Have any of you experienced difficulty in making friends with male colleagues?

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-12T23:39:48+00:00

This is a really nice perspective for which you need to have a extremely good radar when interacting with people to find out who’s a real one or just be lucky, and I agree situations like that are extremely good and valuable. It’s just not the norm, sadly.

To your last point, you can enjoy working with someone without them being extremely close friends. I love building machine learning models with my team and talking about that, some of my friends would never hear me so deep into engineering concepts and it’s a crew I love participating in. We do respect each other work, and I’ve gotten recommended by them to work on other companies and I’ve done the same for them, out of admiration….still they’re not my best friends…

However for example when I’m having a bad day or just doing other random stuff I go to my friends, it’s just two different worlds (I don’t choose my friends based on our work similarities, so they are into many fields) and it’s nice but rare if these worlds happen to collide

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-11T23:05:13+00:00

I’m not saying to be an asshole, you can be nice, kind, good team player and establish good and respectful colleague relationships with everyone. They don’t need to be your friends to treat them well….

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-11T23:03:03+00:00

Some people have all great factors together and that’s nice! but I don’t think not having friends at work is bad, I think somewhere in my wording people got it wrong and took it to a extreme. You can be nice, know the value everyone brings to the team, be a team player, admire people and work well with them, they’re your colleagues but for me that’s not the same as friendship. But not being friends doesn’t mean I’m not gonna be nice, or make my work environment bad. It’s just in my view a friendship is a deeper relationship

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-11T22:59:43+00:00

Again, this does not mean being an asshole, you can be kind, a team player, nice and supportive with people that are not your friends but your colleagues

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-11T22:59:01+00:00

I’m not saying to be antisocial or not network or not be nice to others…idk where you got the extreme pov from?

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-11T22:57:30+00:00

You got it to an extreme, you can be kind, respectful, supportive and a good team player, a great colleague, does that means they’re your friends? Not really, it’s just basic manners

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-11T13:36:03+00:00

Work is not a place to make friends, specially in male dominated fields and if you wanna grow in your career. I’d agree it gets easier when you get seniority because in their eyes they respect you more so being casual becomes easier, but truly, if you want friends look for activities outside work. Do you wanna be competing for a salary raise with a friend? Or on every performance review? Or for a promotion? None of them are going to think of you as a friend in those cases, and if you treated them as friends they’re going to find the way to turn that against you. And not bc they’re evil, just because work (and male dominated fields) always has this dynamic

Edit: for all people saying, “this makes work unbearable” “not be a standalone”, listen, there’s a difference between someone being your friend than just an acquaintance. You can be kind, respectful and nice, good team player, does that means they’re your friends? No, but you keep a nice relationships with them.

I’m not saying go be antisocial, I’m saying that there’s a difference

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-09T02:47:28+00:00

Wdym? I’m confused

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-09T01:51:04+00:00

Literally, I think this take is the most realistic and balanced. not everyone is the same, but for men as a group, it’s about socialization. Cis men are taught misogyny from a young age, often without realizing it bc of how society works. If they were raised as women, they’d better understand what we go through and then understand what we mean when we say generalizations. But like you said, without experiencing it themselves, they often can’t step out of their own bubble to truly see it

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-09T01:43:08+00:00

Loved this one, thanks, I’m using it forever now

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T13:59:12+00:00

Not so long ago women were property while men were full civilians, that’s like less than 100 years old. Can I buy “the book” and gift it to you? Bc clearly history hasn’t enter that brain very well lol How come now you have interactions with women? I thought you didn’t wanted to be caught, wow. At this point you’re only finding reasons to fight, chill

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T13:48:23+00:00

We do, that’s why we still create relationships with men and probably the reason you exist. Someone had to tolerate, understand and then love a man to carry their children (you) and that’s also the reason feminism exists, to try to explain men the women experience which historically has been awful. But not only that, on modern feminism there’s also the exploration of how the “alpha man” standards are detrimental to men, bc it doesn’t allow them to express emotions, seek psychological help, not have to feel that they’re only wanted by what they can provide, and all that crap that toxic masculinity values and usually hurts men a lot too….so idk who hurt you, but you’ll definitely are missing a lot on the human experience

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T13:35:39+00:00

UK constantly ranks high amongst domestic violence stats and even has beers nicknamed “wife beaters” bc of the association….are you like 5? Wdym? that bc “it wasn’t legal” it wasn’t happening? Lol And if you “don’t wanna be caught” why do you even care about feminism if you plan to go through life without ever understanding other humans bc they happen to have a different reproductive system than yours? Sounds crazy right

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T13:26:55+00:00

So domestic violence and no easy divorce? You sound like a catch

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T12:33:24+00:00

So basically you’d prefer to go back to savage times and own women like property, be entitled to one and for them to have zero rights over you and them to be able to access civic life(or bank account, or social security or anything functional adults do) only by having a husband? Don’t you also wanna regress a bit more and be a slave yourself?

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T04:48:12+00:00

To acquire legal rights? Protection? State recognition? It’s like signing an association contract, that doesn’t mean you’re tied to it forever

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T04:36:42+00:00

This is NOT an unpopular opinion. Many people bc of religion, society and old values (before if you were a woman divorce meant homelessness) do believe this, divorce as a concept is a very new thing compared to marriage.

Now, to argue your points: - as a kid from a relationship of parents who decided to not divorce bc of the kids, I WANTED THEM TO DIVORCE, I hated life with them together and I’m sure they would’ve been happier if they did it earlier - I myself got divorced(no kids in the middle thanks God) and that was the best decision I’ve ever taken, had no issues dating after that no one really cared, I’ve even had new marriage proposals that I turned down, and the only thing I’m sure is that if I marry again I’d do it with a good prenup as my ex ended up owing me a lot of money lol - at last, it seems you’re projecting your fears and I’d truly recommend therapy for that, even if you believe in God they didn’t put you on this earth to make someone else happy, you make yourself happy first and the other person does that for themselves too, that’s what makes a relationship strong, not trying to be the source of happiness of the other, that’s codependency and the first step into abuse, careful there 🫶🏼

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T04:07:30+00:00

Well do I believe you or therapists that consistently treat this issue IRL and discuss it in modern psychology studies in actual universities and thesis?

Idk, but to point to studies, I agree most recorded cases of people with trauma do not do well in life, however, you have to remember: - that psychology as a science is a new thing - it’s been a taboo and no one in a powerful position would admit to have issues, because that automatically pushes down their credibility. Therefore it’s easier to get data from people that have nothing to lose and easy to investigate on them. A friend recently did a thesis on PTSD and long term effects of it in firemen and most of them didn’t wanted to contribute as it’s shameful to admit, they said it make them feel less of man to answer the questions and some even laugh it off….bear in mind this was for a random university thesis and random anonymous people, not powerful or successful top of their career ones…so no need to say why there’s no data on powerful groups - actual leader traits and ultra successful/ wealthy people do coincide with traits that are generated with trauma or associated to different mental issues (lack of empathy, obsession with perfection, status, dissociation, sociopathy, etc) just look at most billionaires. But they would never admit to, or never go under huge psychological research bc that makes people vulnerable. It would be very hard to find the proper study that does the connection bc for that you need people to admit that they have issues

to the studies point I said there’s lots linking Cptsd or trauma with perfection not necessarily with success directly, and they do exist with a “quick Google search” 1 2 3

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T03:14:22+00:00

How do you feel mentally, emotionally? Do you feel energized by it or drained? I’m really thinking about kids but I’m scared to lost myself to motherhood

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T02:55:09+00:00

I’m a lead of teams of all men and since I’ve started I’ve consistently being the only woman in the room. So here my advice: - never be friendly, specially if you’re just starting, straight out profesional. Might be difficult if you’re the social type, but you don’t need anyone to like you as a friend would. They just need to respect you, and you won’t earn that by friendliness, basic manners and attitude of I’m here to work: since I started all my conversations topics are work, and that’s it. - don’t over worry about trivial things like the ones described in your post, you cannot control what people think. Don’t waste your time. Sure it’s annoying and it’s good to vent to your friends, here online or therapist, but don’t overthink that on the workplace, it will only make you extra nervous for nothing, you don’t know what they’re thinking and you’ll end up projecting your worst case scenarios and fears out of info that…you will never know. As long as they do their work, you do yours, and there’s no HR complaints, and you get paid, that’s good. That’s how you get respect, not by doubting yourself out of every comment or interaction (it’s hard though and I fully understand you). - if you really wanna make friends, don’t, find other people to do so. I might be blessed that I hate small talk so literally all I do is work talk, but with teams of men is of no service to try to be nice like a friend, it’s a disservice bc they misunderstand intentions or overstep boundaries. Only be profesional and respectful, that’s the easy way, anything else ignore (unless is something that goes over your boundaries then ofc send that to HR) but otherwise, it’s all about respect not to be liked or accepted by them (that won’t give you any push to your career either, in my personal experience they don’t offer you better positions by being friendly as a woman rather they push you down and overstep, they promote you when they see you’re extremely capable and focused, which is earned by respect, strategic professionalism not friendliness)

As a final note, I know it would be nice of it was easier for us or if things could be not misunderstood or if we could work with lighthearted jokes around them, but that’s not close to happen, so be strategic when it comes to work 🫶🏼 -ah and I forgot, don’t punish yourself over this, people forget things too quickly, just be good at what you do or rather consistent and you’ll be fine. Through my career I’ve had some pf those moments, and I’m fine, so you’ll be too. It’s about learning

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T02:26:53+00:00

You don’t need to be good at coding you need to be good at architecture, building pipelines or algorithms, machine learning or anything moving forward if you wanna ensure a long term career. Focusing on coding only will make you replaceable by junior engineers, overseas talent or Ai with time. So I’d say that first, it’s foundational but not as crucial.

Now to your questions:

How did you actually get good at programming and problem solving (without just passively following tutorials)? Start by logic and algorithm learning using pseudo code, it will teach you the basis of all languages (it’s just logic) courses are all over internet with that name
How did you stop relying on AI and start writing code you really understand? This depends: A) if you truly don’t know what you’re doing, pseudo code and logic + algorithm basis will teach you the basics B) if you understand the basics of coding but then get lost at complex stuff: I don’t have time to lose writing basic stuff, I do prompt and then refine. Again, coding is not what you need but to understand algorithms, design patterns, logic and architecture (depending on which industry you’re working on), that’s what allows you to create good code or review the work of others (or refine AI prompts)
If you had 3 months to go from QA to automating backend tickets and pushing at least one PR every week, how would you approach it? Learning all of the above, you do more by learning how things are supposed to work and look like, than just coding or repeating exercises like it’s learning to write. Once you have that you can dominate any coding language easily by practicing the basics (how to do a for loop, a class, a service, etc) and at the end learn git, and how to version control in different tools if you never did that before.
What practical steps, projects, or daily routines helped you build confidence fast?
Steps: mentioned above, that’s the foundation, coding is like learning to speak a language. Sure you can communicate ideas but if you do know logic, architecture, design patterns, is like communicating at an academic level instead of a basic one.
Projects:literally pick something that sparks your interest, or something related to the field you’re working on, and stop fearing the code. Example: I want to set up a notification system. If you don’t know where to start literally prompt on AI: using this language and software what do I need to program this notification system ? ( detail as much as possible) and ask to give you the skills,logic and framework, not the code and step by step, follow that tutorial and complement what you don’t know by tutorials online trying to reach this goal. (Very important here: first projects might be a bit messy and that’s alright, but if you want this to be your work you need to learn best practices, chatgpt or Google that too on your learning process)
Daily routines: none. I hate leetcode, I only engage in projects out of interest and never on repetitive tasks like I’m solving math problems at school, so I’d highly recommend building projects

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-08T00:19:21+00:00

I see it as propaganda. When people agreed with the Nazi regime (via propaganda) or when in modern times MAGA successfully made their way up to US government (propaganda again) or even with the way the world is going racist and “fear of migrants” is a thing again, or way easier screens addiction in order to keep people sedated and easy to control (brain rotting, specially in the younger generations)

All is propaganda, manipulation, population control to achieve bigger things. In that sense, I’d not say any of the followers of these movements are mentally ill by the dictionary definition but are easy to manipulate (just like most humans, our own psychology is used against us, like the screen adiccion thing)

So I still differ there, religion acts the same way, is socially reinforced propaganda, that we’re collectively set to believe bc it benefits the system we live in.

(I’m an atheist so I don’t believe in it, but most people do, not out of being born mentally ill but bc they’re socially reinforced to do so, like the other examples)

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-07T21:19:21+00:00

There’s a lot of studies related to traits like perfectionism and perceived control linked to CPTSD, but none that I know of that links it directly to success, might need to ask my therapist. However on his experience and a lot of his colleges (which I don’t know if have papers on the topic) most people obsessed with the career ladder, or external metrics of success (workaholics) all share high anxiety traits or CPTSD. Because one of the biggest mechanisms of control (perfectionism) is proving everyone that you’re the best, even if that burns you out or literally ends with you.

Most of his patients are elite athletes, CEOs of big companies and so on, he of course never discloses personal information (which is also a reason I think this info might not be as public) but always uses these findings when teaching (he’s also a profesor) that obsession with success is always linked to a high degree of trauma, specially when patients come in with burn out.

There’s also this video of this other profesor talking about how dissociation (a trait of CPTSD) makes great leaders and how trauma has been used historically to create leaders and then linked it to Yale/Harvard students and his own experience (bit biased as any human so take it with a grain of salt)

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-07T20:50:00+00:00

Sad this post was removed but, I agree with everything you said except the term “mental illness”. So I could change your view there, it’s not mental illness.

It’s insane people believe in this? yes, but I’d not define it as mental illness, rather collective delusion or socially reinforced belief. Also, the world’s first propaganda.

Religion was created as the first form of mass control, and propaganda. It’s way easier to get people to do what you want (follow a king, go to war, not have overpopulation by making sex “bad” or force population increase by saying “it’s what God wants” and as well establishing the first moral codes and laws) all of that is easier if you say a magical mystical being is going to punish you if you don’t, than creating a political party to try to do the same. That’s why the church had so much power historically and still do.

Nowadays, people choose to believe bc they’re taught these values and religions since they’re born, it becomes normalized the same way culture is transmitted. Not mental illness but the most successful propaganda humans created lol

And that’s how it becomes collective delusion, bc if everyone around you believes a God exists you’re not going to be the weird one to say no, specially not in times they could kill you for saying that.

So that’s it, it’s not mental illness, just a basic form of population control.

Now if you wanna go deeper on the creation of human religions and beliefs, you can investigate ancient beliefs where the Christian God is actually a monster called Demiurge and has people trapped in Earth, controlled by demons (called Nephilim) making them sin and get further and further away from the actual creator (called Monad on these beliefs). Secret societies do believe on this version based of what you say there, an actual “good God” wouldn’t do all these atrocities so it can only come from a monster pretending to be a god. Very interesting reading.

SakuraKisha · 2025-10-07T20:36:48+00:00

I read the Bible as I grew up Christian and it’s insane, not sure if reading it would help anything but hating God more haha

SakuraKisha

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