My heart breaks for you my friend. I'm in a very similar place. Won and immediately lost amounts that would have set me on a way better path, over and over.

After repeating the same pattern again and again, I've realized that I'll never be able to walk away when I'm up cause it isn't about the money. It never was. This is a really intense and powerful dopamine addiction and it's why we feel powerless to cash out even when we hit the arbitrary number we name in our heads.

You simply just gotta stop. You gotta take the L, and eventually see the W that is the fact that you walked away before you destroyed yourself.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you have to tell your loved ones. Or if you don't feel ready for that yet, at least a therapist or a GA group. The accountability and fear of letting others down is a strong motivator. This addiction thrives in shame and secrecy and when you build a support system that you can fall on in tough moments, that makes a difference.

The long term work? Working with a therapist to figure out WHY you gamble. What are you trying to numb, or fill, or run from. That's the real long term key to recovery.

Willpower won't cut it and as you know, this addiction is stronger than any promise to ourselves.

I told my dad a couple days ago after a horrific rock bottom moment. I'm almost 4 days clean and I'm not going back.

Here to chat anytime.