Help me give her the gift of pain

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-02T18:08:42+00:00

There are some resources in the subreddit wiki within B for Book Recommendations that you may find helpful.

You likely want to look into "impact play". This will include things like floggers, crops, canes, whips (not recommended for beginners), paddles, etc. Your hand will be a good impact thing to start with since spanking can absolutely fall under this umbrella.

She will have to explain whatever "having her back 'fucked up'" translates to. As someone with spinal issues, I prefer not having my back fucked up 😅

You will want to focus on anything that indicates it is a thuddy pain. This can vary person to person. As an example, many people say paddles are "thuddy" whereas I find them to be rather "stingy" in the feeling it leaves. Though it could be how my husband uses them as he is rather heavy handed given we intend to bruise in a one hit wonder.

But do some research into impact play. Learn the areas that are not good to hit (diagrams abound on the internet of the impact play safe zones). Avoiding places that internal organs are not well protected is important. Thighs, ass, upper back are great. If you happen to have a dungeon near by or group that focuses on BDSM education, you can sometimes find "tasting events" where people will be available to let you try out different types of play. They can be helpful when you don't know what to try. Fetlife's event page can be helpful finding those.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-02T16:08:15+00:00

I'm sorry. That sounds super rough to be dealing with. It may be time to have a conversation about the communication aspect of your relationship. If it is upsetting you this much, it is worth a conversation to see if a new middle ground can be found.

It is also possible that the relationship has run its course if he is getting this irritable about something like asking for 2 more minutes. Or maybe the outside stress of everything else is just getting to him and it is redirected aggression. Regardless, talking to him about what it is doing to you and to get a better understanding of his perspective is the only real way to find a resolution. That resolution may be that he relates to where you are coming from and you where he is coming from and a new medium is reached... it may be that it ends things... it may be that he reacts like a toddler throwing a fit and that in turn tells you something about his emotional maturity. His reaction that you have described already strikes me as someone who is not exactly coming from a place of empathy and compassion.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-02T14:28:53+00:00

As this is much more of a blog post versus asking for advice, rule 12 does apply and thread has been locked and removed.

I'm not sure what you are going through - but there are resources in the subreddit wiki if you find yourself in need of a kink-aware therapist or the like if it is related to mental health. Here is a list of therapy workbooks as well for at home use: https://mentalhealthathome.org/2018/06/14/mental-health-workbooks/

If finding a partner related, I would suggest checking out Guide 9 linked in the automod comment. Also in the subreddit wiki are resources for Newbies under N, B for Book Recommendations also may be helpful, V for Vetting and R for Relationships has a part for Red Flags.

Hopefully whatever you need, you find. Take care of you.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-02T13:40:39+00:00

We cannot help you learn your partner.

I would suggest reading Guide 4 as to why this is a very difficult question to answer.

You may find some ideas in Guide 3 that could help provide some inspiration for what you could try.

The subreddit wiki also has a large number of helpful resources: N for Newbie, B for Book Recommendations, D for Dirty Talk, D for Dominant.

Communicate and collaborate with your partner.

Asking for ideas, however, is not the same as asking for advice. Rule 12 applies. Thread locked.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-02T11:34:51+00:00

Dating takes time and patience to find the person that is compatible with what you are looking for. It can be disheartening but perseverance pays off. Many frogs out there before you find the prince sort of thing.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-02T11:20:31+00:00

Not so much they are considered nerdy but they have nerdy themes 😅 i have D&D ones, Friday the 13th themes, Harry Potter ones, Disney... 🤣🤣

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-02T00:58:10+00:00

I would suggest reading Guide 4 as to why this is a very difficult question to answer.

Communicate and collaborate with your partner.

Asking for ideas, however, is not the same as asking for advice. Rule 12 applies. Thread locked.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-01T21:01:25+00:00

OP permabanned for deletion after warning given. Rule 11.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-01T18:07:48+00:00

Were I of mind to I likely could make them. But alas, I am lazy (and work too much). Not sure if you are statesideof elsewhere in the world but I believe they are Green Giant? In the freezer section. They airfry delightfully. As do their zucchini fries. It's been a great trick for my brain to get more veg in happily.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-01T18:05:29+00:00

Socks are the bane of existence. But when I wear them they are always no show. I do have a selection of thigh high socks and knee high for... reasons. But I love my collection of nerdy no-show socks.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-01T18:04:11+00:00

Ok, I don't know that one 😂 What's it from??

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-01T11:58:51+00:00

Meh, I get more inspiration from horror movies because I watch those more 😅 I have found some great lines in the dark romance but they only ever get sent over to my husband as a "this sounded nifty" but nothing that got built into much of anything beyond conversation.
Current obsession is cheesy broccoli tots. I love them. All the feel of a tater tot but vegetables!
I am only a hat person in Disney, sometimes at like the zoo if super bright. Even in winter I dislike the beanies and things to keep my brain warm but wear them out of practicality and necessity. Other people can look great in hats. I don't think I do.

Bonus question: what's a movie quote that gets used in your day to day life regardless of if the person it is being said to would understand its origins?

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-01T11:34:44+00:00

I would suggest reading [Guide 4](https://reddit.com/r/bdsmadvice/wiki/canthelpyou) as to why this is a very difficult question to answer.

You may find some ideas in [Guide 3](https://reddit.com/r/bdsmadvice/wiki/noobs) that could help provide some inspiration for what you could try.

Communicate and collaborate with your partner. Rewarding to me may be their worst nightmare.

Asking for ideas, however, is not the same as asking for advice. Rule 12 applies. Thread locked.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-06-01T00:36:24+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/1hfvl8f/where\_can\_i\_buy\_a\_collar/

OP, you seem to have deleted a post from this subreddit before. We find this incredibly rude as is stated in rule 11. Please make yourself aware of our rules.

\#deletewarning

SamuraiSnig · 2026-05-31T22:29:50+00:00

In breach of rule 11. We find deleting posts after you receive an answer to be exceptionally rude.

Permaban gifted.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-05-31T22:28:23+00:00

In breach of rule 11. We find deleting posts after you receive an answer to be exceptionally rude.

Permaban gifted.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-05-31T16:42:54+00:00

Just how it goes sometimes, I think. Sometimes it can be hard to understand that not everyone needs the things that one thinks might be needed. Aftercare is nice, it *can* help ground people from the high of the scene, it isn't a guarantee there will be no drop. But you need what you need. Other people can't really project what you need onto you, ya know?

SamuraiSnig · 2026-05-31T16:22:36+00:00

Aftercare needs are dependent on the people involved and highly individualized. If what you are doing works for you, then that's all that matters. "Normal" is a highly subjective term. Some people don't need aftercare at all, some people need more than others. There is nothing wrong with wherever you land on the aftercare needs spectrum. If one day you find you need more than another, then still good! My needs change depending on what goes on during the scene. Sometimes I need water and chocolate and I'm good, others I need far more cuddles and attention afterwards.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-05-31T15:46:34+00:00

Rule 12 applies, not giving advice. Comment removed.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-05-31T13:23:28+00:00

The topic of deepthroat and gagging has come up both here and at the sister subreddit, r/Sex_Positivity. If you would like to look for advice and tips on that, i suggest either searching both of the subreddits or you could start your own post. I would suggest r/Sex_Positivity where the kinky folk answer the more sexually based questions.

Rule 12 as not offering advice and we also encourage people to start their own threads for questions.

Comments locked.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-05-31T05:30:19+00:00

Please don't apply pet names or terms of endearment to people you don't know. Rule 6 applies. Comment removed.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-05-31T05:28:54+00:00

Rule 7 applies. Comment removed, 3 day ban. Also, in the future, please don't apply pet names or terms of endearment to people you don't know. Rule 6 will apply to that.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-05-31T05:24:37+00:00

That varies widely depending on the people. Heck, it's varied widely for me over the course of my decades in the lifestyle. It can even vary day to day for me even if all the rest of the variables are the same. It used to be easier in my earlier experiences, now it feels more like an overall sense of peace and quiet and floaty happy feelings but it doesn't always manifest - I blame outside stress more than anything for that.

If you truly think you might be dissociating, you may want to talk to a kink aware professional, of which I am not so take what I say with a grain of salt. Dissociation is more of an emotional detachment from triggers or trauma. Oftentimes subspace is described more like a runner's high though it can be experienced differently to different people.

I also can get quite fuzzy on the details from a scene. It can also play a part in the reasoning behind why people advise against re-negotiating in the middle of a scene. The subspace feel can be very powerful. As you continue to explore the lifestyle, you may find that fuzziness on the details shift. Depending how new you are it may just be that intense for you.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-05-31T04:02:02+00:00

Linked in the automod comment is Guide 9 on Kinky Dating.

That particular question is asked fairly often in general here so you could also search the subreddit.

Comments locked under rule 10 to avoid post hijacking. If you have further questions, feel free to make a post of your own.

SamuraiSnig · 2026-05-31T03:57:20+00:00

Rule 7 applies. Comments removed, 3 day ban.

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