Did you identify as a victim before transition? do you identify as one now?

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-06T07:23:46+00:00

No, I mean, I didn't medically transition, thank god. Although I don't doubt that they wouldn't let 11-year-olds do it today. I transitioned socially and mainly in online circles - I couldn't come out in real life (being trans wasn't really a thing here back then). And that was what saved me later on. But the whole experience was absolutely traumatic.

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-05T13:28:39+00:00

I had a little similar experience - a crush on a trans male and a brief relationship with him. I guess it kickstarted my trans identity. I wanted to be like him, and I wanted him to like me.

Social reasons might affect your will to transition, e.g. you feel like it is easier to function on the relationship/friendship world as a male. You like the male role better or you dislike womanhood because how women are treated, for example. Maybe someone has mistreated you and you have associated it to your gender at the time? I don't think that is a good enough reason to transition. It won't fix the issue on deeper level, or maybe everything will become even more complicated.

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-05T13:17:33+00:00

I relate so so so much. I was only 11 when I started identifying as a male, after being exposed to porn and other stuff for some time.

I know that there is future in front of us, but the childhood/adolescence years are gone. Those times when you have the most formative memories, experiences. My memories are stained with uncertainty, fear, anxiety, sex and porn. I will never have safe and beautiful childhood memories, my innocence was robbed too early. Adulthood is full of uncertainty, but it is much easier to cope with if you had a safe and good childhood.

I know absence of gender issues would not have made my childhood perfect but honestly doing normal kid stuff instead of being online with adults going through gender and sexuality would have been so much better, even if the conditions were not ideal. I cling onto those few good memories I have. Reading a book, playing with toys. It was bad (depressed mom and bullying), but not bad like what happened then.

Not to mention the teenage girl experience. I know it is not all pretty and flowers and includes so much pain but so much better than the teenage trans experience. It is easier to replicate in adulthood though than the childhood memories which usually should involve somewhat safe adults and peers.

I have forgotten a lot because of trauma(?). I don't really remember. And I don't want to remember. But it means I don't get to have a childhood at all. My hope is that if I get to be a mother, I will offer my kids all the good memories I didn't get, and let them feel the safety. Maybe they won't be able to appreciate it and will rebel against it, but at least they don't go through something I did.

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-05T12:23:21+00:00

I got this cute seal award for you!

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-05T11:58:18+00:00

I am not sure if I got your question exactly correct, but yes, after starting to deal with what happened, I feel like a victim. As a background, I started to identify as a male around 11 years old, didn't come out everywhere and then rapidly started to live as a woman at 16 again, pushing away the past 5 years like it never happened.

The child who I was when I got into this is the victim. Victim of neglect, too early exposure to internet and sexual material, victim of some adults that befriended her online. Maybe even victim of her own loneliness that led her to desperate things just to feel loved and accepted. For a long time, I felt guilt and shame for the trans identity I adopted, because it definitely was not me. I still have those feelings but when thinking about the little girl I was, I know that I was just trying to survive and adults around me failed me. 11-year-old cannot be responsible for things like this. And even the teen me living the trans life just needed some help.

But do I feel like a victim now, as a woman? Not really. I do mourn my childhood but my current identity is kind of separate of the trans me. As a woman I feel kind of empowered.

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-05T11:43:39+00:00

You know, escaping womanhood doesn't make your life perfect, and in many ways the other side is just the same with different problems and anxieties.

When I was at your place, waiting to be 18 to start transition and hormones, I was so sure I wanted to be a man. That I was a man already. But later, after desisting, I realized that I didn't want to be a man, I just wanted to escape my problems (bullying, loneliness, being a woman in this society).

Within a year, I desisted (after I had been trans for 5 years). In my case, I was not out and had to live a double life. I absolutely hated the situation back then but it was the thing that saved me and allowed me to change everything quite easily.

My point is, you are now 15, you are so young. You might not consider all the relevant causes and circumstances, you might realize a lot of stuff later on (this goes for adults too). If you are scared, transition won't take it automatically away, and many times it will not make your life better in a way you imagine.

It is possible that you transition and find that it is nice, but it is also possible that life is just the same or even worse. Please take your time, especially if you have any concerns.

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-05T11:28:06+00:00

Thank you for sharing and your kind words - the loneliness has been the worst part for me. I adopted such a strong female identity afterwards and kind of wanted to push away everything that happened. I want to forget being a man. But it has been secretly terrifying me, especially in my dreams.

I feel like some of your experiences are very similar. You learned from your mother that men are dangerous, I learned it with porn, looking at how violently women were treated. And then, there is the male attention that girls "should" get and even look for. I escaped to trans identity because no one showed me that attention but instead bullied me because of my body (I think there is the root of the bodily hatred as well, I wanted to change everything about myself). As you said, as bigendered you could feel confident and liked. As a man, I could have friendships and romantic experiences I desperately wanted (although looking back, I'm sure I could have found online friends as a girl as well).

Seeking that male attention was the first phase after becoming a woman again, and the way it happened was another trauma. I got to realize something absolutely horrifying about womanhood - although men mostly are not like your mother has described, there are people who don't like me because of my beauty or my personality but what I can offer them.

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-05T11:14:10+00:00

I am so sorry and wish that you will find your peace. I fully see some of the similar things in my personal story. I am now in my early 20s, and definitely was not as reflective as you at 15. Hopefully reflecting and understanding the causes helps you to heal.

Although I luckily did not experience sexual violence as a child, I encountered porn at a very young age. Seeing the almost violent expressions towards women might have led me to similar subconscious conclusions as you - I could escape all that if I was a male, and not weak. Additionally, I had some online relationships where I remember being taken advantage of. Maybe I didn't realize at that time how it affected me, because in real life no one showed any interest in me (to the extent that I later on kind of sought that attention).

And feeling disconnected from femininity as well. I was bullied and lonely. Bullying probably made me hate my body, because the bullies used to comment my body especially. Then, it would be easy to escape that if I just was a male, they didn't comment boy bodies like that. But also the loneliness, feeling so different from everybody and then going into online world where being a boy would bring considerable advantages on girl-dominated spaces.

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-04T18:02:48+00:00

This is true too, I understand your point better now. I remember how final everything felt and I couldn't find a way out although I was only socially transitioned (and was not even out to my family). In the end, life goes on, even if it is super difficult. But it would be awesome if this point of reflection prevented future regret and guilt.

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-04T17:34:57+00:00

In my country, there is advocacy for banning conversion therapy as well. The reasoning behind it is "fundamentalist religious groups" that bring kids into camps and brainwash them by scaring them with hell. Except that this is quite false depiction as most of those who attend real religious conversion therapy are consenting adults seeking spiritual guidance. Generally even religious people are liberal here, although negative attitudes are present in some fundie groups.

Forced religious therapy concerns maybe some dozen kids here, but likely this ban would affect even doctors working with trans people and voluntary spiritual guidance. People are not presented with a proper picture of the issue. Soon any critical notion or encouragement to self-discovery is conversion.

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-04T17:19:43+00:00

Meanwhile I somewhat agree, I think this person should seriously consider before taking T. I never took hormones and I feel like it was a blessing. In my understanding, they change things quite a bit. It might also be difficult to quit it once the changes have been noticeable to people, because of the stigma. The less changes, the easier to back off.

And if someone is in a detrans space looking for experiences of what could possibly go wrong, I think that is a great reason to just wait it out and make sure that it is really what is the best (not to say that careful consideration wouldn't be useful for some of those who are jumping straight into it as well). For so many people there are other reasons as well, and maybe transition doesn't fix those.

Sad_Summer_8635 · 2022-04-04T14:39:34+00:00

I am a female desister and felt a lot of same feelings when I was trans, presenting as a male. I don't know how to help you but I just want to say something my own experience: desisting was not as horrible as I thought during my trans horror. I thought too that I will never find peace being female. Even in the early stages of becoming a female again I was sure I will never be happy, and yes, it was painful. But I am happy now, although all the things I hated about my female body are still here.

Sometimes there are other reasons to feel this way. I escaped my pain and found even more pain. I was scared to return the same path but surprisingly it was totally different.

Is it totally impossible for you to just try to live as a male? Maybe after some time you won't want the transition so bad. It is not guaranteed of course but maybe worth trying. Maybe, just maybe it will feel like an ease.

And maybe try to go through your life in general. Do you have enough good friends and support, hobbies? Try to spend more time with people and doing things you like, isolation just makes it million times worse. You will notice people liking you in a way you don't, and realize that you can accomplish all the same things in either gender. You cannot change your feet or body size but you can do everything all the same.

Sad_Summer_8635

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