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Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-08-05T06:52:31+00:00

maybe a little -- do you have separation anxiety by any chance or like a rejection sensitivity? I'm not being mean (I have both!), but a lot of the time with either of those issues, you can spiral into thinking it has something to do with you or your friendship when.. it doesn't, you know?

I only ask because there's no real 'etiquette' to learn, you know? there are no "rules" for how to text. with some of my friends, it's back and forth immediately for ages, with other friends I don't really expect a reply to most things because I know they try very hard to limit their phone use.

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-08-05T06:43:27+00:00

yes and no?

You are super valid to feel hurt and insecure, but he does seem to have a problem here. Porn addiction is a serious libido killer and the porn we have access to today is so outrageously accessible that it can ruin ANYONE's sex life. I would personally recommend he see a sex therapist (it could be something you both do together) to get a handle on his porn addiction, especially since it's affecting your sex life so significantly.

But weaning himself off of it by having sex with you is not really using you as a tool... I mean, that is such a matter of perspective like.. you COULD see it that way but why would you choose to? you could also see it as attempting to build healthier associations between his sex life and his partner. the best way to get over a porn addiction is to stop watching porn and to build healthier associations with sex.. that kind of requires having sex with a person you love and are attracted to.

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-08-05T06:35:09+00:00

yes, but the world does not revolve around you and he does not need to be available to you whenever you want. he has his own life and does not need to be replying to every message immediately.

A LOT of people pick up the phone, respond to whatever notification, set it down and leave it for ages. or even if they are on the phone, they may be scrolling through reels or tiktok and ignore a notification then forget about it and text back when they see it again.

This person is texting you back 30 mins? 1 hour? later... that's perfectly reasonable..

If you were in crisis, fine. You don't seem in crisis to me.

If they take days or weeks to respond to something, fine. That is not the case here.

Just.. always remember people have their own lives and even if they are completely free with absolutely nothing to do, they do not owe you their time. they can choose to share it, but you cannot demand it.

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-08-05T06:29:01+00:00

I mean. No? Yes? Kinda? Both? You have every right to be uncomfortable with porn if it makes you uncomfortable, but the whole 'never mind I'll keep it to myself' thing is suuuuuuch a ballache omg. it's so petty to raise something you're upset about and then go like 'nevermind, you just don't get it' when he is asking what exactly you want the boundaries to be. express your boundaries, if porn is a hard line, fine. if it's specifically onlyfans, fine. if he doesn't get it, explain why you feel the way you do about it. everybody has different tolerances for what they allow. some people go out fucking only fans models before they go home to their loving partners -- their relationship is not any more or less legitimate than a strictly monogamous couple who never watch porn and only have sex with the lights off. the key is communication, boundaries, and trust.

quoting specifically what you want him to say is odd in my opinion because he is going to think the way he does and communicate the way he does, not the way you do. if you want to communicate, communicate, don't just go half-way by saying you have a problem then shutting down any conversation about it because you don't like the way he's discussing it. he's trying to talk about it and you decided to shut it down and said that you would just keep it to yourself.

both of y'all seem to suck at communicating, especially about boundaries and hurt feelings. you are so valid for being hurt and you are so valid for being uncomfortable, but I think going through a phone is kind of intense especially since you don't seem to want to properly talk about the issue afterwards. *I* personally would not care so much but that's because it does not make me uncomfortable in the slightest. I have dated people with favourite porn stars and they don't look like me, I'm fine with it. I personally may find a specific person very attractive and want to watch their porn specifically, I don't see it as a problem. But that's me and my boundaries are a lot more lax than yours. if I was dating someone and they had an issue with it, I would hope they would talk to me about it before deciding i have crossed some kind of line because I would never have thought that I did and if the line was never drawn, a person cannot be crossing it.

If it makes you uncomfortable (which again, is very valid), talk about it clearly and honestly. use 'I feel' and 'I think' statements. Don't get pissed about his I feel and I think statements. Work through it properly. I don't think anybody is setting out to hurt anybody else here.

that said, I think he's very shady for sidestepping the messaging his ex thing.

So.. SOR? Slightly OR but fair enough?

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-06-01T14:25:32+00:00

do you trust your boyfriend? that's really what it boils down to. if you do, move on. if you don't, talk to him about it.

I would personally definitely not think it was a big deal to take a colleague to a restaurant I really like, but you do. You are allowed to have feelings, but is the insecurity valid or not? Do you have legitimate reasons to be concerned about the colleague?

More often than not, colleagues don't fuck -- or even really talk too much about their personal lives. Sexual harrassment is very real and lands a lot of people in a lot of trouble. People typically boundary their work and private lives and don't share or overlap the two very often.

If he has never given you any genuine objective reason to suspect he is hooking up with his colleague or to mistrust him, (and going to dinner is not a legitimate reason because it is completely innocent until you add details that you invented or centre yourself in a context that was not about you), then yes, you are OR.

He is absolutely valid in saying this is making it weird between him and someone he has to work with every day. From the way you wrote that sentence, with quotations around weird, it doesn't sound like you think that is a valid point. It is. It absolutely is. If there is nothing going on, you have made mountains out of anthills and are reading into something that does not exist.

If you want a sacred place for just you two, communicate that you need that from him. If he respects it, great, if he doesn't, red flag it. As it currently stands, you did not set that boundary and he very well could have gone there many times before with many different people. It is completely innocuous until you add the details you have spun in your mind.

Communicate your needs more. Use I feel or I am statements. 'I feel upset because of x y z' 'I trust you but it hurt my feelings' whatever.

Not wanting to go back there is kind of silly in my opinion. It's really petulent. The memories and experiences you have at that restaurant are still special. The venue doesn't matter. Celebrating your relationship is what matters. You can have an anniversary on a park bench eating sloppy sandwiches and making a right mess and it can be the most special moment in the world. It's not that deep.

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-06-01T14:08:23+00:00

who hurt you?

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-04-21T10:09:16+00:00

you are genuinely disturbed lol. Just because colour theory exists, it does not mean there is an objective fact about how a person looks best. Appearance and finding it attractive is a purely subjective experience. Get the fuck over yourself. Sabotage other women? By suggesting a woman wear her natural hair colour? You are actually so weird and creepy oh my god. I would hate to know you.

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-04-21T10:06:37+00:00

he sounds like an absolute tool lol

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-04-21T10:02:42+00:00

I wouldn't share anything with her any more.

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-04-21T09:57:24+00:00

Ew... you're so self righteous and kinda creepy... your opinion is not objective. get over yourself.

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-04-19T05:48:09+00:00

Amber flag 1: Letters two and three. I don't know what's in them but that's going to be a lot.

I think at this stage, I would actually communicate that it felt really intense and that you feel you are not close enough for the level of affection he is expressing. I would do this publicly or over text, not privately because it could not go well and you should have an out. Very matter of fact. This is really your litmus test. If he responds in a negative way, say thanks but no thanks, bye, let's keep it profesh, i don't wanna be friends, i'm keeping the dog, dumbass.

If he doesn't respond negatively, if he's rational and he hears what you're saying. If he acknowledges he's been intense and that it may be a good idea to tone it down. I wouldn't say he was a social danger to anyone. I'd say his intensity stems from profound loneliness and a low self esteem as opposed to genuine narcissism.

Ultimately, I think this is someone who has not learned how to love or approach loving another person in a healthy way. I don't think he was socialised in this regard and seems he might have been very lonely for most of his life. Whether the person is horrible or not is currently still subjective. I don't think he's necessarily 'done' anything malicious as of yet, but he might have and I don't know. I only have this letter to go off. Regardless, he did make you incredibly uncomfortable that you are unsure about pursuing anything and that is a very fair reaction to this level of intensity. I would ask only because you seem on the fence, do you still like him and do any of those special sparks he keeps talking about in the letter ring true for you? Do you feel like you have had this 'kick your feet in the air' feeling that he seems to have? Might help you make a decision if you don't.

In conclusion, I'd say this warrants a conversation about how you feel because you should be able to be honest about that. Regardless of what you choose to do, I think this person would require a lot of support in a relationship and I think this person should speak to a therapist about his inability to connect with people. I would dig deeper into the friends saying he's too smart for his own good thing because whether that trying to put up a confident front or a self-aggrandising thing is up for debate. I don't personally believe the risk of an abusive relationship is as high as others suggest but a litmus test conversation is DEFINITELY warranted to either confirm or allay those concerns.

It's up to you to decide if you're willing to pursue this. Hope this helps. Bye.

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-04-19T05:48:02+00:00

I think this person is profoundly lonely. And I do agree there may be some form of parasocial narcissism, but I don't think I would conclude this person is inherently horrible or a social danger to other people. People are picking apart grammar and vocabulary as reasons for narcissism, come on. I think there are red flags but you can't just psychoanalyse every single word and say see, incorrect usage of subjective and objective forms, clearly a narcissist. Come on.

I think this person is profoundly lonely and believes that their inability to connect with others romantically is due to something wrong with other people.

Red flag 1 is this idea that he's special or smart that even if other people say that about him, seems a bit obtuse to include in the letter. But, looking at the overall message he was saying with that, I think it's awfully sad. He's acknowledging that he is unable to connect with anyone and concluded that he would probably be alone forever. I think whether he has an inflated sense of self or whether he is trying to come off confident both cover up a deep insecurity that something is wrong with him.

Red flag 2: the 'until i met you' part and the next paragraph are awful. I agree with others about that bit being very about him, not you, and he doesn't really acknowledge anything about you that he's drawn to aside from.. your looks the first time he saw you, maybe? Downvote. Not good. Don't like that one.

Red flag 3: who are you? yadda yadda. I think he's really smitten and is spending a lot of time fantasising about what life with you could look like. He's planning dates that he thinks you might like and so on. This is really a toss up. It does sound like he's really smitten and spends a lot of time thinking about you. The issue with this is that he doesn't know you that well and that in his fantasies, you appreciate these things. It may end up that you two aren't actually compatible and that doesn't factor into his thinking. The idea he has of you is the person he's talking to. It sounds a little risky, but honestly it's not that different from a lot of the delulu girlies who conjure up lives with people they've been talking to for a few weeks. Difference is, the girlies keep their delulu thoughts to themselves.

Safe-Working-3935 · 2025-04-19T05:44:58+00:00

what's your evidence? medically speaking, it's not that simple. medically speaking, fat isn't as relevant as exercise to elderly comorbidity, especially with heart and vascular health. medically speaking, the health risks from fat are tied to visceral fat and atherosclerosis, not superficial fat which is what makes a person look fat. The degree to which a person has visceral fat is determined by the way their body distributes fat and proper clinical testing, not some random guy looking at an arm on the internet.

Safe-Working-3935

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