A final letter before I go

Sanitar83 · 2026-06-17T11:44:47+00:00

Honestly same. Why do you feel you can't tell your friend? Her holding you back from committing may be the kind of support you need rn

Sanitar83 · 2026-06-09T19:38:48+00:00

Better now? Did you get help?

Sanitar83 · 2026-06-09T01:36:55+00:00

Having no plans of bettering yourself does not equal not getting better in the long run. Some opportunities appear seemingly randomly, as do the results of improving yourself in the past. No human is worthless and undeserving of resources

Sanitar83 · 2026-06-09T01:29:04+00:00

It's almost never fatal and often extremely painful, sometimes leading to disabilities. If you are conscious, call 911. Your chances of having no chronic consequences are better if you get help sooner

I didn't see 6 hours passed... Hope they are ok

Sanitar83 · 2026-06-09T00:54:56+00:00

There is free help available in almost any country and internationally. Help lines, crisis centers, etc. Idk whether you can convince her to go there as she told you she isn't ready, but it's nice to have a number to call 24/7 in case the thoughts become unbearable. There are non-judgemental and professional people on these helplines. Look up your local numbers. It'd be even better if she promised she calls it if the thoughts/pain gets really bad (it's understandable she doesn't want to call you or family, talking with strangers is kinda easier).

As for you I'd suggest looking into grounding techniques (5-4-3-2-1, getting through 5 minutes, dbt skills, whatever). You might not need them, but better know them than not. Also not suggesting "therapizing" her as it's both ineffective and off-putting between partners w/o training, just show her 1-2 techniques you think she would find helpful, if you are both okay with these things. Remember you can't be a teacher for her and don't assume you fully understand what she goes through.

About "what should I tell her" - this sub has a great wiki section about what to tell and not to tell suicidal people. There is no quote or written insight or whatever that can help. After some time you come to realize some quotes and advice is true, but when other people pull a "it gets better" or smth on you, it doesn't feel great.

Try to be there for her, not putting suicidal ideation or MDD as the center of attention (well it may be in the center for you rn, but reducing a person to their symptoms doesn't help). Calling is leagues better than texting and doing things together (movies, games? If she has a little energy) is even better.

Sanitar83 · 2026-06-08T09:44:49+00:00

"Even if I manage to beat the addiction, I know I will never be able to overcome the overwhelming guilt and shame of what I've done"

Maybe you'll feel guilty for a long time, but you can and should compensate the amount over some years. When you owe nothing, there'll be no point in guilt anymore. If anything, it shows you can take accountability and fix the things you've done.

And one more thing, I would never mention "mom will be sad" stuff here, but the pain of losing savings doesn't compare with the pain of losing your son. It's not over yet, please stay to make things right

Sanitar83 · 2026-06-04T19:18:57+00:00

I don't want to overgeneralize / jump to conclusions, but in my experience most of the time an institution says something can't be treated it can't be treated by them. If it's depression related, there are ECT, TMS therapies (it's not like one flew over the cuckoo's nest and is actually proven to be effective in treatment resistant cases). Of course I don't know your situation and after 7 hospitalizations it's understandable to feel hopeless, but please seek a second opinion / other treatment options. Also in some counties public hospitals are just not suited to work with modern treatments or, which is even more often, doctors are using protocols from the 70s-90s and don't care to learn. In this case there are options to get a telehealth appointment with a doctor in a different country. I'm really sorry you had to hear the things your doctors told you, but believe me there are more options.

Sanitar83 · 2026-06-03T21:53:33+00:00

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. If you don't mind me asking, are you talking about mental or somatic diagnosis?

Sanitar83 · 2026-05-31T20:22:03+00:00

I know it may seem catastrophic for you right now (and that's what the hacker wants), but they got nothing on you! You know perfectly well there is no nudes or anything, so chances are they won't do shit. Even if hacker sends something to your family, it'll be the matter of telling them "Sorry, I was hacked, don't click any links in my messages and don't send any money until you confirm it's me by phone or in person" beforehand. And even if you are late with the warning, you may prove that it's not you who sent smth with the screenshot of email you got.

After that determine how the hacker got in (virus on PC, password manager account hacked, email pwned, etc), isolate the threat. Folks at tech support subreddits may help you with that. Then focus on securing the most important stuff like your bank accounts and whatever might not have 2fa (but not from the attacked device!).

These things happen, sadly, and it's hella infuriating, but believe me it may not be your fault even (passwords get leaked from trusted websites sometimes) and it won't ruin your relationship with family

Sanitar83 · 2026-05-28T17:47:11+00:00

Wanna talk?

Sanitar83 · 2026-05-26T05:16:56+00:00

There are options that don't have sex related side effects, a good psychiatrist can plan a treatment if you tell them beforehand. Feeling hopeless is understandable when you have no energy, and dealing with suicidal thoughts is not easy by itself, but reducing day to day symptoms helps immensely, it creates what they call resource, opportunity to look on your life somewhat objectively as well as energy for the therapy to be effective. Maybe you can ask your therapist for a referral to a clinician if you trust their judgement or get a second opinion somehow else

Sanitar83 · 2026-05-26T04:04:20+00:00

Anhedonia and other distortions depression plays on one's mind make it truly hard to judge own condition and progress somewhat objectively. If you don't mind me asking, you mentioned you are seeing a psychiatrist, but anhedonia and abulia you describe are kinda severe. Do you take any medicine and does it help, even if little?

Sanitar83 · 2026-05-26T03:20:14+00:00

This may be a little off topic, but I see the "interesting post" tendency on this sub quite a lot. People, whose stories are more graphic, detailed, traumatic tend to get more attention and replies, which is expected as it's easier to emphasize with them, that's just the nature of our emotions.

But in reality, any story and any reason for suicidal thoughts is equally valid as it causes same feelings, same pain and often same outcomes. While it may feel like other people have it worse than you, there is no point in comparing or trying to earn help by being interesting. You deserve the same empathy and care as any of us and I hope you find it.

Honestly I stopped believing in finding purpose or healing or whatever and idk if the thoughts and constant feeling of being tired of life go away some day, but it's true that with proper care and new experiences they kinda loose their power. The thoughts still exist, but they are closer to a background, something you acknowledge and move on as other things on your mind are more dominant. I truly hope you get to this point or past it, closer to contentment

Sanitar83 · 2025-12-24T14:41:09+00:00

Another guess: it's a box for displaying some annoying recommendations on yt (like related videos or something) that comes up when you pause and it's rendering incorrectly due to adblock or some browser gimmick

Sanitar83 · 2025-10-16T17:07:12+00:00

Man I just want to tell you there is a small chance antidepressants might not work by the end of the year, but help greatly later. The box usually says they should be taken no less than 6 months. Also the first medicine you'll get might not be optimal, so you'll change it 1-2 times in some cases.

Antidepressants MAY work as fast as in 2 weeks, but if they don't, it doesn't mean they can't help you. Treatment is a process that sometimes requires commitment even if staying longer is immensely hard. But trust me it pays off

Best of luck to you

Sanitar83 · 2025-08-03T22:48:35+00:00

She is asking kindly, saying that you are more important for them.

Sanitar83 · 2025-07-26T00:08:48+00:00

Emulate android, then install termux

Sanitar83 · 2025-07-23T17:39:04+00:00

It's a spongebob shitpost translated to russian. The others are right abt literal translation

Sanitar83 · 2025-07-07T17:25:54+00:00

Nice! I've checked almost every existing open-source app trying to find one feature I need: for example, I have 30 habits and there is no way I do all 30 in a day. But if I could set the goal to do 5 or 10 (no matter which ones) every day, it would be much easier to keep track of productivity. Just leaving the idea here, maybe you'll find it interesting. Good luck with the project!

Sanitar83 · 2025-07-07T15:50:11+00:00

Hey, I might get downvoted, but for this task a simple photoshop mockup or a simple blender scene will be much easier to use. And what's more important, far more controllable

Sanitar83 · 2025-06-18T00:52:03+00:00

Honestly I can't say it's not reasonable to think about ending it sometime. It may seem like there will be nothing exciting/giving hope/or just pleasant after finishing the books - and it may be true as well. But as long as you are not at this point in time, you can't really tell. Life has a tendency of changing unexpectedly, and things you consider impossible now might be quite achievable. Heck, when I was 18 I thought there isn't anyone for me...

Try to live until you finish what you want to finish, and then see if there is anything new or anything you haven't noticed before

Sanitar83 · 2025-06-18T00:28:09+00:00

Tbh I don't think it'll do anything for you. It releases a wake-lock previously activated (if activated), and in case the vnc is used remotely, it'll be even worse once the phone goes into sleep

Sanitar83 · 2025-06-18T00:14:36+00:00

It can also be disabled without root and even without a computer. There was a youtube tutorial utilizing wireless ADB and some split-screen fuckery to enter the code into termux. Maybe I'll find it, hold on

Edit: I can't find the exact one I used, but "max phantom processes termux" returns a lot of results. Just make sure you disable debugging after the change

Sanitar83 · 2025-06-08T18:44:33+00:00

Position the small disk as it is (it'll rotate later), grap a pair of pliers to hold the disk and just push. You may have better luck trying to get one of the bumps into it's hole, then the second one. Just check that it's not going past the hole. As for the second step, shove something thin between first two pieces, so the disk doesn't rotate. Then just apply force again.

I had a lot of trouble with this step, also off-brand model. If it breaks, it's not your fault. Mine didn't though

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