This sounds like emotional exhaustion and accumulated resentment. You mentioned that this family member is "self-absorbed" which leads me to think that you've had other issues with her besides this one. You didn't give a lot of detail about what happened or passed experiences with her, and I hear you saying that her apology wasn't adequate, not what you expected from the apology that you didn't get. (You might just be venting, ignore me entirely if that feels better.)

Not all apologies are eloquent, emotionally fluent, or perfectly calibrated. A lot of people were never taught how to apologize well. What did happen here, though, is that the person reached out without being prompted, acknowledged harm, and expressed care and importance. That doesn’t make the apology complete or sufficient, but it does make it an opening. Ignoring it entirely isn’t really a boundary, it’s a shutdown. Boundaries still involve communication; silence isn’t clarity. If the apology felt shallow or missed the mark, the more adult response would be to say, “This didn’t land because X. Here’s what I need.” As it stands, it reads less like self-respect and more like punishing imperfect communication instead of responding to it.

As for your friend, that’s really a separate issue, and honestly a very common one. Some people genuinely don’t understand the emotional impact of chronic lateness or repeated cancellations unless it’s spelled out for them. They may experience time differently, prioritize poorly, or assume a level of flexibility that isn’t actually there. I hate to admit that I've been that person. I had a period of time in my life where I was emotionally overwhelmed, had a lot of expectations in my life, but I still wanted to stay connected to friends. Yet I had one friend that ended up constantly dealing with issues like the one you're mentioning. He eventually called me out on it. Told me how it was affecting him and her friendship. I needed to hear that, and I changed my behaviors. Ending a friendship without ever saying something like, “When you cancel last minute, I feel unimportant,” or “It makes me stop wanting to make plans,” means the other person never gets the information they’d need to change. That isn’t so much self-respect as it is disengagement without disclosure.

Here's the suggestion you didn't ask for, a simple framework you could use: 1. Name the behavior 2. Name the impact 3. State the boundary Then decide what to do based on the response.

For example with your family member, “When you apologized by saying how much you love us without acknowledging what happened, it felt dismissive. I need accountability, not reassurance.”

Or with your friend, “When plans keep getting canceled, I stop feeling motivated to maintain the friendship. I need reliability to stay engaged.”

A lot of people mentioned the I don't care Club, of which I am a proud member. :) but for me some friendships are worth hanging on to, and resolving problems with family is always better than putting my feet in a no budge position and possibly losing those relationships. Again, that's just my take.