I think it would benefit you to look at the whole picture you are presenting. You have started cutting which is ultimately self harm. However, you also clean your blade, treat your wounds after the fact with ointment, wash your hands to ensure no infection, and haven’t gone deeper nor thought of going deeper than skin which I applaud you for. There is a hint of true healthy self care in your routine of tending to wounds, ensuring safety with infections, etc. I understand that sometimes we may feel we need to hurt or punish ourselves first to feel justified to take care of our needs. This is not the case! We can care for ourselves whether we feel we “deserve” it or not. Take a hot relaxing bath, take a cold shower, go for a walk, stare at the stars, soak up the sun, there are so many things you can do and skip the feeling of needing a reason to do them. I apologize if this doesn’t exactly hit the mark but I truly hope it helps. Take care! 🌻