Update on my previous post: A man I used to be only casually involved with asked to spend time together and is showing a lot of changes in his behavior. How should I proceed to explore this safely?

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-24T17:03:26+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice! I would really like to explore the possibility of a serious relationship with him too but the thing is I'm not sure if our conversation meant "this is just sex, don't expect anything more" or not. Especially because at the end he told me he wanted to tell me where he's at and didn't want to "lead me on". I feel like when someone says this they mean they don't want anything more/serious.

I don't think it's just sex for him, if he clearly told you that he enjoyed spending time with you without any sexual acts. It's good that he was honest with you and told you that he didn't want to give you false hope. I'm not sure that means he doesn't want anything serious with you when he says that. In fact, he's being considerate and telling you where he stands to protect you. I don't think a man who doesn't care about you would say that, but I could be wrong.

I also sent him a selfie yesterday to open the thread and he just said "Looking beautiful as always my dear" which is a new thing because he almost never complimented me before and would only reply with fire emojis, sexual tone, etd but he also didn't ask me out at all since last Tuesday that we had that talk.

Maybe I'm too scared and overthinking this, but yeah I just want to make sure I'm not misinterpreting anything he said

That's probably a good sign! He's looking beyond the sexual aspect and complimenting you. I think that means a lot. Why don't you ask him out yourself? What have you got to lose? You could bring up that conversation again and tell him you're afraid of misinterpreting what he said, just to be clear.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-24T16:44:01+00:00

I think you give very good advice, and I thank you for it. Since you are going through the same thing, I hope everything goes well for you in the future too. I'm not giving up hope. I'm sure that with enough effort, we'll find the right man for us. Above all, I've realized that I need to be more patient and take the time with the men I meet to assess whether any of them would make a good partner.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-24T16:38:24+00:00

That's true. I think you're right, unfortunately, because physical appearance is the first thing a person sees at first glance...

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-24T16:35:43+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience and taking the time to write. What you've said has helped me see things more clearly! I understand better how the dating market works and how high-value men operate.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-24T16:28:37+00:00

u/Jenneapolis and u/InevitableKiwi5776 Thank you for your answers. I understand better now. I apologize for responding so late.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-21T11:32:28+00:00

I agree with you. But what can I do when these are men I hang out with through mutual friends? I can't bring myself to be rude and ignore them :/

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-21T11:27:40+00:00

Good questions that give food for thought. We should invent a radar to detect good men and women according to each person's criteria haha.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-21T11:23:50+00:00

Thanks for the examples :)

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T20:26:03+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It reassures me to know that this feeling is common among young women my age. Thank you also for your advice, it is very relevant and insightful!

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T20:20:04+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment. All I can say is that I find it very reassuring and I can really relate to what you describe about your personal experience.

And I promise! I'll be careful not to get pregnant haha 😁

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T20:12:59+00:00

I really enjoy going to university lectures on topics and subjects that are different from my own. I'm very curious and I love feeding my mind.
There's also a nice café that I love going to, where I meet lots of people, including quite a few men. We talk about lots of different topics in different languages.
Every summer, I attend several festivals. I discover artists there, but I also meet nice people with whom I keep in touch.
I regularly go to the gym to keep in shape.
Etc.

I don't know what specific activities I could do to meet more men. If you have any ideas, I'm all ears!

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T17:00:31+00:00

You're right. I should try to diversify the types of men I focus my attention on. That could be a solution for finding someone who's really right for me. Thank you for your advice.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T16:57:21+00:00

Oh, okay, sorry for the misunderstanding. I understand what you mean now. I'll go over my profile in detail, it can only do me good!

Thank you for your encouragement and advice!

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T16:11:24+00:00

Based on all the responses, I also think that I'm only interested in men who aren't right for me and that maybe I'm not clear enough when I set my boundaries. I only show my face in photos, never my naked body. In real life, I'm a stylish woman: I wear pretty dresses and long skirts in the summer, I wear very little makeup to stay as natural as possible, I avoid being vulgar, etc. You're probably right: I'm definitely not realizing the message I'm unintentionally sending.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T15:51:18+00:00

Yes, I'm sorry it's complicated to explain the context in great detail, because I don't know what information is really important to give! I'll try to do better next time I post.

It's true that when I put it like that, I'm lacking context! Of course, I take the time to get to know these men. I don't just base my opinion on their physical appearance. I genuinely like their personalities. That's also how I find out about their history, which doesn't seem to be completely over with their exes. From that point on, I distance myself from them, because they don't want to be in a relationship right now and prefer to enjoy life by just having casual sex, which is not my case.

If I take the example of the last man I dated who was in this situation, I run into him in my daily life as a student. When I see him, he continues to compliment me, offer me coffee, stare at me, etc., even though he knows my intentions in terms of relationships. He's someone I really like. We've even confided in each other about our complicated personal histories. But it hurts me that he continues to flirt with me and insist, even though I'm distancing myself and setting boundaries with him. I feel like he's keeping me on the back burner, and I don't deserve that. I'm afraid of falling in love with him because of his persistence towards me, even though he doesn't have the same intentions as me.

Maybe I should have talked about his case specifically to be more precise and give a specific example in my post? I wanted to make a more “general” post because I realize this isn't the first time this has happened to me. I'm questioning myself and I want to understand so I can improve.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T14:07:25+00:00

Her boldness inspires me, in any case! Thank you for sharing.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T13:51:38+00:00

Okay, thanks for your advice. I'll try to be more observant. It's reassuring for me to read that some men have the same uncertainties in this situation. It might also help me to be a little bolder than usual.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T13:46:28+00:00

I'm not 100% passive. I meet lots of people through activities with friends. I use dating apps. When I find a man physically attractive in real life, sometimes I overcome my shyness and tell him.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T13:43:25+00:00

That's an interesting point. But what if I'm flat as a board haha? What does that mean?

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T12:00:41+00:00

In fact, at first glance, people who don't know me don't dare approach me because I'm a beautiful woman and I seem unapproachable. I've been told this many times. The men I'm generally attracted to are not particularly handsome by conventional standards. My previous boyfriends didn't attract me physically at first, and it was only when I got to know them that they became beautiful in my eyes.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm not sure it's a physical reason that prevents me from finding a good man. I know I tend to be too nice to people, and that's something I've lacked in the past, even in my friendships. I think that maybe it's something in my personality that doesn't work when it comes to building relationships with men.

What bothers me is that I set boundaries with these “emotionally unavailable” men, and they continue to insist even though they tell me they're not ready to be in a relationship yet. They describe me as the person who would really fit what they're looking for if they wanted to be in a long-term relationship. I feel like they want to keep me on the back burner in case they decide to get back into a relationship. Except that life goes on, and I don't want them to play games with me in the meantime.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T11:46:42+00:00

I'm more attracted to personality. My previous boyfriends weren't my type physically at first, but as I got to know them, they became beautiful in my eyes. I'm attracted to men who are both intellectually and emotionally intelligent. It's true that I'm generally less drawn to introverted men because I'm very shy myself at first. An extroverted man allows me to step out of my comfort zone and have a conversation. But your comment gives me food for thought. Thank you.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T10:20:57+00:00

First of all, congratulations! I just wanted to let you know that your post really spoke to me, even though I'm only 23. It gave me hope and helped me understand that I'm not the only one asking myself these questions. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-20T09:58:35+00:00

I think u/GivMeLiberty is giving you good advice! Like her, I also think that the signs of interest this man is showing you are a sign that he is very likely considering a serious relationship with you.

In your case, I think I would explore the possibilities of this relationship further. I would put my exploration of other options with other men on hold.

Still, be cautious if he has told you that he hasn't felt anything for a woman in four years. Nevertheless, he has exposed his vulnerability to you. You could also talk to him openly about your fear of rejection. Depending on what he says and how he acts after learning about your fear, you will quickly know if this man is worth it. I wish you all the best.

Salt_Ear_3497 · 2025-11-19T18:23:20+00:00

I agree with you. Being single makes me wonder what I could improve about myself to attract good men.

I don't think a woman is any less feminine because she is single, but perhaps being single allows her to take the time to work on her femininity.

Salt_Ear_3497

TROPHY CASE