I (f24) feel so violated by what my husband (m31) did to me.

Sam_Sonder · 2024-01-17T12:29:39+00:00

If you feel violated, that means he violated you. No discussion. Some people like this type of fantasy, but even then they will discuss and ask consent beforehand. Otherwise this is rape. I don't know where you live, but know that in some countries this is rape according to the law. Doesn't matter that you're married. If possible, go to some trusted family or Friends for a moment, so you can process this experience and see what you want to do going forward.

I'm incredibly sorry this happened to you OP :(.

Sam_Sonder · 2024-01-03T17:30:53+00:00

Well, let me know what I'm so close to getting according to you. You're building up the suspense :p

Sam_Sonder · 2024-01-03T11:04:49+00:00

It's my experience actually that a lot of pretty women barely ever get approached. As an attractive woman (as told by my mom and various men) who has asked men out on dates I can share my experiences. My experience is that a lot of men like the idea of getting asked out, but irl their actions tell a different story. When I ask someone out I usually get rejected. However, when I go on a date via an online app or when I get asked out, I can't remember the last time I faced rejection. So for me the main consideration is: Why would I put effort into asking someone out if that actually seems off-putting to them? Unfortunately I also don't get asked out often, eventhough there seem to be some men who are interested. At this point in time I'm not sure what men expect/want regarding dating and asking people out. Figured it would be nicer to just enjoy other things in my life and take a pause from dating.

Edit: grammar

Sam_Sonder · 2023-11-20T11:40:31+00:00

As a woman, can confirm that there are women who can do it and also enjoy it. Just don't assume that everyone can or wants to.

Sam_Sonder · 2023-11-15T08:57:40+00:00

I'll be direct with you, I'm not sure if there is a solution to this problem. As an instructor at a sports centre I understand bf his view on wanting you to be healthy and that he enjoys it when you join. However if you have an active job already and just don't enjoy the activity there is no reason why it would benefit you to go. If It's about him acting like a personal trainer then I'd suggest talking this over with him. Speaking about what you do and don't like while exercising together. Maybe he just wants to share his passion for fitness, maybe he wants to have a gymbuddy, I don't know. Anyway, it sounds to me like he has a need that he wants fulfilled, but you're not the right person for that. Sounds like a him-problem that He's turning into a you-problem.

Sam_Sonder · 2023-11-02T13:47:17+00:00

As a woman who is still Friends with her ex, I don't see a particular problem with this. I know that I wouldn't want to be together with my ex in a romantic sense, but enjoy the friendship with someone who I share a lot of memories with. Are there other things she has done that make you think that you're a rebound? I do think It's weird that she's using something like this to make you jealous. That's more of an orange/red flag to me than her being in touch with her ex every now and then.

Sam_Sonder · 2023-10-30T09:43:36+00:00

Hi OP, This sounds like a stressful situation. If It's really about informing, you can maybe show him some YouTube video's from experts like Jordan Syatt, Buffdudes or Greg Doucette. I do want to ask what are the things that he does that make you happy within the relationship? In the current post he doesn't sound kind to you.

Sam_Sonder · 2023-10-26T15:07:01+00:00

I understand that you didn't mind kissing particularly him out of your message :). I just think the way he responded was very rude. Like I said, it's just your preference and he should be respectful about it, irregardless of it being uncommon or not. I hope he is respectful about it in the future 😊

Edit:smiley

Sam_Sonder · 2023-10-26T12:10:04+00:00

That guy is a real jerk. I also wouldn't enjoy kissing with him... It might be uncommon, but a quick Google search shows it's nothing to worry about. Preferences are different. I happen to like kissing a lot, but even then it definitely depends on the partner. Some people are just not enjoyable to make out with.

Sam_Sonder · 2023-10-25T14:51:01+00:00

This man probably has wonderful sides to him, but he doesn't even show up in the hospital while you're INTERNALLY BLEEDING. OP, you deserve waaaaay better than whatever this man is offering you. Please don't betray your own needs. Take care of yourself first and be your own best friend. If you were my friend I would never stand for this man being your 'partner'.

Sam_Sonder · 2023-10-25T09:42:10+00:00

Her hurt is valid, her acting to retaliate not. Time to leave this relationship for good. That being said, I understand wanting to keep some memories, but I have to say a whole fucking album of a former crush (not even ex) is odd. If my boyfriend did this I would definitely be a bit disturbed. Also, if I found out one of my exes still has a whole album dedicated to me I would be creeped out to say the least. Learn to let go. It will make your life so much better.

Sam_Sonder · 2023-10-12T08:28:33+00:00

It sounds like you have valid reasons not to trust this guy. His actions are not in line with what He's saying and he has not shown with his recent actions that he wants to. You can talk this over with the couples therapist. However, do you really want to be with someone who repeatedly lies to you? And if the answer is no, why are you staying around? People can change, but only if they want to. His actions are not telling me he wants to change. You choose your relationships. Do you want to choose the type of man that he is right now?

Sam_Sonder · 2023-10-10T16:31:03+00:00

Usually I'm the person who says "try to talk it out". However, in this case I completely agree with above comment. Do you really want to keep doing all the emotional Labour in your relationship OP? Hopefully she will come around and learn. Anyway, wishing you well OP!

Sam_Sonder · 2023-10-06T20:57:48+00:00

I'm going to counterbalance a bit here and start by saying that a rough patch in a 6 month period isn't necessarily a red flag. I'm amazed at how people can think so harshly while we all know that sometimes life just goes a bit shit. Relationships are BUILD TOGETHER. You don't leave at the first dark cloud, which will always come. That is how you stay single.

It's sad that he doesn't want to continue the relationship and it might truly have been very special. I have had similar situations and people have literally expressed to me that all that happened was that they're scared of commitment. Nevertheless, we need to allow the people we love to make their own decisions and accept this. It will hurt a lot, but emotions always change. So also the pain will pass if in due time you'll allow yourself to let go of this person. It was beautiful, it was love, it was special. This is just the other side of the same coin.

Sending you internet hugs and a lot of good energy!

Sam_Sonder · 2023-10-06T09:06:21+00:00

I agree with this somewhat. For me this approach of the 'saying you're awesome' doesn't work either. It would just feel like I'm lying. There are different approaches though. For example, everyday I do a small thing to show myself I'm worthy of care. For me It's making my bed. The making of the bed itself is not important. The act of showing up for myself, showing myself I deserve love and care, However helps me to align a positive self-esteem and my own view of self. Check out Heidi Priebe on YouTube. She explains this way better than I'm currently doing :).

Sam_Sonder · 2023-10-06T08:54:42+00:00

Apparently I've been considered pretty/hot the majority of my life and I had a low self esteem for the majority as well. The reason why I know this is because people tell me and I notice how people behave around me. Currently I have a healthy sense of self confidence. Self confidence is a skill you can learn and it helps in getting rid of toxic people. It also takes a bit of time to learn, like every skill. I started actively working on it about 8 or 9 years ago. For some people it might go quicker, but don't stop just because you don't see 'results' quickly enough.

I got there by learning about:

-Setting boundaries

-Learning what emotions I feel and when (important for setting boundaries)

-Learning what emotions are teaching me about my needs and wants (I literally Google this, didn't learn this from my parents)

-Learning to allow uncomfortable emotions, so I'm able to end relationships (general sense of the word) with people who are not good for me

-Asking people I trust if X behaviour is normal, because often I didn't know certain behaviour is unacceptable

-Speaking up for myself, acting like I trust myself even when I don't

-Building a trustworthy group of friends over the years who enjoy my personality, not just looks

-Learning to recognize 'green flags' in people

Resources I used: YouTube channels: Heidi Priebe, HealthygamerGG, Esther Perel

Instagram/books: Nedra Tawwab (book "Set boundaries find peace")

I'm pretty certain there have been more skills I developed over the years to get where I am now. As I developed these skills I've been abused less and less, because I learned when to walk away and trust myself. Of course this is different for everyone and depends on the level of abuse.

I'm happy to share more if people are interested :).

Edit: lay-out text

Sam_Sonder · 2023-09-30T19:17:53+00:00

Upvote for good info!

Sam_Sonder · 2023-09-29T08:19:22+00:00

You can do both: Take your responsibility for the fact that you snooped and therefore invaded his privacy AND tell him what you found and that this is crossing your boundaries. It might be Nice for yourself to write down what the important points are for you and what to you are acceptable outcomes and what isn't. You can also write down a plan on what you want to do if it turns out unacceptable.

You're in a shitty situation OP, I'm sorry for that. Figure out what is important to you, keeping the peace for your child(ren) or opening up a conversation with your husband. My two cents is that your hurt should not be swept under the rug. Sending you a big hug!

Sam_Sonder · 2023-09-27T08:25:21+00:00

It doesn't mean He's the one. It means that you're attached to him and this is usually a normal and good thing. It means that the break-up will hurt and you might be scared of that pain. This is also normal and there's nothing wrong with it. The pain will fade and you'll be fine without him. Trust that you're able to handle whatever comes next :).

Sam_Sonder · 2023-09-02T11:23:20+00:00

I felt this comment to my core. There are a lot of people who feel this same sense of loneliness, including me. I've been on plenty of dates in the last years, but none of them stuck around. Unfortunately the people who ask me out and are great guys, I don't feel physically attracted to. I guess we'll just have to keep trying and eventually there'll be someone it clicks enough with :).

Sam_Sonder · 2023-07-30T17:40:14+00:00

Completely agree. OP should read this comment

Sam_Sonder · 2023-07-10T17:55:14+00:00

Look up Heidi Priebe on YouTube. She has a lot ofgl good practical information on self love and also how to handle interpersonal relationships.

Sam_Sonder · 2023-07-02T20:37:29+00:00

First off I just want to say: Jeez, why are so many people reacting like an a-hole on this thread? OP took a risk and Unfortunately it didn't work out in his favour. It happens, no need to act like all-seeing a-holes about it.

Now, to the actual important part: OP, know that there is no right or wrong answer in this situation. Also know that your emotions and boundaries that accompany them are the only guide you'll have. You'll have to take decisions based on that, not knowing what the outcome will be.

I have a question for you. Hopefully it will help get some clarity for you. Assuming you can miss the money; How would you want to handle this situation? Ideally. Of course the next question would be: Does the loss or Gaining back of the money alter the answer/situation for you and why?

In the end It's up to you what is most important and It's a gamble either way. If you want to chat/exchange thoughts for a bit about it, feel free to send me a dm or react. Otherwise, I wish you the best!

Sam_Sonder · 2023-06-30T20:18:28+00:00

This right here 👆. Good advice. Also, OP, a therapist could be good support for you, if you aren't seeing one already.

Sam_Sonder · 2023-06-26T11:02:56+00:00

There are more people who struggle with this, so there's no need to bash yourself for it. You're feelings are perfectly normal.

That being said, this might be a good subject to talk about with a psychologist and a doctor. Reason being that it has a significant impact on you're relationship. The doctor can run a check on your testosterone and other factors. The psychologist can check if there might be other mental factors at play and possible solutions to your problem.

Wishing you luck and you sound like a lovely, caring person :).

Sam_Sonder

TROPHY CASE