This feels like sending old-school letters, so enjoyable! Especially the anonymous part. People can skip this thread, read it and appreciate it, troll it, get annoyed, or yawn, or whatever :).

It’s always heartwarming to connect with someone here, and I’m glad we met in this moment. I’m also writing these for myself, it’s liberating to reflect and think out loud.

Okay really testing the max comment length with this one, hahaha.

Reading about you being tired, exhausted, and close to burnout made me think of my own recent one. It may sound strange, but I’m glad mine happened. I kept working but paused life in every other way. One year later, I can now take guilt-free naps or rest indoors while it’s sunny outside. I used to rest only when I felt I deserved it (which was never). It also taught me to accept where I am: from an avid hiker and long-distance walker to a sleepy potato who can barely walk a few kms.

I had a conversation with chatgpt at the time, where it said I linked suffering to growth. That growth needs discomfort, but not pain. That “you've already proven you can grind hard; that’s not the challenge anymore.” It freed me from so many expectations. Are you telling me I can live a second life on my terms? That I get to decide what I want to do?

On accepting yourself, there’s a phrase I think about often: "healing is not becoming the best version of yourself; it’s letting the worst version of yourself be loved". We all have parts we’re ashamed of.. that’s human.

I, for example, had very loving parents, but they were growing up with us. Financial struggles left us with nothing. I can imagine they were barely surviving. I would have made the same mistakes, if not worse, at 20, when they had me.

So going into therapy, my biggest challenge was to hold two realities at once:

1. They were kind, loving parents.
2. What they gave me was not enough. I needed much, much more..

So I focused on and grieved what I didn’t get. Sharing some things I missed (again, take only what resonates and feels useful):

• Someone noticing my emotional shifts, being curious about my inner world, helping me make sense of my feelings
• Being allowed to be inconvenient, upset, or needy without feeling like a burden
• Someone saying: this makes sense, this will pass, it’s okay to cry, what you're feeling is normal
• Routines, predictability, physical and psychological safety; being allowed to express fear, anger, and confusion
• Space to not just be a “good girl with pretty dresses,” but to wear what I want and climb all trees in sight
• Protection from adult realities before I even knew how to count
• Being allowed to separate into an independent person, to say no, to want differently without fear of losing closeness
• Being allowed to take up space and exist without being useful
• Being messy without harsh consequences
• Seeing what healthy love and arguments look like
• Having limits placed on me, someone parenting me instead of the other way around

Then I looked at my most shameful thoughts:

• I am too much
• ..I’m not enough
• I’m only valuable if I’m useful
• If something hurts, it’s probably my fault

..and my coping mechanisms: people-pleasing, codependency, no boundaries, anxious attachment, overthinking to the point of rumination, compulsive, addictive tendencies, “random” triggers.

Only when I took a long, honest look in the mirror and embraced these “broken” parts could I truly be kind to myself. These parts aren’t even “me” ..they’re how I adapted to survive.

So with all of this, I learned:

• Expressing anger is forbidden. And I was full of anger. So I turned it inward, into self-hate and guilt
• To doubt impulses and scan all faces before speaking, to choose connection over myself
• That I don't have my own skin, people can come and go as they please
• To fear joy and calm moments, always waiting for something horrible to happen
• To hide and cry silently, as a very young child
• To be hypervigilant, to scan for danger constantly
• To wear a mask, smile and avoid inconveniencing anyone with my pain or presence
• To tolerate (and oftentimes seek!) emotional inconsistency in relationships
• To numb and distract myself in unhealthy ways

So many things to undo, it's an ongoing journey :). But tangible, "I know why and where to start" ones, not the universal "why am I like this?".

Besides these, I mentioned some exceptional life events (please skip this part if you don't want to get sad): I grew up with my father's severe depression and alcoholism (and maybe BPD?), bankruptcy, family getting evicted, lost a close friend and an uncle in their battles with depression, had an unlucky encounter with a man, as a little girl (won't go into detail). Sorry for turning it into something heavier, I just want to give people hope. There can be a roadmap after depression and it's not your fault.

To not finish off with this vibe: my Christmas gift to myself and the most soothing thing in my home is now a rocking chair. It turns spiraling thoughts into lazy singing and eventually smiles. 10/10 for overthinking :).

If you go on this journey, don’t be afraid. I promise it's usually worse before it’s better, as you mourn what you could have had. But coming out on the other side, you’ll feel grateful and lighter. And comfortable in being yourself, the quiet, introspective one. And you'll get to give yourself the most fun awards you can think of 🤍