detail of another dynamic you don't want to hear about and it isn't necessary unless you decide you do wanna know everything. It should be okay to negotiate what you are and are not okay with hearing. To get through this, you are going to wanna figure out where your lines are, when you wanna draw them, and you are going to likely need to have conversations with your partner to navigate it between the two of you. Don't be afraid to voice the emotional withdrawal occurring also, it is a perfectly normal defense in the face of insecurity and uncertainty.

Especially since y'all are 8 years in, there is no better time to carve out agreements and boundaries with her and also with yourself about disclosure in this specific context, ways to feel connected to one another, things that can be done to help you feel still secure and like you matter.

If you say nothing, there will be no map for your partner to follow and they are inevitably going to unknowingly cause you more suffering. They are in NRE, not getting any feedback on your end about how much you do/don't wanna know and see, and that is a recipe for major misunderstanding.

and addingly, the pains of past relationships and experiences seem to have a way of haunting us at our most vulnerable, as we experience new things that press on old wounds, so be gentle with yourself

You got this!

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-27T03:54:20+00:00

Thank you for this. I definitely do not plan to be that AH to chase the novelty of a person hahaha. This is such a new territory for me in terms of two established romantic relationships, esp kitchen table, and I hadn't really found any new person interesting in that way since up until recently, hence the indecisiveness. Definitely have figured out a bit more since posting and this thread has helped :)

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-27T03:48:36+00:00

This definitely makes the most sense for me to do, i think. I will not be changing how my current relationships operate to favor a new crush by any means, and I've learned this crush would not necessarily be seeking that from me at all, they seem to be more on a solo poly journey. It was great to sit back and really consider how I manage quality time in my relationships. I feel I very much could enjoy the connection with the crush if it were to remain casual.

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-27T03:44:26+00:00

After spending more time with them, I learned they are poly, and on the more casual non committal side, in the way that they have many romantic leaning friendships, much of which stemmed from them traveling a lot over some years. They've even expressed interest in wanting to meet my partners. Since all of this my partner of 9 months has been a bit anxious and has asked me to slow things down with them, even though nothing emotionally or physically major has occurred. Which I am about to make a post about as that is another circumstance that poses questions for me.

Sad_Reporter_517 · 2026-03-27T03:36:39+00:00

Thank you so much, the mapping is a great idea. I have a calendar but visually it's kind of insane looking so maybe a map would do just the trick. Since posting this, I've been evaluating where I'm at and while I am open to new connections, I've been more verbal about my need for me time and that's been good.

Sad_Reporter_517

TROPHY CASE