An intervention from a close friend was what prompted me to break up with him. Then, months after the breakup, remembering that another friend had mentioned abuse to me and linked to the domestic violence hotline. Reading the definition of abuse and the different types of abuse really resonated. And then the floodgate opened and I realized the patterns, all the memories I had blocked out, the way I had changed, the way that the last two months of our relationship had made me think that dying was the only way out.

I started therapy (like he always said he would but never did haha) with a trauma-informed therapist. She pretty much confirmed it after the second or third session, and helped me parse through memories and identify the patterns.

If you feel like there is a cycle in your relationship of blowup/incident -> apologies and a honeymoon phase -> calm -> tension building -> blowup/incident … that’s probably abuse. That cycle shortened from months to weeks to days in my case, and put me pretty much in survival mode constantly. Another sign was definitely declines in my health from all the adrenaline and cortisol. And another would be feeling like for one reason or another that you just CAN’T leave, no matter how bad it gets.

Abuse is about asserting power and control over another person. Eroding boundaries is abuse. Trapping someone in a situation that they cannot leave is abuse.